Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Down for the count!


After having the miscarriage I thought I had come to terms with it. I was used to the things people say and many of them I took some comfort in. They said things like;

“It’s so much easier to get pregnant after miscarriage because you’re more fertile”
“At least you know that you can get pregnant”
“You can always try again”
“You’re still young”
“It was a bad egg”
“At least you lost it early”

And at first I was optimistic……I was ready to hop back in a try it again. I was happy and anxious and thrilled about what could be. I felt that nothing could stop us……

But now we’re going into the third month since the miscarriage and I grow more furious that the little bean I had was taken from me. I grow more enraged that it was all a lie; and it never really was going to be easy. I grow more depressed as each week passes. They feel like an eternity. Where have the past three months gone…..I’ve been lost in checking temperature charts and cervical mucus; so much that I’ve forgotten what it means to be a human. A human with the desire and need to get out of the house, to be excited for the weekend, to look forward to events like a new movie being released, to spend the day shopping at the mall, to pick up a good book to read, to go on the computer without navigating through baby websites for hours. What have I become?

Whatever it is it can’t continue. I can’t believe it’s March! The excitement of finding out we were pregnant in October and the disappointment of the miscarriage in December are months behind me now but I have yet to move on from the agony of trying to capture a glimmer of hope.

All hope is lost for this cycle!! Yesterday seemed so promising as I woke up with my temperature still climbing. I was anticipating the day to end so I could wake up today and test. But then late afternoon yesterday the spotting seemed to pick up so I spent the remainder of it running to the bathroom every hour to check the progress. This morning I woke up expecting the worst and it was a good decision to do so, because my temp dropped way below my cover-line and my morning pit stop proved that this is definitely AF.

Another cycle passes! I’m defeated once more. I feel like a boxer who’s put up a good fight. I landed a few punches on my opponent and when they landed some on me I came back swinging harder. I even came close to winning a few rounds, but it’s the 12th round with only a minute left and I just suffered a knock-out punch. I’m down for the count!


  1. Get up and Keep Fighting the Good Fight! I'm sorry that AF showed up. Sometimes I'm happy to see her, others I wanna kill her. =)

  2. Oh Patrish...I am so sorry! AF is never welcome at my house either! Don't stop fighting.

  3. Sweet Friend,

    I am sorry. I'm sorry for your pain and sorry for your loss. However, do know that you are among a wonderful support community of women who know your hurts...we feel the disappointment with you. When AF shows it's the absolute worst, as it "tries" to signal defeat. However, what it does signal is a "new cycle". Hang in there and keep your head up. It may take some time, but stay patient, positive and persevere, as you will be SUCCESSFUL :)

    Love to you and Feel Better good to you

  4. I'm so sorry ((( hug )))

    And, I'm right there with you :( On to the next cycle, which makes it cycle 11 for us.



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