Shout Out to My Secret Pal

You ROCK! Today when I came home from a small shopping trip I found a box waiting for me on my doorstep. What could it be?

Oh just a show of love from my awesome Secret Pal. Check it out

It's perfect! It seriously made my day. My hubby immediately wanted me to put the earrings on.....he thinks big hoops are sexy. I could use a little sexiness in my life right now! LOL

I love reading travel memoirs......it's a serious hobby of mine! So I love that you picked me up Eat Pray Love
Summer reading here I come!

Thank you, Thank you who every you are! You ROCK!

Post Surgery Appointment

Today I went to my post-surgery appointment………..Sitting in the lobby was brutal. It was super crowded today and wouldn’t you know the only open seat was next to a lady with a Big Belly! She had her little 3 year old daughter with her and she was pretending to be mommy’s doctor…..listening to her tummy to hear the heartbeat of her soon to be little brother or sister. I was forcing myself to look away and continue reading this silly Glamour magazine I pulled from the shelf. Oh and wouldn’t you know I came across an article in Glamour of all magazines titled “How to get Pregnant Exactly When You Want”. I tried hard not to giggle and gasp as it informed me to; “eat well” “avoid alcohol” “Give up Smoking”  “Avoid Stress”    HAHAHA if only it was that easy! They didn’t have any tips on how to stay pregnant but maybe that will be in the next issue. LOL

So what’s the verdict?

Well I’m officially no longer pregnant……and by that I mean no pregnancy hormones are existent inside me. I told the doctor that I had some signs that ovulation is about to occur and she said it was totally possible. I guess I’m in shock that my body could snap back so quickly. She explained this to be possible because when they removed the tube and its contents; they removed any presence that a pregnancy occurred and my body went back to normal within a 48 hour time frame. WOW! Just like that huh?

I asked the questions I had been pondering for the past few weeks…….

Me: When can we be intimate?   

DR: Now, but you must use a preventative method.

Me: When can we TTC?    

DR: After 2 cycles have passed

Me: What will my cycles be like now?    

DR: They should still stay relatively the same

Me: How difficult will it be to conceive?    

DR: It’s hard to say, it may take time…..but your young so don’t worry it will happen. (I hate when people say that)

Me: What is the function of my left ovary now that the tube is gone?

DR: It will still continue to perform its normal functions and the removal of your tube will not cause you to go into early menopause. The future of your fertility will greatly fall to the responsibility of your right ovary and tube. In very rare cases the eggs from one ovary will migrate to the other once a tube has been removed……but I must warn you it will likely not be the case. But like I said your right side is fully capable of conceiving it just may take longer than it would with both sides functioning.

Right now I’m feeling optimistic…….I know it’s possible to conceive and I’m confident it will happen. How long? I have no idea! Hubby and I discussed when we would like to start trying again and we are aiming for starting in September. When we first started our TTC journey it was in September of last year, and soon we will have come full circle, suffered two losses, and gained scars to prove it. I just hope the next part of the journey isn’t as rough. I guess I have the whole summer to relax and take my mind off of TTC, but I’m sure when we reach the start of fall and we’re back in the game my feelings of optimism may change especially depending on the months that pass with only BFN’s to show for it. But that’s in the future and right now I just need to enjoy myself. Enjoy the time that has been given to me to heal and find strength for the next step.

Smile

I love you all for your open hearts and warm regards that you’ve given me. I think I’m starting to come around and I’m truly feeling better each day. In fact yesterday I had a wonderful day. It wasn’t filled with anything extraordinary but it was a good day. Of course I’ll probably still have days of sadness but I’m going to try extra hard to keep things on the bright side. After all I’m a really happy person and it’s very rare to see me not smiling. In fact when I was younger I often was asked why I smiled so much?

I smile so much because I love life…….I have many things to love about it too. I have a wonderful husband, supportive family (my fam and my in-laws), a cute little doggie, and great friends. I’ve traveled to beautiful places, experienced new and exciting things, and found appreciation in all things good or bad. I am fortunate because I have a wonderful home, food to eat, and I always have something to look forward to.....though at times it may not always seem that way.

I truly believe I am an optimist. I just get thrown off balance every once in a while. But not to fear because I’m standing strong right now and want to tell you all that I will get through this. It may not be anytime soon and there may even be more struggles along the way but in the end I’m confident I will prevail.

I came across a fun little poem that reminds me why smiling is so important.

Smiling is infectious,
You catch it like the flu,
When someone smiled at me today,
I started smiling too.

I passed around the corner,
And someone saw my grin,
When he smiled I realized,
I'd passed it on to him.

I thought about that smile,
Then realized its worth,
A single smile, just like mine,
Could travel round the earth.

So, if you feel a smile begin,
Don't leave it undetected.
Let's start an epidemic quick,
And get the world infected.

-Anonymous

Scarlet Letter

For the second time I pulled down that exciting little book from my bookcase………you know the one; “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” it’s a gem of a book with references and exciting information to help build up your mommy to be appetite. And now for the second time I took it off my bedside table and placed it back on the bookcase. I begin to wonder if I’ll ever be ready to look at it again.

This Friday I will be going for my follow up visit with the doctor. It will be exactly 2 weeks post surgery. Exactly 2 weeks since I laid my body down on the surgical table and allowed them to slice me open and terminate the life of our child. I remember the evening before the surgery I tried to convince myself that this was all a bad dream. I wanted so badly to turn back the time to just 3 days before when the excitement of the pregnancy was all too consuming. The way I’d thoughtfully take care of myself and follow all the guidelines; what to eat, what not to eat, taking my prenatal vitamins, drinking water, enjoying the frequent bathroom breaks. Each moment was so invited, exactly what we had been waiting for, finally we had hope after our first loss………They say the third time’s a charm but what if I can’t even bring myself to try? I’m scared of another loss…..the feeling of emptiness, and the questioning of your purpose in this world.

My emotions are slightly in check and I will do my best to walk in and out of the doctor’s office with my eyes dry. I’m sick of being the woman who walks out of the back room into the waiting room with my face sobbing with tears as I try to avoid all eye contact with the women starring in the always full house. This scenario has happen to me twice now and both times I could not reach the parking lot quick enough. Yes, I deserve to cry……….but I don’t want anyone to see me do it. And I certainly don’t need these happily pregnant women trying to show me empathy when they most likely know nothing about loss.

And even after the tears are gone and the physical evidence has been shed, I get this eerie feeling that everyone that looks at me somehow knows. Almost like it’s tattooed on my forehead……CAN’T STAY PREGNANT. My own personal Scarlet Letter.

Living a Double Life

DISCLAIMER: This is my blog and it is about the only place I can really say what’s on my mind. I don’t have the patience to pretend I’m something I’m not. I’m passionate for what I believe in, but this does not mean I will judge you if you don’t agree. I can appreciate all different viewpoints. I’m somewhat of a potty mouth……especially when I’m angry, sad, frustrated and even when I’m happy. If I’ve given you the impression that I will sugar coat everything, then I’m sorry; it’s just not me! I won’t hold back because I’m afraid of offending anyone. Sometimes certain words just need to be said.

The day of the surgery I turned to hubby and said, “I need a fresh start…….I think I’m quitting Facebook.” Well the surgery is over and the dust has settled and my account…….is still open.

So what’s the big deal with FB and why the hell did I think that quitting it would somehow give me a fresh start? Don’t get me wrong FB has allowed me to keep in touch with distant family from both my side and my husband’s side. It has helped me keep in touch with former co-workers and new acquaintances. But to be honest with you the majority of people who send me friend requests are people from high school. At first this was a novelty……. “oh, look at what so and so is up to now”, and shit like that. But I now find myself being face to face with ultrasound photos and baby updates every time I log in. Please don’t be offended if you are reading this and are guilty of posting such things. Because if it were me I would be doing exactly that! Who wouldn’t want to share these happy moments of pregnancy and new baby photos? You’d be crazy not to! And “yes” I look at these and I may even leave a comment about how adorable your little one is. But the truth is……… it hurts………and jealousy is not a pretty look and I certainly don’t want to wear it. I’m sure I sound really bitter right now and maybe I am; but just like after the first pregnancy loss, it took me sometime to walk passed a pregnant woman without wanting to push her over……OKAY I’M JOKING! I’m not psycho! But seriously starring at all these beautiful pictures of new parents and cute little babies has me wondering what the fuck did I do to deserve this?

And it especially doesn’t help when I see former high school classmates who managed to get knocked up right out of high school, divorced once or twice and now have a couple 6 and 7 year old children and post things like this;

“Can’t wait for my son to go spend the weekend with his daddy, I need to get shitfaced again!”

“I woke up in bed next to this guy and couldn’t remember how I got there; thank god he was fucking hot”

“My four year old daughter just asked me why there’s a naked man in my bathroom……Oops”

“Dropped the kids off at school, and now waiting for my man friend to come give me a workout”

“ I finally approached this hot guy I’ve been starring at for a couple of weeks at the gym. I asked him if he wanted to go out for a drink and he said I thought you were married and have a kid. I said so I guess you know I’m not looking for anything serious…….LOL………I rocked his world tonight!”

I can’t determine if reading these posts make me want to throw up, call social services or BOTH! And yet somehow I cannot successfully procreate and these people can!

Now let me explain my double life……….

The only people who truly know about what’s going on in my life are my hubby, my mom, and a couple of close friends. I don’t update my FB status with details of getting BFP’s, test results, Dr. Appointments, and pregnancy symptoms. Though it would be nice to feel so secure that my pregnancies would be a success that I could feel confident to notify some distant acquaintances; but I don’t! THANK GOODNESS! Because now I won’t have the awkward status update that says “oh lost another baby today……I just can’t stay pregnant!”

I just don’t see the need for the girl I sat next to in 5^th period math or my former ex-boyfriends or the person who requested to be my friend whom I never spoke a word to in high school that for some reason feels inclined to want to be my online friend now to know about my incompetent reproductive organs.

Instead my status posts are closely related to things like; the weather, what’s on TV, the latest movie I watched and other bullshit like that! And that’s why I can’t stand this double life! Basically this blog saves me. I can rant and bitch and say what’s going on and I won’t have to worry about being judged and that alone is enough to make me relax.

Maybe this is just a phase and maybe it isn’t……..all I know is that life seems pretty unfair right now. I’m looking for answers but I really don’t know where to look. I’ve never felt more insecure than I do right now. I feel lonely and miss my family and friends who are nearly 3000 miles away. A part of me wants to pick up and leave and really have a fresh start, and I think hubby feels the same way. We are supposed to be closing on the house this Friday but ran into some problems. Looks like we will need an extension and the listing agent is being an asshole and is threatening to put the listing back up. If he does we are strongly considering walking away and who knows we may just pack up and head back to the west coast.

Everything about living in the Midwest has been a nightmare. There hasn’t been one good thing happen for us. It’s all been a series of let downs and literally the only thing we have to look forward to right now is buying this house. If that doesn’t happen then it really is the last straw! I can’t find a job here, hubby hates his, 2 pregnancy losses, the purchase of our first home is about to fall through, and last night was the series finale of LOST and we haven’t even lived here for a year. Is it any wonder why the hell we want to leave? 

Recovery (Part Three)

When we arrived at the house getting up the stairs to the bedroom was beyond uncomfortable. I had to take one step at a time and pause in between each one. The pain was unbearable and hubby still needed to go drop off the prescription for the pain meds. He assisted me into bed and I think I must have instantly passed out. But it wasn’t for long because I woke up 2 hours later with a horrendous need to urinate. This was the first struggle of post surgery and it continued the remainder of the night. My bladder was sore and bruised from the catheter and I swear it refused to work. I sat in the bathroom for 20 minutes unable to relieve myself. I tried everything from rocking side to side to sticking my hand under the faucet; anything to try to trigger my bladder to release something until I managed to squeeze a few drops. This pattern of sleeping and attempting to pee continued on a 2 hour rotation for the entire rest of the day/evening.

Hubby picked up my medication and fixed me a warm bowl of mashed potatoes. He was even sweet enough to get me some chocolate pudding and helped me swallow my meds. He took such good care of me and was working so hard to clean up the house before his mom and sister arrived the next day. I had my cell phone next to me and called him every moment I needed his assistance. This ranged from; needing him to move my pillow, adjusting my legs, refilling my drink, helping me to the bathroom. He was/is amazing; I seriously don’t know what I’d do without him!

The next morning my body was stiff and sore. I had slept in only one position all night…….on my back. Hubby had to lift me out of bed and assist me to the commode. I sat there for almost 30 minutes struggling to fight through the pain. I can only describe it has a vicious mind game……your brain gets a signal of pain and decides to shut down your bladder and I try to do everything I can think of to get it going again. This back and forth sensation of pain and desire for relief goes back and forth until something finally gives.

Next it was time to shower…….I was still covered in that orange body paint they cover your surgical area with. I was told not to use soap and only allowed to rinse with water. Hubby gently sprayed me down and tried to rinse away all the orange stuff that had me looking like an Oompa Loompa. He washed my hair and then lifted me out of the shower. I was basically unable to do anything that involved my abdominal muscles which I now realize is EVERYTHING! From lifting your legs, bending, walking, sitting up, standing up, lying down, and everything else in between.

So let me tell you about my surgical wounds and if you could see my tummy what you’d find; there is a small incision in the lower part of my belly button. This is where they inserted a tube that they used to fill up my stomach with air like a balloon. This helps them see all around and gain easier access to my insides. Around my belly button stretched 4 inches apart are these 4 small punctures that look like I had been pricked with a fish hook and I assume that’s because I was. I think they have to support your tummy while it’s blown up and they used hooks to hold everything in place. In my bikini area there is a small incision that they used to insert a camera to help them see where they would insert tools and such. And then the last incision is on my right side, it’s still small but the largest one of the all. The pregnancy was located in my left tube so why the heck did they slice me open from the right? Well after inserting the camera into the bikini incision they were able to see the best angle of approach to retrieve the baby and they determined the best approach was from the right side.

I did not want to be a downer and I know that I had a free pass to be one, but hubby’s family had planned this trip several months back and I didn’t want their entire visit to be focused on taking care of me. I agreed to go to the zoo……hubby and I had never been, but only under the condition that I be pushed around in a wheel chair. Walking was still impossible and I could only slowly waddle. We spent 2-3 hours at the zoo and the wheelchair is not all it’s cracked up to be. I must inform you that sitting in that chair was painful……each bump in the sidewalk sent a bursting pain into my abdomen. You couldn’t see over people standing around you so the zoo had nothing to really entertain me with, and many of the exhibits were not handicap accessible. On top of all that my bladder was killing me and the pain killers were making me drowsy. It was a relief to be back home later that day. My bladder finally had a break-through and while still being extremely painful to go I was now able to get a full stream….sorry TMI.

The TMI continues……..

The days passed by and though I was still sore I could tell I was healing. I should mention that when I left the hospital there was some bright red spotting which of course was to be expected. They warned me to only worry if the bleeding became heavy to the extreme……….this is not something I questioned until Monday. That morning I woke up and after another painful trip to the bathroom it was clear that bleeding had picked up and was certainly heavy…..but what does it mean to be extremely heavy? Everything about my body is strange to me, it’s all unpredictable! That morning I also passed a big clot of gray tissue matter. Creepy? Oh YES extremely!

So I called the doctor and was informed that this was all normal. It was simply my body shedding the remains of the pregnancy and I could expect to pass several gray tissue matter pieces and once all was flushed the bleeding would subside. They were right that day I continued to have a heavy flow and passed 2 more clots then almost immediately after the bleeding slowed down.

I had some light spotting over the next few days but I’m so happy to say that yesterday it came to an end and there’s been no sign of it since, so now there’s at least one thing to celebrate now……..hooray. Now I patiently wait for these incisions to heal and more importantly STOP ITCHING!!

If you’ve stuck around to read my sob story……..well thank you! Thank you for your care and support and the many ((HUGS)) they truly mean so much to me. I can’t say the mood will be any brighter here anytime soon, but I hope my sorrows don’t chase you away.

Recovery (Part Two)

About 30 minutes before the surgery the nurse brought in some paperwork for me to sign. I thought it was odd to be lying in a hospital bed just minutes before surgery and needing to sign paperwork. The first few documents were for my consent to operate, and to confirm that I had no allergies and health problems. Then she pulled out the last form and the waterworks began. It was the consent to terminate the pregnancy and fetal death consent. She informed us that all the remains are cremated and that we could request to have them if we’d like. I signed the papers as best I could and then turned my head away as she left the room.

All of a sudden it was time and a male nurse who I had not seen came into to wheel me into the operating room. He mentioned that it was time to say goodbye and hubby kissed me and said, “I love you” but I think we both thought he would walk down the hall beside me and when I all of a sudden realized he was no longer beside me I began to shake with uncontrollable tears.

I can’t begin to describe how quickly everything seemed to be moving……..The next thing I knew I was in the operating room. It was frightful to see all this equipment and the room full of people who would be helping with the procedure. I was moved on to the table and looking up all I could see were lights aimed in my direction and the people in the room were kind enough to remove their masks so I could see their faces. One of the assistants placed some warm blankets on me which helped fight off the freezing cold atmosphere. The anesthesiologist held onto my left hand and was rubbing my arm trying to keep me from shivering. I was crying and I remember him saying, “I need to put you to sleep quickly because I can’t stand to keep seeing you cry”. I let out a small laugh and then felt the doctor take hold of my right hand. She began to squeeze tightly and said, “I fought with infertility for five years and just had my first baby and all the struggle was worth it, I know it may not feel like it now but things will get better and it will happen for you. I want to help you and work with you so that you can have the joy you deserve. Don’t worry about a thing right now because I’m going to take good care of you”. The room became fuzzy and I quickly blacked out.

I woke up what seemed like only mere minutes. I felt an instant throbbing pain but everything was black and I couldn’t hear or see anything around me. I remember I was moaning through the pain hoping that someone would hear me because I was unable to hear or open my eyes. I finally heard a soft voice across the room but the sound was not directed towards me I kept bobbing my head side to side trying desperately to open my eyes. And finally I managed to slightly pop them open but they failed to remain that way and I kept trying to blink and capture a view of my surroundings with each opening. I noticed I was in a large open room and there were other patients around me lying in their beds and I can only assume they were doing exactly what I was at that moment. I then caught a glimpse of a clock and was trying to process the time. It was at that moment I knew something must have went wrong! The clock read 1:35! WTF! Why was I in surgery for nearly 3 hours for a procedure that was to take 30 minutes at most? The nurse came over and asked if I was in pain…….it was difficult to talk and I somehow muttered, “yes” and she quickly inserted something into my IV and the pain instantly seemed to subside. She told me to ask for more if I needed and then brought me a cup of ice and assisted a few chips into my mouth. I was so happy she remembered how thirsty I was. I closed my eyes for a few minutes and my only thoughts were how badly I wanted to see my hubby.

They wheeled me back into my room and were checking my vitals and making sure I was comfortable. One nurse began to read my paper work and turned to me and said, “I don’t see anything here about them removing the tube so looks like they were able to save it.” But just as she was speaking a second nurse came in and overheard, she interrupted explaining that she believes they had to take my tube. I was so confused and wanting answers and that’s when hubby walked through the door. I was so happy to see him but wanted to know if he knew anything and why the surgery took so long? He explained that the information was overwhelming and that he just spoke with the doctor and they ran into a few complications………they ended up removing my left tube. He told me how panicked he was in the waiting room as he watched the surgery pass the 2 hour mark and he hadn’t heard a word. The doctor said that they had trouble closing the incision in my tube because I kept bleeding and they just couldn’t get it to stop. In their attempts to save my tube the severe bleeding kept affecting their ability to keep it closed and too much damage had been done. For my safety they were forced to remove it completely.

I remember crying at the news because I knew this would mean a difficult road ahead……but I’m thankful that I won’t need to worry about my damaged tube possibly causing more ectopic pregnancies.

We stayed in the room only for an hour more……I was so tired and did not want to fall asleep in the hospital. All I wanted was to go home and be in my own bed. Hubby dressed me and checked us out. A nurse came in with a wheelchair and then just like that we were wheeled out to our car and began to drive home.

To be continued……..

Recovery (Part One)

Before I begin I want to say thank you to everyone for their love and support. It’s wonderful to read all your comforting words and I’m excited to see I even had a few newbies visit and share their stories with me. I hope I can find inspiration and hope from all of you.

I wanted to write down my experience and feelings for the past few days while they are still vividly in my mind. Because the reality is it’s not something I want to often reflect back on so the more I can say now the better it will suit the situation.

Last Thursday night was HELL, but seriously could you fucking sleep if you knew you were about to be sliced open and forced to end the life of your child? EH…..I didn’t think so. I sobbed all night through and woke up with my eyes practically swollen shut. Hubby and I crawled out of bed around 6 am and began to get ready for what was ahead. I decided to not bother with hair or makeup and just brushed my teeth and got dressed. Luckily I planned ahead and reminded myself to wear loose fitting panties and pants so that the inevitable ride home that afternoon would not be so uncomfortable.

We left the house at 7 am and started the 23 mile drive down to the hospital. Everyone was headed to work and we hit a few snags on the freeway but it didn’t affect our arrival time because we somehow managed to pull up to the hospital valet promptly at 7:24. My mouth was parched after a night of crying and the inability to quench my thirst with a sip of water. I thought about how dreadful it was going to be having to wait many more hours unable to have a refreshment.

We walked up to the Women’s Surgery Unit and checked in at the desk. They gave hubby a little pamphlet with information about the hospital. They had a television screen that they kept updated with information about the surgery procedures each patient was undergoing. Each patient was assigned a code that would appear on the lobby screen and it would notify family of the patient’s status. They also gave him a little pager so that they could buzz him whenever they needed to reach him within the hospital. They sent us to the waiting room and we sat there for only a few minutes until they called us back. I remember thinking how horribly quick it all was and my hands were getting clammy and I was feeling an urge to panic.

The nurse showed me to my room and handed me the hospital gown and she left us in the room while I changed. Sweet hubby was trying to keep the mood light and was trying to make me feel somehow beautiful in this silly hospital gown. The nurse came back in the room and she hung my belongings in the closet and then I laid down in the hospital bed.  The room was simple it had a bed, a recliner, a window that looked into downtown, a small TV mounted on the wall, and a cabinet that they stored supplies in.

The two nurses who helped me that morning were wonderful. They clearly understood the emotional situation and I could sense that they genuinely felt sorry that I was going through this procedure. I told them that this was my first time ever being in the hospital and they were very caring and gentle and did their best to keep me comfortable during my stay. I was freaked out by EVERYTHING! I didn’t know what to expect from; getting and IV, anesthesia, and how I would feel when I woke up. They were both very sweet and gently inserted the IV and I was shocked to see that I was so scared of something so painless. I was just hoping my fears for the remainder of the procedures would be just as easy. They kept me snug in bed with piles of nice warm blankets and I was so thankful to have such wonderful people taking care of me.

The anesthesiologist came in to meet me and discuss any concerns. He was so sweet and assured me that I would be in good hands. His words were comforting but they also brought the realization that this was all real and I couldn’t fight off the tears. It’s really hard to look someone in the eye when all I can think about is how badly I want to escape from my body and detach myself from the whole situation.

Next I was told the doctor who would be performing the surgery would be coming in to discuss the procedure and meet me. I was so happily surprised when I found out the doctor would actually be female. I can’t describe the sense of relief and I felt comfort in her presence. She seemed confident and laid back and was ready to answer any of my questions. My main concerns were; the amount of time surgery would take, when I would be able to leave, when could I have something to drink, can they save my tube, and what would recovery be like? She was awesome and went over it all…….she explained that the surgery would only be an hour and the actually operation would only be 20-30 minutes. She explained to hubby that things can always go wrong but that does not mean I won’t be ok, and that he should not worry unless he hears nothing for over 1.5 hours. She asked me tons of questions about our history and I told her of the previous miscarriage. She also asked if the doctor who informed me of the ectopic pregnancy went over the options and if she ever offered me the option to take Methotrexate? I told her that they did not give me the option to take the drug and simply told me that I must have the surgery. I told her that I had read about the drug and would have chosen surgery even if they had offered it to me. She still felt concerned and wanted to understand why they did not give me the choice and she opted to call the doctor to find out. She returned promptly and felt uncomfortable telling me. She simply said, “there is a good reason why they did not offer you the drug………it’s up to you if you’d like me to tell you?” I looked at hubby and quickly looked back and said “YES”. She said, “HEARTBEAT……you can’t take the drug if there’s a heartbeat” It stung because it was the first time someone had said the word….although I clearly saw it on the ultrasound the day before I just hadn’t heard anyone admit to it.

The doctor also said she would have to delay the surgery and that we would not start the operation until around 10:20 rather than the originally scheduled 9:50. I looked at the clock and realized I would have to lay in this bed for another dreadful hour in anticipation. But trust me that hour flew by faster than I could have imagined. The nurses slipped what they called “happy juice” into my IV to help take the edge off, though I swear it did not work.

To be continued………

FML

Writing this is not easy and yet some how I had a gut feeling I would. The ultrasound took place today and it didn't feel right from the moment I woke up this morning. I was nervous as hell and had a sickening feeling in my stomach that things were not going to go as one would hope.

The ultrasound revealed that the pregnancy is ectopic. The baby is snug inside my left tube. As hard as it was to hear I'm actually more terrified of what comes next. Tomorrow morning I will need to check in at 7 am for surgery. They explained the procedure much to my discomfort......and the thought of it all makes me sick to my stomach.

Please excuse me if I take a short break from my blog. I'm at a loss for words and just need time to refocus and somehow figure out where to go from here. Thank you all for your love and support, it's truly appreciated and I couldn't ask for better people to comfort me during this difficult time.

Cleaning Up!

Today I began the slow process of cleaning our house for family that will be arriving at the end of this week. And when I say SLOWLYI really mean it! We have a tri-level home and walking up and down those stairs can really wear you out. I find myself taking a break every 30 minutes just so I can sit down and figure out the next task. Did I mention that I’m always tired? I slept for 10 hours last night even after taking a 2 hour nap earlier that day. WOW! The cleaning process is going slowly but luckily hubby has volunteered to clean all the bathrooms which saves me the hassle of scrubbing and dealing with cleaning chemicals and such. It’s been about 2 weeks since I last did laundry so it’s REALLY piled up. That is my current project which is fine up until it comes to folding it all. YUCK! Other than that the only other big task is vacuuming but I think I will enlist the hubby for that chore so I won’t have to haul the vacuum up and down the stairs.

I’ve actually been feeling pretty good……the nausea comes and goes but I have yet to throw up so that’s a relief because I hate throwing up! Other than that my symptoms still remain as sore boobs, headaches, backaches, and sleepiness, and I happily deal with it all!

I hope all the mothers out there enjoyed a wonderful Mother’s Day! Hubby was so sweet to me and taking care of everything and making the day really relaxing for me, after all I’m a “mother to be”, which is so hard to even believe but so thrilling at the same time.

I can’t wait for this Thursday because the ultrasound will take place that day. I’m nervous but so excited I just hope to see my little love bug happily snug in my tummy. But my hubby reminds me that I have to be prepared for whatever the result may be, which of course is sometimes hard to hear. I will keep my spirits up and think positively…..I just know I won’t get any sleep on Wednesday night knowing what lies ahead……..

Did I mention I HATE Tilt-A-Whirls, or ANY other Moving, Spinning Attractions

I think the queasiness has arrived! I haven’t yet thrown up but I can’t shake this constant stomach churning and turning feeling deep in my gut. It feels like I’ve been on a Tilt-A-Whirl and both my head and body are out of synch. I’m torn between feeling excited that my symptoms are brewing and feeling anxious to get rid of this constant nausea.

Hubby has been wonderful and has taken care of all the cooking and cleaning so that I can stay away from all off putting smells. And trust me there are plenty of them.

Food cravings? Not really…….I’ve been planning out meals for dear hubby to prepare but when it gets time to cook dinner what sounded good when I originally planned the meal is nothing but a turn off with it comes time to make it. I pretty much have resorted to making it up as I go.  Scrambled eggs last night, bowl of cereal the night before, enchiladas another. Hubby was even brave enough to make our favorite Indian dish. My appetite is really varying and around dinner time seems to be the hardest meal for me to swallow. But thankfully the best meal of the day is lunch and my stomach seems open to eat pretty much anything which makes leftovers my best friend. It allows me to chow down on a combination of spaghetti and cheese enchiladas all in one sitting. One thing I do love right now is avocados……but that’s nothing new I’ve always loved them. I bought two bags of them so I can just split one open and eat it with a spoon…..YUMMY!

I have waves of sleepiness and some days I can get by without a nap and others the bed is my favorite spot in the house. It seems I don’t even need to have an active day to feel tired. Take today for instance. I woke up after getting 9 hours of sleep and slowly got ready for the day over a period of 2 hours which involved sitting in bed as I applied my makeup and watching the Nat Geo Animal channel. Then we took a drive over to Borders to take a look at some books. We stopped at the grocery store and picked up some Tofurkey sausage for dinner (still not sure if my tummy will be in the mood for that). Grabbed some take out Chinese food (big mistake because it’s the cause for my current nausea) and then took a 2 hour nap. And the agenda for the remainder of the evening involves moving my butt to the sofa and watching TV until my tummy feels fit to swallow some food and then after several hours of clearing our DVR I’ll probably head up to bed. How’s that for a Saturday?

Next week my MIL and SIL are coming to visit us and I just hope I don’t bore them to death with my constant lack of energy. The thought of entertaining anyone and heading out to visit local attractions exhausts me already. Plus I worry about my current state of picky eating habits clashing with the fact that my SIL is a vegan and my MIL is not as adventuress as dear hubby and I. I was asking hubby what type of food we should cook and what restaurants we could eat at. But we are both baffled at coming up with ideas. We were just discussing the foods that we cook on a regular basis; kema curry, Thai green curry, palak paneer, Honey peppered beef, and butter chicken. Our current refrigerate items consist of; sweet peppers, hummus, naan, mangoes, and mahi mahi.  All of these items might not be exactly what they have in mind as tasty and delicious. I know they are just coming to spend time with us I just hope I’m able to stay awake for it and that we can all eat happily and within our own comfort zones. On top of that they will be arriving the day after the ultrasound, and while I’m trying to remain positive about the results and that our little love bug is nestled sweetly in my belly, I would dread spending a week with family if the news turned out to be devastating.

Well this post wasn’t really supposed to turn out to sound like woe is me. I’m actually very happy, very positive, and excited for what’s next. Just focusing on getting through the next few days……

Beta results are in.....

Monday: 704

Wednesday: 1652

The doctor said the numbers are lower than she’d like to see, but it is good to see it increasing. I was so happy to hear the number had risen up until she made that comment. Now I’m freaked out!

She said doing another beta test won’t be necessary and we will just proceed with an ultrasound on Thursday May 13^th. That day cannot come quick enough!

Going through changes......

My body is hard at work……

I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’ve been sleeping. I sleep for 9 hours each night and then take a 1-2 hour nap during the day time. It’s crazy! I feel so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open sometimes. Another thing that is hard at work is my bladder. Oh boy! I get up twice a night to relieve myself and practically every 30 minutes during the day. I swear for every ounce of water I drink I pee 3. LOL…TMI….

On top of that my breasts have changed immensely. They are swollen and sore. My areolas have doubled in size and look kinda freaky. My nipples seem to always be hard and painful to the touch and not to mention really dark. Lots of veins too……It’s all very exciting when you can see visible changes.

When sleeping I find the most comfortable position is on my side with a pillow in between my legs. I use to love sleeping on my stomach but I’m so bloated and sore that it’s near impossible.

Despite all these weird quirks I love it all. I love having this feeling of happiness and wonder. I love the way hubby spoils me. He cooked dinner tonight and did all the dishes while I sat there at the breakfast bar chatting him up and instructing him on how to do things. He’s so sweet…..I said, “I hope you are prepared to do this for the next 8 months?” His response, “I’ll do anything you need me to do”. How sweet is that?!

I had some dark brown spotting on Monday it freaked me out! So I called the doctor who gladly said she would see me right away. She wasn’t concerned about the spotting she took a sample and said it was old blood which was perfectly normal. But she wanted to make sure everything else was going well. So she ran all the usual tests. If all goes accordingly, looks like the baby is going to be due around 1/2/11. Tomorrow I have to return so they can get another blood sample to see if my HCG levels have increased. Please please please let the numbers be a good sign that my bean is growing. If all goes well and I seem to be progressing I will get an ultrasound in another week.

As much as I want to know everything is alright, I don’t want this feeling to go away. I want to remain naïve and happy to believe that there is a beautiful baby growing inside me. I keep telling myself that it might not work out and to not get so caught up but really this is the happiest moment ever and I don’t want it to be shattered yet, I don’t want it to be shattered at all.