My Update

My mind has been far from TTC so much that I forgot to mention that my AF showed up 2 days ago which is earlier than I expected. On the upside there was no need to waste a pee test and we're getting closer to booking a vacation. But of course it sucks because I’m always wishing and hoping that maybe I’m pregnant. My monthly visitor has been extremely light ever since the miscarriage. It’s strange because usually the flood gates are open for a few days. Sorry for TMI…….But for the past 3 months they have been so light that I barely notice it and it only lasts 3 days. Bizarre…..

The weather has been so nice here and I can’t wait t get outside and start running. But the days seem to pass so quickly I wonder if I’ll ever find the time. Even with the extension of daylight I still can’t seem to fit it in my schedule. Hubby and I have been talking about creating a schedule for years now and somehow we have failed to ever put one together. And even if we did who’s to say we’d even follow it. LOL. We also bought the Wii Active which I guess is kind of like a personal trainer. I’m going to try to do the 30 day challenge that goes with it. I’ll keep everyone posted on how that goes.

Hubby splurged and bought this fancy little coffee machine called the Keurig. It’s pretty cool because it makes single cup servings using these little cups that you insert and the machine does the rest. I don’t drink coffee; I can’t seem to appreciate the taste. But I do love chai tea, and so today we bought the chai tea for the machine and I tasted it and was pleasantly surprised. I guess this fancy coffee machine might have a purpose to me too. Of course it's not exactly a chai tea from Starbucks but hey it satisfies my craving and it only costs me 75 cents vs. $3.00.

I'm trying to make time for reading as well and I'm currently on the lookout for a new book. Any suggestions?? I'd love to hear them??

Demons Among Us

Today I received some heart wrenching news about a dear family member. I have not seen or heard from her in over 8 years now and my only memories of her were from my childhood. Sadly I had heard that she has been suffering and battling personal demons that stem from years of abuse during her childhood that have remained a secret for all these years until now. I cried for her today and reflected on the days that we spent together. I desperately tried to remember if I ever saw any signs or strange behavior that could have hinted to the abuse. I feel a piece of my heart has blackened as I’m now reminded of the evil that lurks in this world. I feel anger and disgust to know that someone could harm her. I wish I could reach out to her and comfort her. But I know she is healing and the time is not appropriate. We haven’t spoken to each other in nearly a decade and I only remember her as the small girl who went through her childhood and teen years beside me. I remember her as the rebellious teen who snuck a bottle of peach schnapps from the liquor cabinet with me during Thanksgiving while everyone else was inside the house eating and gawking at the feast before them. We walked around the block passing the bottle back and forth giggling the whole time and discussing how we only see each other on the holidays. I remember her has the little girl who’d sit with me and listen to hours of music. The girl who played Barbie’s with me when were about 8 years old and the girl who stayed up all night with me on Christmas Eve and snuck a peak at our Christmas gifts before it was time to open them. She seemed so happy and we were both kids who enjoyed playing dress-up. I can’t believe that in the background of this child was a life of terror and loss of innocence. I debated whether I should write about my feelings over this news. But writing is therapeutic and that’s why I needed to do this. I need to express how my heart has broken and even though I have no way to tell her how I feel I needed it to be said. You see there was a 2 year period where she came to live me as kid. We shared a room together and she was my friend, and practically my sister. That time was so long ago, 20 years ago to be exact.We had our fights as most young girls would but I loved having her as a part of my childhood and it brought us closer. I just wish I was close enough for her to have told me then. My mom told me today that one time we had a big fight and she slapped me across the face. I cried and when my mom asked her why she hurt me she sat in silence for awhile and then burst into to tears screaming, " She hates herself". I hope somewhere out there she knows that I love her and miss her and care about her. I hope she knows that if she ever needs me I’ll be there for her. But mostly I hope that while she has placed herself in seclusion and asks for this request to be fulfilled that she finds the strength to heal, to find purpose and meaning, and finds that she is a beautiful woman.

She quoted this song;

I've been hanging out down by the train's depot, no I don't ride, I just sit and watch the people there. And they remind me of windup cars in motion, the way they spin and turn and jockey for positions and I want to scream out that it all is nonsense, oh your life's one track, can't you see it's pointless? But just then my knees give under me, my head feels weak and suddenly it's clear to see it's not them but me who's lost my self-identity.

~Bright Eyes

My Amazing Secret Pal

Things are so much better when they are unexpected……

Today a packaged was delivered to our home and I thought nothing of it because every day this week a box was dropped off from Amazon because as you all know I like to shop there. Well an Amazon package arrived on my doorstep I grabbed it expecting it to be these new cake pans I recently purchased. But when I opened it I found a lovely wrapped box with a card that read;

To my Secret Pal,

Sending this little gift of turquoise to brighten your day! I hope you can find something yummy to fill it with!

Love,

Your Secret Pal

Oh my goodness! When I opened that lovely little box I found a beautiful Wok shaped bowl and it was painted in my favorite color Turquoise!

My Secret Pal who has already revealed herself to me as Lis really hit the nail on the head. I absolutely love it! Plus thanks to the Secret Pals project I found a new blog to follow. Can’t wait to join your journey Lis.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You’ve inspired me to fill it with some Honey Peppered Beef tonight! I can’t wait to get cookin’!

I really can't stop smiling!

Eat, Sleep, Shop

Free Myspace Layouts and Graphics - LayoutsPlanet.com

Let’s talk about my day………..Wow, I had a major migraine! And then I resisted all temptations to start popping some pills by taking a 3 hour nap. Great! Now how will I get any sleep tonight! UGHH! I fell asleep at 5 and woke up at 7:45. But on the upside my migraine had disappeared so I guess that part was worth it.

Found a leak in our roof today so that was exciting….NOT! Turns out I wouldn’t have even known it was there if it wasn’t for Dish Network needing to crawl up into the attic space while wiring the guest bedroom for satellite. Good news is that the guest bedroom now has a working signal, bad news we have a leaky roof…….

My hubby came home today around 1pm and took me out to lunch. We headed on over to the Cheesecake Factory which we haven’t eaten at in awhile and of course it was delicious. I ate what I usually get there the soup, salad and half sandwich combo. And hubby had the caramel chicken. We both indulged ourselves and shared a piece of red velvet cheesecake…..oh my goodness was that tasty!  But it was around this time my migraine had began to peak and I was feeling disoriented and nauseas. I slipped off to the bathroom before leaving the restaurant because I felt my bladder would burst, and the moment I went in to the stall I felt the overwhelming need to throw up but I heard someone in the stall next to me and decided to hold it back as best I could to not sound like a bulimic in the Cheesecake Factory Restroom. Then we started to head home and I swear my bladder is out of control because I had to pee again and the traffic was so bad we were stuck in the car for two hours!!! The combination of a crushing migraine and an exploding bladder had me unbuttoning my pants and begging for mercy all the way until we reached our front door. Thank god I made it! But is it any wonder why I passed out and fell asleep for 3 hours??

I’ve been having this nagging cramp in my lower abdomen, it almost feels like I did a billion sit-ups and it’s constant and doesn’t ever let up. This has caused me to avoid all abdominal workouts, which is hard to do because it even hurts when I ride my bike or even sit. And don't even get me started with BD. 

I guess this post really sounds like I had a crappy day but really it wasn’t. How could it be? My hubby surprised me and took me out for a lovely little lunch. We swung by Toys R Us and picked up our latest deal that I’d like to share with you, and when I was thinking about my previous cycles and the bizarre in-between spotting and uncomfortable cramping and such. I’m thankful to say that as of yet my body is rather normal. No spotting! If all goes well and my body is back to normal then come April 3^rd my AF will be here to visit, or if not then maybe there’s some chance we may have conceived and all it took was a cycle of not trying so hard. Either way I’ll be happy because we are one step closer to either getting Preggo or going on vacation. LOL

As for my latest shopping deals……..I had such a great response to my shopping skills which led to believe that I must have a talent for bargain hunting. So today we picked up Toy Story and Toy Story 2 for a grand total of $5.07 on Blu-Ray. How you ask? Well we had these coupons for $10 off each Blu-Ray that we got from here. Plus these $5 off coupons that we got from here. On top of that the hubby and I have been addicted to our Wii again and we picked up this from Amazon.Wii 15-in-1 Family Pack - White

Thank you all for listening to my daily thoughts. What did you do today?

Rain Rain Go Away........

Where did my sunny weather go??

We are stuck in a rainy rut. I hope it passes quickly because I’m dying to get outside. Hubby and I had a fantastic weekend of bargain hunting like we always do and stumbled on some great finds……

1. A cute wooden patio table set complete with chairs and an umbrella for a grand total of $50. I’m dying to set it up and put it to good use as soon as the sun greets us.

2. A small set of casual dinnerware that we picked up at Ikea for $15.

3. A beautiful new tablecloth for $5, found in the “As- Is” bin at Ikea originally $25, turns out it just needed to be washed.

4. A 19’’ LCD TV for the guestroom for $97, thank you Amazon.com my favorite place to shop

5. A 10x10 EZ-Up Sun shelter for $29 found on the clearance rack un-marked and no barcode. I negotiated the price with an associate at Meijer and ended up walking out with 3 of them for that price. We have been looking to buy one for our trip to Bonnaroo this June and they were all priced +$90 for one.

6. A cute pair of boots from the Cincinnati Outlet Mall for $10 originally $94.

7. A flag pole for the front yard and a flag to go with it for $8 found at Kohls.

8. A beautiful hanging planter for the front deck for $3

I LOVE FINDING DEALS!!

On top of all of this shop till you drop business, the hubby and I have been having lots of fun here at home. We busted out the the Wii games and challenged each other to an assortment of games; Bowling, Tennis, Baseball, and Golf. I forgot how fun it was to play on our little Wii, but my arm was quickly reminded how sore you can get from swinging that controller around. LOL

Tomorrow I’m prepared to do some spring cleaning and lots and lots of laundry is calling my name as well.

On the TTC journey, we are enjoying are relaxed approach to this cycle. We’re prepared for whatever the outcome is whether it be BFP or BFN.

If you are stopping by for ICLW, I thank you for your comments and you can find out more here and here.

Welcome ICLW

Welcome to my blog everyone from ICLW, glad you could stop by. My name is Patricia and my husband and I have been trying to conceive after a miscarriage in December of last year. You can learn more about me by reading this.

I thought I’d list the 10 things that make me smile

1. Getting my good morning kiss from my hubby before he heads off to work. I usually have my sleep mask on and when he puts his lips to mine I’ll gently wake up and smile.

2. Singing at the top of my lungs to my favorite songs.

3. The feeling you get after working out. It’s so hard to even want to start but then once you do there’s this unbelievable feeling to push harder and keep going.

4. Going to the movies. I’ll watch practically anything on the big screen.

5. Being near the water. It soothes me. After moving away from Seattle last year to a land locked State I knew it would be difficult. So my hubby and I found a home near a small lake to help get through it.

6. Traveling…….I love to go places and always dreamed about the adventures I’d like to have. We have already had a few memorable travel moments but I know the future holds many more. Top of my list is South East Asia…..all of it!!

7. Cooking, I love to cook and I love to eat. I love trying out new recipes. On an average week I try at least 3 new recipes. I love finding new ingredients and getting cool kitchen gadgets.

8. Our dog Roxy, she is so sweet and cuddly. She is so in love with us and you can tell. It’s nice to have a furry companion to greet you when you come home.

9. Shopping….especially when it involves getting a bargain. My hubby and I are bargain hunters and are obsessed with this forum called Slick Deals. For instance our latest deal was today; we picked up Disney’s Princess and the Frog on Blu-Ray for $2.79. YES! A brand new Blu-Ray movie for two dollars and seventy-nine cents!

10. Organization! I’m very crazy about it. When I see a neatly organized drawer or a well kept closet it makes me smile. I love being able to bust out my label maker and go to town on something.

A New Reflection

I can’t even begin to tell you how much BDing there has been this month! And the best part is that it wasn’t forced due to O symptoms or positive OPKs; nope it was just.......... for FUN! It’s really hard to believe how relaxed I’ve been this cycle. I don’t even have a clue when I would have O’d or if I even did. I ignored all symptoms and I didn’t even look for CM signs. I feel like a whole new me!

Another funny thing is that we started trying to plan a vacation in September or October. We have been thinking about taking a cruise to some where beachy and our options are very open as prices are so low right now. We found nearly 10 different cruise itineraries that we could choose from all leaving around the same time frame. The only catch……..well you can’t take a cruise unless your less than 24 weeks. In a way it has really given me something positive to look forward to if we don’t get pregnant in the next few months. If the months of April and May do not bring us a BFP we will be booking our trip. It puts a positive spin on a negative result. I think this makes it a little easier to except. And I’m truly feeling like I could deal with seeing reoccurring BFN’s for now. I’m more focused on getting back in shape, eating right, various home projects, working on a tan, and simply being normal again……….. I haven’t felt normal since the miscarriage.

It's like A NEW person is looking back at me in the mirror.....

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Time has really flown by since I started not trying to track my cycle. It has been extremely relaxing to not have to continuously worry about temping and POAS. I can’t describe how wonderful I feel. I have been keeping busy around the house and started all kinds of new projects that will keep me occupied for a while. I cleaned the garage and organized all of our tools and reconfigured the garage layout. I also purchased two fabulous cookbooks; actually they are textbooks on French Culinary Techniques. They are amazing and I plan to work through each page testing out the techniques and hopefully picking up a few good recipes along the way. I’m sure there will be a few disasters but that’s all part of the learning process. I was so excited when they arrived and I immediately flipped through the books (which was not easy because they are both over 500 pages) and came up with a shopping list of the tools and supplies I’ll need to get started. Luckily I’m already a decent cook so many of the tools I already had but now I can focus on sharpening up my skills.

I’m also working on finding art pieces for our living room. Most of our house is decorated with art, painted walls and such but I just never could decide how I wanted to do the living room. But now I have an idea and I’m on the hunt for the pieces of furniture and art to compliment the space.

I’m also thinking about breaking out the sewing machine again. I’m an amateur at best, and I would really love to learn more. I think I might stop by Barnes and Noble and pick up a few books to help get me started. Maybe I can finally learn how to sew using an actual pattern. I usually just randomly start stitching and some how I’ve managed but I really want to learn how to do some more detailed projects.

Another project I have been working on is putting together my gift for my Secret Pal. I finished it and sent it through the mail yesterday. I hope it makes it to her safely........I signed up for this project on Wistful Girls Blog. Check it out and maybe you’ll want to get a Secret Pal of your own.

And of course I have been really sticking to working out. I haven’t weighed myself so I have no idea if I’m actually losing any weight which is obviously the goal but I feel great and my energy level has shot up. I usually do 45 minutes of hard cardio aerobics in the morning and then in the evening while watching tv with my hubby we both hop on the good old exercise bikes. On average I ride them for 20 miles per day. But yesterday I watched two movies and biked the whole way through so I actually rode 49 miles. The only downside is my bum hurts so bad and feels like it’s bruised. I joked with hubby and said I need one of those doughnut cushions for my tushy!

The warm sunny weather has really kept me motivated. I love waking up to the bright sun shining through the windows. It makes me smile and comforts me to know that today is a beautiful day and worth getting up for. Since Last week we have been working on training our dog. She is so smart and I can’t believe how quickly she is learning. We have a meeting with the trainer today and I hope it goes as smooth as it went last week. Hopefully Roxy remembers the trainer and can just pick up right where we left off.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day….Don’t forget your GREEN!

Oh the Places You'll Go.......

I was reflecting on the past decade and the exciting things that have happened. And as we continue to embark on this journey of life it was nice to remember some of the sites we've seen along our journey so far......

Oh the Places We've Called Home......

Reno, Nevada Las Vegas, Nevada Seattle, Washington Cincinnati, Ohio

Oh the Places We've Seen.....

Cabo San Lucas, Mexico Cannon Beach, Oregon Cozumel, Mexico

Galveston, Texas Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands Hamilton, Bermuda Honolulu, Hawaii La Paz, Mexico Loreto, Mexico Los Angeles, California Mazatlan, Mexico Montego Bay, Jamaica (Mt. Rushmore)Keystone, South Dakota Niagara Falls, New York Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Puerto Vallarta, Mexico San Francisco, California San Juan, Puerto Rico Sioux Falls, South Dakota St. Maarten, Netherlands Antilles St. Thomas, US Virgin Islands Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming AND MANY OTHER LITTLE CITIES ALONG THE WAY....

Memorable Moments......

Walking the miles and miles of sandy beach on a cool overcast day in Cannon Beach, Oregon. We brought our dog Roxy too; and she loved dodging waves and sniffing out strange sea creatures that washed up on shore. Our favorite movie The Goonies was filmed there and we reminisced on the location and relived the film in our heads.

Beach Bumming on Horseshoe Bay Beach in Bermuda was amazing! The pink sand is something I'll never forget I even scooped up a handful to take home. The beach was practically deserted and we played in the powerful waves as they brushed the shore.

Hiking in Mayfield Falls in Jamaica was one of the craziest things we've ever done. We hitched a ride up into the jungle with a thugged-out Jamaican we could barely understand and he drove us in this rickety van like a mad man up a windy dirt hill. The van swerved and slided as we took hairpin turns for nearly an hour. At one point we turned to each other and said, "You know we could die up here and nobody would even know". Along the rocky dirt road we saw the very real side of Jamaica; shanty shacks made out cardboard and fabric, raggedy clothing and often shoe-less villagers, no running water, chickens and mountain goats wandering freely through the streets, Police officers armed with machine guns, and drug dealers carrying bricks of Mary Jane that they would pound against the vehicle windows trying to get you to buy. When we reached the the top of the hill we were greeted by the lush scenery and as we hiked we noticed men patrolling an area off to the right armed with weapons and we realized it was a marijuana farm. We ignored it but we both gave each other the "look"; after all this isn't something you see everyday. The falls were beautiful and totally worth the adventure. While swimming in the cool water we saw many of the locals heading down to the stream to either bathe, drink, or wash their clothing. It was strange to think that this place we traveled so far to see was nothing more than a watering hole to the locals. All in all it was a place I'll never forget, but probably never go to again.

Snorkeling in St. Thomas was something I'll never forget. We found a local diver to take us around the area for the day. We rode along with him in his "Beach Ride" he called it; and he took us for a round trip around the island. The entire island is only 13 miles long and 4 miles wide, but with traffic and the zig zagging roads it can really seem much bigger. He took us to several snorkel spots and we all hopped out and took a swim. He even showed us a trick with dog biscuits, YES, you could hand feed the fish with these biscuits which was fun but we were startled a few times when giant yellow fins came chomping towards us with their jagged teeth. Our tour guide was awesome though and he had lots of fun stories to share. He had previously been a radio DJ out in L.A. and moved out to the islands for his love for diving and island life. He was a true beach boy living the dream......

2 weeks in Hawaii! Oahu to be exact. We rented a house on the North Shore and spent our days sight-seeing and living like true locals. Eating plate lunches, Ahi Poke, Spam masubi, moco locos, Matsumoto's Shaved Ice, Haupia Pie from Ted's, and buying fresh mangoes and papayas. We visited Waikiki, Waimea Falls, and Pearl Harbor. We snorkeled at Waimea Beach and Sharks Cove. But my favorite spot along the trip was spending the day in Haleiwa. We also had fun spotting location spots where the TV show LOST is filmed. I think I could totally live in Hawaii!

Swimming with Sting Rays in Grand Cayman! Yeah the boat ride out to the sand bar was a little rough....but it was worth it because out in the middle of the turquoise ocean water was a sand bar! A sand bar is an incredible piece of land submerged underwater but still shallow enough to stand and it was in the MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN! Amazing! and the sting rays were really cool too. We got to kiss them and feed them which was something I'll never forget.

ATVing on Megrino Beach in Cabo San Lucas! So fun! That's really all I can say. FUN FUN FUN!!

Disneyland! Yes we love Disneyland and can't wait to take our own children there. We have been too many times to count and it never gets old. Still waiting to go to Disney World but really it's Disneyland that started it all.......

Can't wait to see what's next........

Taking a New Approach

The next two cycles we’ve decided to change the game plan. DH and I have went back and forth about whether or not to try these next two months. I’ve been stressed out and there’s a lot of pressure and I need time to compose myself; mentally and physically.

So together DH and I decided that we would take a new approach…………….We decided we won’t try as hard, but we certainly won’t prevent these next few months!

So goodbye OPKs!! Goodbye BBT!! Goodbye checking CM! Goodbye checking CP!

I can now spend these next two months a little more carefree, which I’m certainly looking forward to. And after these next two cycles if nothing happens then I'll go back to the good old OPKs and all that other business. But for now I don't want to think about it.

Down for the count!

After having the miscarriage I thought I had come to terms with it. I was used to the things people say and many of them I took some comfort in. They said things like;

“It’s so much easier to get pregnant after miscarriage because you’re more fertile”
“At least you know that you can get pregnant”
“You can always try again”
“You’re still young”
“It was a bad egg”
“At least you lost it early”

And at first I was optimistic……I was ready to hop back in a try it again. I was happy and anxious and thrilled about what could be. I felt that nothing could stop us……

But now we’re going into the third month since the miscarriage and I grow more furious that the little bean I had was taken from me. I grow more enraged that it was all a lie; and it never really was going to be easy. I grow more depressed as each week passes. They feel like an eternity. Where have the past three months gone…..I’ve been lost in checking temperature charts and cervical mucus; so much that I’ve forgotten what it means to be a human. A human with the desire and need to get out of the house, to be excited for the weekend, to look forward to events like a new movie being released, to spend the day shopping at the mall, to pick up a good book to read, to go on the computer without navigating through baby websites for hours. What have I become?

Whatever it is it can’t continue. I can’t believe it’s March! The excitement of finding out we were pregnant in October and the disappointment of the miscarriage in December are months behind me now but I have yet to move on from the agony of trying to capture a glimmer of hope.

All hope is lost for this cycle!! Yesterday seemed so promising as I woke up with my temperature still climbing. I was anticipating the day to end so I could wake up today and test. But then late afternoon yesterday the spotting seemed to pick up so I spent the remainder of it running to the bathroom every hour to check the progress. This morning I woke up expecting the worst and it was a good decision to do so, because my temp dropped way below my cover-line and my morning pit stop proved that this is definitely AF.

Another cycle passes! I’m defeated once more. I feel like a boxer who’s put up a good fight. I landed a few punches on my opponent and when they landed some on me I came back swinging harder. I even came close to winning a few rounds, but it’s the 12th round with only a minute left and I just suffered a knock-out punch. I’m down for the count!

Sunshine Award

For me? Oh really you shouldn’t have…..BUT I’M GALD YOU DID!!

My first Blog Award…..



Well I just have so many to thank; Let’s see...... thank you to Soup Mama for passing this award along to me, thank you to my readers I love all your support and love, and thank you to my body and mind for not only providing me with the material to write about but for giving me the strength to actually do so.

The rules for this award are as follows:
•Put the logo on your blog or within your post.
•Pass the award onto 12 bloggers.
•Link the nominees within your post.
•Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
•Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

Here are the bloggers I pass this award onto:
Life, Love, and Persuit of Our Fairytale
I Will Be A Mom
My Basic World
Inconceivable!
Rachel's Randomness
The (In)fertility Diaries
The Brestar Family~ Confessions of neurotic parents
The Journey Through Life
The Road to Happily Ever After
Thoughts from a Blonde
Wistful Girl
Journey into the Pastry World

Congratulations! I've selected you because I love reading your posts and you have given me inspiration and hope. So here’s a little sunshine in return.