Feeling blue........

I didn't think I'd have much to say on this blog.....seeing as how we have put TTC on hold.......

But I visited an old girlfriend the other day which brought up some mixed emotions I was thrilled to see her......We met up at Target as she was shopping for baby toys and pushing around a shopping cart with a little baby boy .......did I mention that this baby is not hers but actually her sisters who has neglected to care for the child and is basically not worthy of being  a mother. I can't go into the details of explaining the situation but my friend is practically raising this child. UGH......and what's worse is that my friend has PCOS and struggles to get pregnant herself. I can tell how heartbroken she is to not be able to have her own child and to have an irresponsible sister who can. The worst part is that the mother has failed to give the child proper care in the way of regular doctor visits. The child has never had a checkup since leaving the hospital......no weight checks ,no vaccinations, and just flat out no concern. My friend has reported her sister to CPS but only discovered that they are not willing to act on the situation yet........WHAT THE HELL! Oh I guess that's not the worst part because.........she did drugs and smoked all through her pregnancy and this child is perfectly healthy. How is this possible?

Seeing this beautiful child has made me have the pain all over again. Holding him in my arms made me wonder how any woman could not want to spend every waking moment with their child. I came home and told hubby that when we have a child I won't be able to have my attention towards anything else and that I would probably obsessively stare at our baby all hours of the day.....forget TV, books, and all that other stuff.

Making Lemonade

I didn’t know what to say……….so I just didn’t say anything.

It seems my life continues to spiral out of control, but somehow I manage to always look at the brighter side.

 

We have put TTC aside……………for how long? I have no idea. I don’t always understand how life works out, it seems every time I think I’ve got it figured out, something gives. We bought a house then had plans to get back into TTC, I was optimistic and thinking things were going to turn around for us.

 BUT, in a weird twist of fate hubby was laid off! Yup, that’s right 3 days after we signed the contract on the house he was laid off. What to do……what to do?

Well, it’s been 3 months now and neither of us have found work…..Ohio is rough right now in the job market.

I swear it was before the purchase of the house that I was praying the purchase would fall through because we had just had the ectopic pregnancy and I was missing my family and feeling lonely and depressed. I wanted so badly to move back to the West and be near family and friends, but the purchase went through and we were trapped.

Not to worry……..we put the house up for sale…….real quick! It must be some kind of record for quickest home purchased and put back on the market.

But the best news of all……..we are moving back to the West! Yup, we are in the middle of packing up right now. We just had to get out of this place! Ohio has been the worst decision we have ever made, we should never have left Seattle. But we can’t go back in time so we just have to make the best of the present. I can’t think of anything that can make us happier than getting the hell out of here.

We decided to put TTC on hold because we don’t know where the near future will take us. Before we settled into careers, hubby and I dreamed about teaching abroad. It was something we gave up on because we had settled into our new roles as a married couple with a house and kids in the future. But with all the drama that took place we aren’t sure what is meant to be.

We looked into teaching in Korea, my family is from there, and we are giving it strong consideration. We plan to spend the next year with our family and treat ourselves to a little rest and relaxation and then we’ll decide where to go from there.

We already have several trips planned for this year. Gosh, we could use a vacation! It’s been a long and depressing year. We will be settled back in the West by October, and then heading to Hawaii in November! Can’t wait! Then it’s my dad’s 50^th Birthday, which I’m so glad I won’t miss. Then we’re taking a trip to Vegas and L.A., where we will visit Disneyland and my sister in law. Hooray! And to top off the end of the year my cousin from Korea will be arriving to spend the holidays with us. It will be her first visit to America and we plan to go all out for Christmas and New Years!

It looks like things are looking up, but we always seem to make lemonade when life throws us lemons. It’s difficult for me to look at this blog which is part of the reason why I have avoided it. It left me feeling empty and unaccomplished in the things I thought I could control. I hope my followers understand. Thank you to everyone who has cared for me and picked me up through good times and bad. You all have been a great support system for me and I hope that means you’ll continue to be there. I have decided to start a new blog, though it won’t be about TTC. I loved blogging and writing about my thoughts and feelings but just didn’t know where to start. I hope to keep in touch with you all and support you through your journey even if mine is on hold. My new blog can be found HERE.

Moving is Hard Work

We spent our first night in our new home on Saturday. It was strange……I guess it will take some time until it really feels like home. Hubby says it feels like he’s staying at an aunt’s house or something and I kind of feel the same. All our stuff is half way unpacked and involves a lot of searching if you need something, but eventually we will be fully settled in and I’m sure it will be great.

Today we removed all the carpeting in the downstairs bonus room. It took us about 4 hours and was pretty sweaty intense work. We had to scrape off areas where the carpet was glued down and use a pry bar to remove all the tack strips that held the carpet in place. Now the floor is just a bare slab of concrete! We can’t wait to shop for new flooring……it should be really fun. We still have plenty more work to do before that though. The next step is to remove all the trim work from the walls and then we need to smooth out the wall surface. Currently there is a textured paint application that we are just not very fond off. The room should be beautiful once we are done though.

Here's a BEFORE photo. Notice the hideous carpet! Next to go is the ugly wood trim!

Here's the AFTER photo. We now have a nice concrete slab for a floor.....

We were so excited that our little dog Roxy would have her very own yard to play in. We put her outside while we were ripping up the flooring and wouldn’t you know it? She was begging to get back in! Apparently she’s an indoor dog! Oh well. She is still trying to figure out why we are in a new place. She is constantly smelling around the house and doing some exploring here and there.

On the TTC front we are still planning on waiting until at least September. I sure the time will fly by though. Oh and AF…..who knows what’s going on it seems I have 3 days of spotting then a week off. It’s been like this for 4 weeks now! I’m currently spotting right now…….who knows?

This Friday my FIL will be coming to visit us. Oddly he scheduled a trip out here to help us move so that I wouldn’t have to do any heavy lifting during the pregnancy. And well a few days after he purchased his plane ticket I had the surgery to terminate the pregnancy. It’s all kind of bittersweet I guess. We are excited to have family come see us anytime but yet it reminds me of why the trip was ever planned. When he booked the flight I think both hubby and I had made a comment about the awkwardness of losing the baby and now we just have to endure it.

And lastly, Thursday is my BIRTHDAY! I can’t believe it’s already here! I will be turning 27 and it all seems kind of weird…..we don’t have any plans and hubby already bought me a gift (tickets to Jack Johnson next month) so it should just be a mellow and otherwise boring kind of day.

I'm Back

Hey there everybody.......I just got back from Bonnaroo on Monday and had a blast. You can read all about it HERE. There really is just too much to say about it. I did return home with a little sun poisoning and was puking my guts out the whole drive home. I also have a pretty red hot sun burn which should develop into a nice tan but along with it came a few heat rashes on my arms, hands, feet and legs. Let's just say aloe vera is me new best friend right now.

So my favorite performance at Bonnaroo was Kings of Leon. We've been following this band for a while now and have seen them perform twice. The first time we saw them they were barely known and now they are huge. It's weird when a small band you like makes it big, it almost feels personal because you've been by them from the beginning. Anyways there's a song that they performed during the encore and it brought both hubby and I practically to tears when we heard it. We've of course heard the song before but it took on a new meaning for us now. If you have a moment you should listen to it.


As I told you all before I thought AF had arrived for the second time around this month but I'm not so sure. I don't know if either of these spotting incidences were AF or not. But during Bonnaroo it was really hardly noticeable and sorry this is TMI but it was light brown and creamy white which leads me to believe it was most likely old blood. Either way I'm not sure if those count as an AF or not? Good thing we are not TTC right now because I'm all thrown off.

We are officially starting to move in now.......Today I spent the day shampooing the carpets so that they are nice and fresh when we are officially moved in. We will be replacing all the flooring by the end of this year but right now the carpet is actually new and really nice too. Tomorrow I 'm going to start patching up holes in the wall from old screws and nails and then it will be time to paint. I already have my colors picked out and can't wait to see how it all turns out.

I feel like summer is definitely here now and so far it's been off to a good start. We have a lot going on right now and it's nice to have each day to look forward to. I hope everyone is having a great start to summer as well.

And We're Off........

We are currently just mere hours away from departing for our trip to Tennessee for Bonnaroo! We're all packed up and ready to PARTY........  We definitely need some time to cut loose!

On a completely other note........On May 31st I told you all that I thought AF had arrived.......It was light and only lasted 2 days but it had the makings of what seemed to be her arrival. Well today I have full blown bloating, cramps, severe lower backache, and some extremely faint pink spotting. Could this be AF? Wow, I have no idea! But I am armed to the teeth with AF gear should this be her actual arrival. Of course she would try to ruin my vacation huh? And she would torture me by showing up when I'll be camping for 4 days in the muggy heat with nothing but port o' potties and outdoor showers to comfort myself with. Oh well at least I can get jacked up on Midol and even indulge myself with a few adult beverages......DAMN it's been a long time!

Any who......I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their week and has a delightful weekend.

We Became Home Owners!!!

Well I've been MIA for a few days and things have been crazy here.......

Thank you to everyone for all your cheering and support through our home buying process and such. Of course things never do go smoothly........On Friday we were supposed to get the keys to our home and wouldn't you know 30 minutes before we were heading to closing it was canceled! WTF total bullshit! I spent the entire weekend feeling bitchy because we had all these plans on getting a lot of cleaning done on the house over the weekend.

Well today we officially became home owners and closing took place at 3pm. We are super excited and tomorrow I'll be heading over to jump start the cleaning while hubby is at work.



On top of that we are leaving on Wednesday for the Bonnaroo Music Festival in Tennessee. We have been gathering all our camping gear and getting ready to spend 4 nights in the Tennessee heat and enjoying great music everyday till 4 in the morning. It should be super fun and hopefully my body will be able to stay awake for it all.

Happy Fiftieth Post to Me

I hope everyone had a wonderful long weekend. Mine was rather uneventful but still relaxing nonetheless. We spent Saturday and Sunday running shopping errands mainly out of pleasure; just browsing through department stores and such. Then on Monday we drove over to a nearby lake and did some exploring. We drove completely around the lake and stopped off at all the little attractions; scenic viewpoints, wildlife viewing areas, the dam, public beaches, and we parked and did some exploring off the beaten path. All in all we were pleasantly surprised to see the lake had a lot to offer and will be a great swimming spot to bring our little dog Roxy. The water was a perfect temperature and actually had me wishing I was wearing my bathing suit at the time but my incisions are still healing and no need to try to get them infected.

On a completely other topic…….On Monday I think AF arrived. I say I “think” because I’m confused at how this could be possible. See Monday would only be 18 days post-surgery which would mean I would have ovulated basically just a few days after the surgery. Could this be? I have no clue but it appears that AF is ready to get the ball rolling. I just can’t believe it’s so quick! With my first miscarriage it took AF almost 2 months to return. I guess I can call myself lucky that it came back so quickly this time and not to mention she’s being rather kind. No bloating or cramps, but my boobs are super sore.  All in all, if this is how she returns I’m very thankful.

Oh another thing that’s going on in our lives is the purchase of our first home. As it stands it’s still up in the air. We feel totally annoyed and frustrated! Our closing date was supposed to be last Friday but the paperwork for the appraisal had not been filed yet. It is the only thing holding us up so we were able to get an extension. So now the closing date is supposed to be this Friday……..We thought for sure we would hear about the appraisal paperwork coming through today but NO! We haven’t heard shit! So now we have 2 days until we are supposed to be closing on this house and we have no idea what’s going on. There’s no fucking way we could ask for another extension so if the paperwork doesn’t show up soon I guess we won’t be getting the house. I said it before that if we didn’t get the house we may strongly consider moving back to the West to be closer to family but all this up and down rollercoaster of emotions is really starting to fuck with my head. I’m not sure to be thrilled that we are getting a home or what? I just wish we had some answers so I don’t have to feel like our lives are in limbo. Finding out whether or not we are getting this home will take us on completely different life paths and being the control freak that I am I can’t handle all this “not knowing”.