Down for the count!

After having the miscarriage I thought I had come to terms with it. I was used to the things people say and many of them I took some comfort in. They said things like;

“It’s so much easier to get pregnant after miscarriage because you’re more fertile”
“At least you know that you can get pregnant”
“You can always try again”
“You’re still young”
“It was a bad egg”
“At least you lost it early”

And at first I was optimistic……I was ready to hop back in a try it again. I was happy and anxious and thrilled about what could be. I felt that nothing could stop us……

But now we’re going into the third month since the miscarriage and I grow more furious that the little bean I had was taken from me. I grow more enraged that it was all a lie; and it never really was going to be easy. I grow more depressed as each week passes. They feel like an eternity. Where have the past three months gone…..I’ve been lost in checking temperature charts and cervical mucus; so much that I’ve forgotten what it means to be a human. A human with the desire and need to get out of the house, to be excited for the weekend, to look forward to events like a new movie being released, to spend the day shopping at the mall, to pick up a good book to read, to go on the computer without navigating through baby websites for hours. What have I become?

Whatever it is it can’t continue. I can’t believe it’s March! The excitement of finding out we were pregnant in October and the disappointment of the miscarriage in December are months behind me now but I have yet to move on from the agony of trying to capture a glimmer of hope.

All hope is lost for this cycle!! Yesterday seemed so promising as I woke up with my temperature still climbing. I was anticipating the day to end so I could wake up today and test. But then late afternoon yesterday the spotting seemed to pick up so I spent the remainder of it running to the bathroom every hour to check the progress. This morning I woke up expecting the worst and it was a good decision to do so, because my temp dropped way below my cover-line and my morning pit stop proved that this is definitely AF.

Another cycle passes! I’m defeated once more. I feel like a boxer who’s put up a good fight. I landed a few punches on my opponent and when they landed some on me I came back swinging harder. I even came close to winning a few rounds, but it’s the 12th round with only a minute left and I just suffered a knock-out punch. I’m down for the count!