Monday, May 24, 2010

Living a Double Life

DISCLAIMER: This is my blog and it is about the only place I can really say what’s on my mind. I don’t have the patience to pretend I’m something I’m not. I’m passionate for what I believe in, but this does not mean I will judge you if you don’t agree. I can appreciate all different viewpoints. I’m somewhat of a potty mouth……especially when I’m angry, sad, frustrated and even when I’m happy. If I’ve given you the impression that I will sugar coat everything, then I’m sorry; it’s just not me! I won’t hold back because I’m afraid of offending anyone. Sometimes certain words just need to be said.

The day of the surgery I turned to hubby and said, “I need a fresh start…….I think I’m quitting Facebook.” Well the surgery is over and the dust has settled and my account…….is still open.

So what’s the big deal with FB and why the hell did I think that quitting it would somehow give me a fresh start? Don’t get me wrong FB has allowed me to keep in touch with distant family from both my side and my husband’s side. It has helped me keep in touch with former co-workers and new acquaintances. But to be honest with you the majority of people who send me friend requests are people from high school. At first this was a novelty……. “oh, look at what so and so is up to now”, and shit like that. But I now find myself being face to face with ultrasound photos and baby updates every time I log in. Please don’t be offended if you are reading this and are guilty of posting such things. Because if it were me I would be doing exactly that! Who wouldn’t want to share these happy moments of pregnancy and new baby photos? You’d be crazy not to! And “yes” I look at these and I may even leave a comment about how adorable your little one is. But the truth is……… it hurts………and jealousy is not a pretty look and I certainly don’t want to wear it. I’m sure I sound really bitter right now and maybe I am; but just like after the first pregnancy loss, it took me sometime to walk passed a pregnant woman without wanting to push her over……OKAY I’M JOKING! I’m not psycho! But seriously starring at all these beautiful pictures of new parents and cute little babies has me wondering what the fuck did I do to deserve this?

And it especially doesn’t help when I see former high school classmates who managed to get knocked up right out of high school, divorced once or twice and now have a couple 6 and 7 year old children and post things like this;

“Can’t wait for my son to go spend the weekend with his daddy, I need to get shitfaced again!”

“I woke up in bed next to this guy and couldn’t remember how I got there; thank god he was fucking hot”

“My four year old daughter just asked me why there’s a naked man in my bathroom……Oops”

“Dropped the kids off at school, and now waiting for my man friend to come give me a workout”

“ I finally approached this hot guy I’ve been starring at for a couple of weeks at the gym. I asked him if he wanted to go out for a drink and he said I thought you were married and have a kid. I said so I guess you know I’m not looking for anything serious…….LOL………I rocked his world tonight!”

I can’t determine if reading these posts make me want to throw up, call social services or BOTH! And yet somehow I cannot successfully procreate and these people can!

Now let me explain my double life……….

The only people who truly know about what’s going on in my life are my hubby, my mom, and a couple of close friends. I don’t update my FB status with details of getting BFP’s, test results, Dr. Appointments, and pregnancy symptoms. Though it would be nice to feel so secure that my pregnancies would be a success that I could feel confident to notify some distant acquaintances; but I don’t! THANK GOODNESS! Because now I won’t have the awkward status update that says “oh lost another baby today……I just can’t stay pregnant!”

I just don’t see the need for the girl I sat next to in 5th period math or my former ex-boyfriends or the person who requested to be my friend whom I never spoke a word to in high school that for some reason feels inclined to want to be my online friend now to know about my incompetent reproductive organs.
Instead my status posts are closely related to things like; the weather, what’s on TV, the latest movie I watched and other bullshit like that! And that’s why I can’t stand this double life! Basically this blog saves me. I can rant and bitch and say what’s going on and I won’t have to worry about being judged and that alone is enough to make me relax.

Maybe this is just a phase and maybe it isn’t……..all I know is that life seems pretty unfair right now. I’m looking for answers but I really don’t know where to look. I’ve never felt more insecure than I do right now. I feel lonely and miss my family and friends who are nearly 3000 miles away. A part of me wants to pick up and leave and really have a fresh start, and I think hubby feels the same way. We are supposed to be closing on the house this Friday but ran into some problems. Looks like we will need an extension and the listing agent is being an asshole and is threatening to put the listing back up. If he does we are strongly considering walking away and who knows we may just pack up and head back to the west coast.

Everything about living in the Midwest has been a nightmare. There hasn’t been one good thing happen for us. It’s all been a series of let downs and literally the only thing we have to look forward to right now is buying this house. If that doesn’t happen then it really is the last straw! I can’t find a job here, hubby hates his, 2 pregnancy losses, the purchase of our first home is about to fall through, and last night was the series finale of LOST and we haven’t even lived here for a year. Is it any wonder why the hell we want to leave? 

16 comments:

  1. You have every right to yell and scream as much as you want! Life is really totally unfair and it sometimes just really sucks. I don't know how you sit through those fb postings without shaking the computer!!

    I hope that everhing works out the best way with the house -- however that is. (((hugs)))

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  2. Don't feel bad about any of these feelings. I swear as I read this entry, it felt like the words were right from my head. The first thing I said when I found out about our loss was that I wanted to quit my job, sell my house, and move back home. The grieving book that my RE's office gave me told me not to though. It said not to make any life changing decisions after a loss....stupid book. As for facebook, I never notified anyone of the pregnancy, but I've been somewhat open about my loss. I don't know if its just my imganiation, but it seems like all those happy pregnant people have gotten a bit more quiet.

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  3. Just a week ago I went on a mass facebook deletion. Then after that all my friends that have kids and were saying things that upset me I blocked there status updates. Already this has helped so much!

    The best thing I ever did with my infertility is joining a support group. The girls in there have become my friends and bottom line - they understand. I can go there sad, angry, happy, indifferent and they get it, no questions asked!

    This is totally normal. FB is a nightmare for people with infertility!

    Thinking of you girl!

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  4. I feel like I can relate with so much that you said! I hate logging on FB and seeing that yet another friend is KU without a problem. I hate having to pretend to most of the outside world that life is wonderful and that I am perfectly content to live without being a mom. There have been times when I have thought about "outing" myself, but I always stop and I am glad. Like you said, at least we have our blogs to use to share our true feelings. I don't know how I would get through this journey without blogging!

    GL as you continue to have this struggle. I am sure that this loss has brought so many emotions back to the surface, and I am sorry. Please know that you are in my thoughts!!!

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  5. :( Super big frown - there's nothing worse than feeling like an outcast and being away from home. Its bad enough being in your hometown and feeling that way.

    I'm new to your blog but could relate to everything you said - especially the facebook issues. I hate Facebook but can't bring myself to cancel my page. WHY IS THAT?!

    ICLW #68

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  6. Don't feel badly about how you're feeling. I can completely relate and I've contemplating closing my account, too.

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  7. I think you are my TTC/IF twin. OMG! I just realized you live in Cincinnati. I live in Northern Kentucky.
    I had a miscarriage last December and an ectopic in my left tube in April. Everything that you are feeling is totally natural. I facebook after my surgery. I still can't walk past the baby aisle at Target.
    If you ever want to talk you can email me at winningam@gmail.com. I hope to hear from you soon!

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  8. Hi, I'm the Zach from "Amanda and Zach" that my wife posted just above this comment. Facebook pictures and statuses of high school people getting pregnant suck. I'm not even the one going through all the physical pain of infertility, and I can't stand it sometimes. Unless it's one of my close friends who is having a baby I can't get excited or feel happy for anyone when they announce their pregnancy or have their baby.

    On a side note, Lost was on the West Coast too, so there would have been no avoiding that letdown. Did you get upset when Claire had Aaron for the second time? Why can't we even have one baby one time? Why does she get to have the same baby twice.

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  9. I have often thought of canceling my Facebook account myself for similar reasons. I have had over 30 people who are FB friends give birth just in the past 12 months.

    Though I must say, I don't get the "irresponsible parent" status updates like you described. Thank goodness, 'cause they would make me want to cut a b1tch. (I can barely watch the news nowadays. God forbid a story about child abuse or neglect comes on!)

    Anyway, I think it is great that you have this blog as an outlet for your feelings. Fire away!

    ICLW

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  10. I think it's totally normal to feel the way you are feeling. Although, I've never lost a baby, the fact that I cannot get pregnant makes me pretty crazy at times. I get sick of hs friends saying the same things. Or complaining about their kids. I want to say something like..."shut up..at least you have a kid! Maybe you could appreciate him a little bit more." Why is it that losers seem to be able to pop out baby after baby and others struggle??? I wish I had the answer to that. Sorry if I am being a downer. Just know that you are not alone in how you feel. Do what is best for you guys right now. If moving is it...move. Will keep praying for you both! ((HUGS))

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  12. And this is why (a) I have never and will never post anything about a pregnancy on FB until after the birth (some friends didn't even know I was pg last time until I started talking about the baby and they all collectively went "huh?")

    and (b) Why I have such a small friends list that is ONLY people I am actually friends with. No one from high school for sure.

    I certainly do see a LOT of those ultrasound photos lately on profile pics and it makes me gag a little (despite the fact i am exceedingly lucky and have 2 living children)

    FB sucks in many regards - especialy if you have to read people making stupid status updates like that!

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  13. why don't you drop those people? they aren't adding anything to your life. and i would want to call social services too. i feel a little bit sick reading those updates :(

    and you can set up your profile so you don't come up on searches, too, which will stop them from finding you again and hassling you. i used to be friends with all kinds of people on fb but now it's down to my relatives and people i actually know now (with a couple of exceptions of people i have met and am friends with online but have never met in real life).

    but anyway, i did actually deactivate my account for a few weeks and it really helped. i'd been thinking about it and then one of my 'friends' posted she was pregnant. no heads up, no warning. i have actually defriended a couple of my real-life friends for being stupidly insensitive and because i don't want to be friends with them any more. but anyway, deactivating my account gave me some space, and made me feel better, and i would recommend it to anyone. you can always go back when you're ready.

    i'm completely gutted that Lost has finished. i couldn't sleep for at least two hours last night thinking about the finale. i don't know what to do with myself any more! well except watch the entire thing again :)

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  14. i haven't had a FB in almost a year and i can't tell you how freeing it is! not only do i not care what those people had for breakfast, lunch and dinner, i now only keep in touch with those who i want to hear from. the people who i really care about, and who care about me. i hope you can find some peace in your heart, but don't be mistaken, it may take a while but eventually it will happen! (and if I can say that you know it's true!) in the meantime, we are all here for you when you just need to let it out.
    thinking of you
    xoxo lis

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  15. I think it's okay to feel what you feel. Anger is a natural emotion. Jealousy is part of that. Facebook is guilty of many of my anger-jealous-sad moments.
    But I must say that two of my FB friends announced their trouble conceiving and a miscarriage and I was so glad to offer support that way because one is really far away and the other is a high school friend I haven't seen in a 1000 years.
    I wish people would display their follicule numbers, the stupid thing the doctor said or any kind of number so the rest of the world could wake up and see not everything is ultrasound pictures and poopy diapers.
    This said...Hugs to you. I do like a potty mouth and an honest one too.
    ICLW #44

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  16. I hear you about the FB thing. I too don't put anything personal or relating to TTC on there. I have my blog as an outlet. I hope you can find some peace whether it be in a new home or back on the west coast.

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