Demons Among Us

Today I received some heart wrenching news about a dear family member. I have not seen or heard from her in over 8 years now and my only memories of her were from my childhood. Sadly I had heard that she has been suffering and battling personal demons that stem from years of abuse during her childhood that have remained a secret for all these years until now. I cried for her today and reflected on the days that we spent together. I desperately tried to remember if I ever saw any signs or strange behavior that could have hinted to the abuse. I feel a piece of my heart has blackened as I’m now reminded of the evil that lurks in this world. I feel anger and disgust to know that someone could harm her. I wish I could reach out to her and comfort her. But I know she is healing and the time is not appropriate. We haven’t spoken to each other in nearly a decade and I only remember her as the small girl who went through her childhood and teen years beside me. I remember her as the rebellious teen who snuck a bottle of peach schnapps from the liquor cabinet with me during Thanksgiving while everyone else was inside the house eating and gawking at the feast before them. We walked around the block passing the bottle back and forth giggling the whole time and discussing how we only see each other on the holidays. I remember her has the little girl who’d sit with me and listen to hours of music. The girl who played Barbie’s with me when were about 8 years old and the girl who stayed up all night with me on Christmas Eve and snuck a peak at our Christmas gifts before it was time to open them. She seemed so happy and we were both kids who enjoyed playing dress-up. I can’t believe that in the background of this child was a life of terror and loss of innocence. I debated whether I should write about my feelings over this news. But writing is therapeutic and that’s why I needed to do this. I need to express how my heart has broken and even though I have no way to tell her how I feel I needed it to be said. You see there was a 2 year period where she came to live me as kid. We shared a room together and she was my friend, and practically my sister. That time was so long ago, 20 years ago to be exact.We had our fights as most young girls would but I loved having her as a part of my childhood and it brought us closer. I just wish I was close enough for her to have told me then. My mom told me today that one time we had a big fight and she slapped me across the face. I cried and when my mom asked her why she hurt me she sat in silence for awhile and then burst into to tears screaming, " She hates herself". I hope somewhere out there she knows that I love her and miss her and care about her. I hope she knows that if she ever needs me I’ll be there for her. But mostly I hope that while she has placed herself in seclusion and asks for this request to be fulfilled that she finds the strength to heal, to find purpose and meaning, and finds that she is a beautiful woman.

She quoted this song;

I've been hanging out down by the train's depot, no I don't ride, I just sit and watch the people there. And they remind me of windup cars in motion, the way they spin and turn and jockey for positions and I want to scream out that it all is nonsense, oh your life's one track, can't you see it's pointless? But just then my knees give under me, my head feels weak and suddenly it's clear to see it's not them but me who's lost my self-identity.

~Bright Eyes