Thursday, February 18, 2010

I feel GUILTY

Nothing chases the romance out of the bedroom like TTC. My DH and I are no strangers to the flat out inconvenient pressure that TTC puts in the bedroom. Everything is so technical and mapped out; When, Where, How, etc… Nothing is more annoying than having to feel so obligated to commit to BD just because you’re worried to miss your window of opportunity. I won’t lie it’s taken the joy out of intimacy, now it’s just flat out work. Last night I was far from being in the mood in fact I think we both were. But I had a slightly positive OPK (I think)………so we both put on a brave face and did the deed. This is how the past week has been for us and I feel guilty……..Guilty because I feel like it is a chore when it shouldn’t be. Guilty because my miscarriage has only made me want a baby more. Guilty because I spent many years avoiding pregnancy only to now desperately want it. Guilty because I cannot relax or take my mind off of it. Guilty because I was na├»ve to believe that every pregnancy has a happy ending. Guilty because I’m jealous of other women when I shouldn’t be. Guilty because I like to watch Baby Story and Bringing Home Baby just so I can cry. Guilty because I spend hours searching the internet about TTC. Guilty because I read the books too. Guilty because I’m angry when I see unfit parents with babies (like 16 and Pregnant on MTV). Guilty because I feel so useless…....

I feel Guilty

2 comments:

  1. ((( Patrish ))) I'm so sorry you're feeling down about this right now. I'm there, too. We had some not-so-intimate intimate time last night after watching the Olympics and I was mostly just sleepy. Poor hubby... He's still got some humor about it, so if it didn't rock my world, it was at least funny!

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  2. Patrish,

    I have ALL those guilty feelings too, so you are not alone. I do believe the feeligs are natural and that we have to feel them in order to eventualy find peace in this process.

    Yes, choreographed Baby Dancing is not enjoyable, feels mechanical and is often inconvenient, but will be SO worth the efforts when you see that BFP :) I felt "exactly" the same way last night, as my monitor said "fertile", which means GO....hang in there, its gonna be okay. We just keep trying and last night we had a good laugh, as neither of us was in the mood :) The biggest laugh was that we were trying to do the deed and we heard the national anthem (from the olympics) playing in the background! LOL Suppose this is "our version of the olympics!"

    HUGS and hang in there...baby dust to you

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