Monday, February 1, 2010

Introduction to Me

Let’s begin from the start. My DH and I have been married for a little over 2 years. We first met in the 7th grade and started dating at age 17. We have been inseparable since. We always knew we wanted to be parents; we just weren’t sure when we would be ready. All of a sudden a switch was flipped and we knew we wanted to start a family right away. We just moved to Cincinnati, OH in July 2009 after living in the West our entire lives. It’s a fresh start here and the beginning of a new adventure for us. So we settled in to our new habitat and the baby making began.

We were so optimistic when we first took on this endeavor. It was October, 21 2009 our second anniversary and day one of operation baby. I had spent the previous few months getting things figured out. Between exercising, diet changes, BBT, prenatal vitamins, dental work, and a doctors checkup…..BOOM my body was a healthy baby making machine and was ready to go. So we jumped right in and spent a week in Upstate New York for a little romance and some BD. Though we weren’t sure when I would O we assumed it was around October 29th according to FF.

So we continued to BD through Halloween. The 2ww began and it was brutal! I remember waiting desperately for it to end so I could POAS on an HPT and see if we had accomplished the mission. The day finally came I remember not even being able to sleep during the night. I had visions of double pink lines dancing in my head. I woke up and DH got the video camera and……BFN! So now what do I do? We decided to wait another week and see if AF would make an appearance. She never did. So POAS week 2, once again DH grabbed the video camera and……..BFN! Wow really? So we decided to just wait for AF to show up. We waited and waited and waited….LITERALLY!

Thanksgiving morning came and we had planned on running a 10k. We figured it would keep our minds busy seeing as how AF was now over 2 weeks late. Even though I had no signs of AF and no obvious signs that I was PG I decided to take another HPT before we left for the race. Once again DH got the video camera ready and……..BFN! We left for the race. During the race I was having some pretty bad cramping and feeling rather sick and the urge to pee kept building. I had to take a pee break mid race and probably could have had a couple more of them if I wasn’t so good at holding it in. We finished the race, came home and the two of us passed out for the remainder of the holiday weekend.

Life began to return to normal though I was still awaiting the arrival of my dear AF. She never did show and it was getting ridiculous. On December 6th I woke up and felt the need to POAS. This time DH did not get the video camera per my request; it was getting annoying to have documentation of the BFN let downs. So I did the test and………1 bright pink line and 1 very faint pink line. It was so faint I asked DH if I imagined it. But he saw it too. So we raced to the store and bought one of those digital HPTs that simply say “Pregnant” or “Not Pregnant”. I waited till the next morning though it nearly killed me but I really wanted to use FMU. I woke up feeling oober excited! I studied the directions to the test prior to going to sleep so I was over prepared. I POAS and waited; the timer came up on the test and I watched that clock spin for the full 3 minutes and then the result appeared……BFP! I nearly fainted! I ran to the bedroom and DH was asleep and I woke him up and said, “I think we did it”. He jumped out of bed took one look at the test and we both were brought to tears.

I called the doctor immediately and set up an appointment for the following day. When we went in we didn’t know what to expect we were still in shock at the possibility that I really was PG. The doctor saw us and checked my uterus. He said it was the size of an “orange” which he exclaimed meant I was a little more than 7 weeks. WOW! He then told us what to expect and set up our next appointment for the first u/s . We went home and began to conjure up a plan on how to tell the family. We quickly delivered the message and both our families were thrilled to hear the news.

The baby bug had hit us big and it was all we could think about. It was so fun and exciting; really too good to be true………

On December 12, 2009 we headed out for a little “us” time. We went to the mall and had some lunch at The Old Spaghetti Factory. I went to the bathroom 3 times during our meal, which I had come accustomed to doing in the past week. However when I went to the bathroom I saw some light spotting. I was shocked but I had read in many books that spotting came be perfectly normal. We finished off our wonderful day and went home. The next day the bleeding became more intense. I was in denial that anything could be wrong and was trying to be optimistic. But then came a 4 hour period where I was passing some really large clots. So large I could feel then move through me…which was weird but thankfully not painful. I called the Dr. office but they were closed seeing as how it was Sunday. We debated going to the ER but the fact was that I was bleeding but I wasn’t in pain. So we decided to wait until morning.

I called the Dr. ASAP the next day and they asked me to come in right away for a vaginal u/s. When we arrived at the hospital I remember being super nervous. We had to sit in the lobby which was filled with babies and PG ladies. They called us back and the process began. The u/s tech wiggled that probe all around I watched the screen looking for something but it was all too new for me to understand. She snapped some photos and excused herself from the room. I remember DH and I both looked at each other and said, “Did you see anything?” The doctor appeared seconds later and started babbling, “sometimes there are several factors that contribute to the end result and blah blah blah……..the good news is that you’re healthy and you have the ability to ovulate and many women go on to have a successful pregnancy after miscarriage….you guys can try again in 2 weeks.” I sat there stunned and trying to process the words and medical jargon she was feeding me. It was like she was reading a script and I was playing the part of distraught patient. I kept replaying her words as I sat there and then an uncontrollable urge to cry burst out and the tears would not stop welling in my eyes. The u/s tech said, “we’ll give you a moment to gather yourself and then we need you to come give us a blood sample” and then she popped out of the room. DH and I hugged and I tried to gather myself. We exited the room and I went to get a needle jabbed in my arm. As I sat there I didn’t say one word to the nurse nor did she to me. She removed the needle I grabbed my purse and DH and I quickly passed through the busy lobby of PG women with our heads down, then stood in a crowded elevator for 7 floors until we reached the parking garage, then we walked to the car, I quickly climbed in and let out the biggest burst of tears that I have ever given. Words could not even form in my mouth as I sat there sobbing during a 40 minute drive back home. When we arrived home, DH and I spent a full day in bed without food or water or anything. I just wanted to sleep and possibly wake up from this nightmare I must be having. I wanted to escape from my body and I questioned why it failed me.

It took a few days before I could even look at a PG woman or a baby without tears forming. But I am fortunate that I have a supportive husband who will go to the ends of the earth to comfort me and together the sadness soon faded and we began to discuss the desire to try again.

Today February 1, 2010 is the first day on our new TTC journey. I’m currently experiencing my first AF since the m/c. This puts me on schedule to O around Valentine’s Day. We hope cupid is looking out for us and will give us a little love baby. We are super prepared and I’m armed with OPKs and ready to POAS at the first sign that AF has finished her visit. Here’s to a fresh start and lots of *Sticky Baby Dust* because right now it’s Big Belly or Bust!


  1. Awww Patricia I feel your pain. It's the weirdest thing to know you are carrying a baby and then have it gone in such a short time. I remember driving home looking up at the sky thinking "where did you go?" The good news is there is always a reason (even if we never understand or know why) if I had had "that" baby Mitchell may not have had a chance to be here because we were looking for the last one. ;-) Kim

  2. Hi Patricia,

    I feel your pain. I had two miscarriages before I had Shankara. Both at 13 weeks. It killed me inside. But, life goes on and I truly believe that things happen for a reason. For me it was not meant to be at that time. Take care and I know that things will work out soon. Sunita

  3. Oh Patricia, I am so sorry to hear that...I know nothing anyone says will take away your hurt, but it will happen for you. I remember feeling that way when they told me about my fibroid and the potential difficulty of conceiving with it. It was hard to see babies and pregnant women when that was ALL I wanted so desperately. Lots of positive thinking/visualization, acupuncture, a vision board, and my favorite...crystals helped to refocus my energy. Wishing you lots of sticky baby dust ;) Hillary

  4. Kim: Thank you for your thoughts.I can't imagine your family with out Mitchell. It's nice to know there's a positive outlook to my situation.

    Sunita: It's strange because since this has happened, I have found a huge community of women who share this experience with me. They have given me words of confidence and hope. It has renewed my faith and I do know that things must happen for a reason. Thank you.

    Hillary: Yeah, I remember when you were feeling conflicted with the thoughts of a complicated pregnancy. I admire your courage and it makes me so happy to see you now have a beautiful baby girl. I've peeked into your blog and have seen all the pretty photos. I'm doing my best to keep a positive attitude and I know my time will come soon. Thank you for your thoughts and support.



Big Belly or Bust.....What to Expect Before Expecting Copyright 2008 All Rights Reserved Baby Blog Designed by Ipiet | All Image Presented by Tadpole's Notez