Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Scarlet Letter

For the second time I pulled down that exciting little book from my bookcase………you know the one; “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” it’s a gem of a book with references and exciting information to help build up your mommy to be appetite. And now for the second time I took it off my bedside table and placed it back on the bookcase. I begin to wonder if I’ll ever be ready to look at it again.

This Friday I will be going for my follow up visit with the doctor. It will be exactly 2 weeks post surgery. Exactly 2 weeks since I laid my body down on the surgical table and allowed them to slice me open and terminate the life of our child. I remember the evening before the surgery I tried to convince myself that this was all a bad dream. I wanted so badly to turn back the time to just 3 days before when the excitement of the pregnancy was all too consuming. The way I’d thoughtfully take care of myself and follow all the guidelines; what to eat, what not to eat, taking my prenatal vitamins, drinking water, enjoying the frequent bathroom breaks. Each moment was so invited, exactly what we had been waiting for, finally we had hope after our first loss………They say the third time’s a charm but what if I can’t even bring myself to try? I’m scared of another loss…..the feeling of emptiness, and the questioning of your purpose in this world.

My emotions are slightly in check and I will do my best to walk in and out of the doctor’s office with my eyes dry. I’m sick of being the woman who walks out of the back room into the waiting room with my face sobbing with tears as I try to avoid all eye contact with the women starring in the always full house. This scenario has happen to me twice now and both times I could not reach the parking lot quick enough. Yes, I deserve to cry……….but I don’t want anyone to see me do it. And I certainly don’t need these happily pregnant women trying to show me empathy when they most likely know nothing about loss.

And even after the tears are gone and the physical evidence has been shed, I get this eerie feeling that everyone that looks at me somehow knows. Almost like it’s tattooed on my forehead……CAN’T STAY PREGNANT. My own personal Scarlet Letter.


  1. Patricia- Words cannot even begin to express how my heart goes out to you and your husband. I do not know what this must feel like for you, but I want you to know that your words express a strength in you that is truly amazing. You both are in my prayers and I just pray that you will be blessed with the desires of your heart!

  2. ((Hugs)) My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  3. i know that although i'm desparate to be pregnant again, i'm also terrified of it. i'm terrified of losing another baby.

    i don't know if it might make you feel beter to think that more of those pregnant women than you think will know the pain of losing a baby. i've been surprised to find out how many people around me know it.

    i kind of think that even if i ever get pregnant again and everything is perfect i won't be able to cope with reading such books. they're too cheerful and positive, and i'll need something a little more subdued.

    thinking of you. xxx

  4. Tremendous (((HUGS))) to you. I will be thinking of you on Friday. I hope the post-op visit will be ok and you get some re-assuring news from the doctor and some encouragement!
    Will be back for your updates!
    Much love your ways. And I am here for you & with you if you need to chat.

  5. Oh hun, I'm just so sorry for everything. I totally have been that girl, walking out of the OB's office with tears streaming...while all the preggos look on. I'm sure they could have guess what happened, but until you've been there you just have no idea how hard it truly is. I will be thinking of you on Friday, and I hope the Dr. reassures you that not only will you get pregnant again but you will stay pregnant. (((HUGS)))

  6. Patrish,

    Sweet friend, I pray that you are healing physicaly and know the feeling all too well of swimming in a pool of tears through appointments. If they come, let them come, as I try to think of them as God's holy water. What else can you do? Just feel what you feel and worry not about the on lookers.

    With regard to the What to Expect book, I removed it from my bedside table as well...and replace it with a book titled Making Babies. I have great FAITH in knowing that we will both bring the WTE book back to our night tables, we will sweet friend, we will :)

    I'm praying that your Dr. will refer you to an RE who will watch you closely in the future. OB's are wonderful people, but RE's will watch you like a hawk. I go for my 1st RE appointment in about a week and a half, so if I can give you any insight following my appointment I will be happy to do so.

    Much Love

  7. Oh, I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. It's hard enough to keep trying after all the negatives but after m/c's ... ahh!!
    Hugs & prayers!



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