Happy Fiftieth Post to Me

I hope everyone had a wonderful long weekend. Mine was rather uneventful but still relaxing nonetheless. We spent Saturday and Sunday running shopping errands mainly out of pleasure; just browsing through department stores and such. Then on Monday we drove over to a nearby lake and did some exploring. We drove completely around the lake and stopped off at all the little attractions; scenic viewpoints, wildlife viewing areas, the dam, public beaches, and we parked and did some exploring off the beaten path. All in all we were pleasantly surprised to see the lake had a lot to offer and will be a great swimming spot to bring our little dog Roxy. The water was a perfect temperature and actually had me wishing I was wearing my bathing suit at the time but my incisions are still healing and no need to try to get them infected.

On a completely other topic…….On Monday I think AF arrived. I say I “think” because I’m confused at how this could be possible. See Monday would only be 18 days post-surgery which would mean I would have ovulated basically just a few days after the surgery. Could this be? I have no clue but it appears that AF is ready to get the ball rolling. I just can’t believe it’s so quick! With my first miscarriage it took AF almost 2 months to return. I guess I can call myself lucky that it came back so quickly this time and not to mention she’s being rather kind. No bloating or cramps, but my boobs are super sore.  All in all, if this is how she returns I’m very thankful.

Oh another thing that’s going on in our lives is the purchase of our first home. As it stands it’s still up in the air. We feel totally annoyed and frustrated! Our closing date was supposed to be last Friday but the paperwork for the appraisal had not been filed yet. It is the only thing holding us up so we were able to get an extension. So now the closing date is supposed to be this Friday……..We thought for sure we would hear about the appraisal paperwork coming through today but NO! We haven’t heard shit! So now we have 2 days until we are supposed to be closing on this house and we have no idea what’s going on. There’s no fucking way we could ask for another extension so if the paperwork doesn’t show up soon I guess we won’t be getting the house. I said it before that if we didn’t get the house we may strongly consider moving back to the West to be closer to family but all this up and down rollercoaster of emotions is really starting to fuck with my head. I’m not sure to be thrilled that we are getting a home or what? I just wish we had some answers so I don’t have to feel like our lives are in limbo. Finding out whether or not we are getting this home will take us on completely different life paths and being the control freak that I am I can’t handle all this “not knowing”.

Shout Out to My Secret Pal

You ROCK! Today when I came home from a small shopping trip I found a box waiting for me on my doorstep. What could it be?

Oh just a show of love from my awesome Secret Pal. Check it out

It's perfect! It seriously made my day. My hubby immediately wanted me to put the earrings on.....he thinks big hoops are sexy. I could use a little sexiness in my life right now! LOL

I love reading travel memoirs......it's a serious hobby of mine! So I love that you picked me up Eat Pray Love
Summer reading here I come!

Thank you, Thank you who every you are! You ROCK!

Post Surgery Appointment

Today I went to my post-surgery appointment………..Sitting in the lobby was brutal. It was super crowded today and wouldn’t you know the only open seat was next to a lady with a Big Belly! She had her little 3 year old daughter with her and she was pretending to be mommy’s doctor…..listening to her tummy to hear the heartbeat of her soon to be little brother or sister. I was forcing myself to look away and continue reading this silly Glamour magazine I pulled from the shelf. Oh and wouldn’t you know I came across an article in Glamour of all magazines titled “How to get Pregnant Exactly When You Want”. I tried hard not to giggle and gasp as it informed me to; “eat well” “avoid alcohol” “Give up Smoking”  “Avoid Stress”    HAHAHA if only it was that easy! They didn’t have any tips on how to stay pregnant but maybe that will be in the next issue. LOL

So what’s the verdict?

Well I’m officially no longer pregnant……and by that I mean no pregnancy hormones are existent inside me. I told the doctor that I had some signs that ovulation is about to occur and she said it was totally possible. I guess I’m in shock that my body could snap back so quickly. She explained this to be possible because when they removed the tube and its contents; they removed any presence that a pregnancy occurred and my body went back to normal within a 48 hour time frame. WOW! Just like that huh?

I asked the questions I had been pondering for the past few weeks…….

Me: When can we be intimate?   

DR: Now, but you must use a preventative method.

Me: When can we TTC?    

DR: After 2 cycles have passed

Me: What will my cycles be like now?    

DR: They should still stay relatively the same

Me: How difficult will it be to conceive?    

DR: It’s hard to say, it may take time…..but your young so don’t worry it will happen. (I hate when people say that)

Me: What is the function of my left ovary now that the tube is gone?

DR: It will still continue to perform its normal functions and the removal of your tube will not cause you to go into early menopause. The future of your fertility will greatly fall to the responsibility of your right ovary and tube. In very rare cases the eggs from one ovary will migrate to the other once a tube has been removed……but I must warn you it will likely not be the case. But like I said your right side is fully capable of conceiving it just may take longer than it would with both sides functioning.

Right now I’m feeling optimistic…….I know it’s possible to conceive and I’m confident it will happen. How long? I have no idea! Hubby and I discussed when we would like to start trying again and we are aiming for starting in September. When we first started our TTC journey it was in September of last year, and soon we will have come full circle, suffered two losses, and gained scars to prove it. I just hope the next part of the journey isn’t as rough. I guess I have the whole summer to relax and take my mind off of TTC, but I’m sure when we reach the start of fall and we’re back in the game my feelings of optimism may change especially depending on the months that pass with only BFN’s to show for it. But that’s in the future and right now I just need to enjoy myself. Enjoy the time that has been given to me to heal and find strength for the next step.

Smile

I love you all for your open hearts and warm regards that you’ve given me. I think I’m starting to come around and I’m truly feeling better each day. In fact yesterday I had a wonderful day. It wasn’t filled with anything extraordinary but it was a good day. Of course I’ll probably still have days of sadness but I’m going to try extra hard to keep things on the bright side. After all I’m a really happy person and it’s very rare to see me not smiling. In fact when I was younger I often was asked why I smiled so much?

I smile so much because I love life…….I have many things to love about it too. I have a wonderful husband, supportive family (my fam and my in-laws), a cute little doggie, and great friends. I’ve traveled to beautiful places, experienced new and exciting things, and found appreciation in all things good or bad. I am fortunate because I have a wonderful home, food to eat, and I always have something to look forward to.....though at times it may not always seem that way.

I truly believe I am an optimist. I just get thrown off balance every once in a while. But not to fear because I’m standing strong right now and want to tell you all that I will get through this. It may not be anytime soon and there may even be more struggles along the way but in the end I’m confident I will prevail.

I came across a fun little poem that reminds me why smiling is so important.

Smiling is infectious,
You catch it like the flu,
When someone smiled at me today,
I started smiling too.

I passed around the corner,
And someone saw my grin,
When he smiled I realized,
I'd passed it on to him.

I thought about that smile,
Then realized its worth,
A single smile, just like mine,
Could travel round the earth.

So, if you feel a smile begin,
Don't leave it undetected.
Let's start an epidemic quick,
And get the world infected.

-Anonymous

Scarlet Letter

For the second time I pulled down that exciting little book from my bookcase………you know the one; “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” it’s a gem of a book with references and exciting information to help build up your mommy to be appetite. And now for the second time I took it off my bedside table and placed it back on the bookcase. I begin to wonder if I’ll ever be ready to look at it again.

This Friday I will be going for my follow up visit with the doctor. It will be exactly 2 weeks post surgery. Exactly 2 weeks since I laid my body down on the surgical table and allowed them to slice me open and terminate the life of our child. I remember the evening before the surgery I tried to convince myself that this was all a bad dream. I wanted so badly to turn back the time to just 3 days before when the excitement of the pregnancy was all too consuming. The way I’d thoughtfully take care of myself and follow all the guidelines; what to eat, what not to eat, taking my prenatal vitamins, drinking water, enjoying the frequent bathroom breaks. Each moment was so invited, exactly what we had been waiting for, finally we had hope after our first loss………They say the third time’s a charm but what if I can’t even bring myself to try? I’m scared of another loss…..the feeling of emptiness, and the questioning of your purpose in this world.

My emotions are slightly in check and I will do my best to walk in and out of the doctor’s office with my eyes dry. I’m sick of being the woman who walks out of the back room into the waiting room with my face sobbing with tears as I try to avoid all eye contact with the women starring in the always full house. This scenario has happen to me twice now and both times I could not reach the parking lot quick enough. Yes, I deserve to cry……….but I don’t want anyone to see me do it. And I certainly don’t need these happily pregnant women trying to show me empathy when they most likely know nothing about loss.

And even after the tears are gone and the physical evidence has been shed, I get this eerie feeling that everyone that looks at me somehow knows. Almost like it’s tattooed on my forehead……CAN’T STAY PREGNANT. My own personal Scarlet Letter.

Living a Double Life

DISCLAIMER: This is my blog and it is about the only place I can really say what’s on my mind. I don’t have the patience to pretend I’m something I’m not. I’m passionate for what I believe in, but this does not mean I will judge you if you don’t agree. I can appreciate all different viewpoints. I’m somewhat of a potty mouth……especially when I’m angry, sad, frustrated and even when I’m happy. If I’ve given you the impression that I will sugar coat everything, then I’m sorry; it’s just not me! I won’t hold back because I’m afraid of offending anyone. Sometimes certain words just need to be said.

The day of the surgery I turned to hubby and said, “I need a fresh start…….I think I’m quitting Facebook.” Well the surgery is over and the dust has settled and my account…….is still open.

So what’s the big deal with FB and why the hell did I think that quitting it would somehow give me a fresh start? Don’t get me wrong FB has allowed me to keep in touch with distant family from both my side and my husband’s side. It has helped me keep in touch with former co-workers and new acquaintances. But to be honest with you the majority of people who send me friend requests are people from high school. At first this was a novelty……. “oh, look at what so and so is up to now”, and shit like that. But I now find myself being face to face with ultrasound photos and baby updates every time I log in. Please don’t be offended if you are reading this and are guilty of posting such things. Because if it were me I would be doing exactly that! Who wouldn’t want to share these happy moments of pregnancy and new baby photos? You’d be crazy not to! And “yes” I look at these and I may even leave a comment about how adorable your little one is. But the truth is……… it hurts………and jealousy is not a pretty look and I certainly don’t want to wear it. I’m sure I sound really bitter right now and maybe I am; but just like after the first pregnancy loss, it took me sometime to walk passed a pregnant woman without wanting to push her over……OKAY I’M JOKING! I’m not psycho! But seriously starring at all these beautiful pictures of new parents and cute little babies has me wondering what the fuck did I do to deserve this?

And it especially doesn’t help when I see former high school classmates who managed to get knocked up right out of high school, divorced once or twice and now have a couple 6 and 7 year old children and post things like this;

“Can’t wait for my son to go spend the weekend with his daddy, I need to get shitfaced again!”

“I woke up in bed next to this guy and couldn’t remember how I got there; thank god he was fucking hot”

“My four year old daughter just asked me why there’s a naked man in my bathroom……Oops”

“Dropped the kids off at school, and now waiting for my man friend to come give me a workout”

“ I finally approached this hot guy I’ve been starring at for a couple of weeks at the gym. I asked him if he wanted to go out for a drink and he said I thought you were married and have a kid. I said so I guess you know I’m not looking for anything serious…….LOL………I rocked his world tonight!”

I can’t determine if reading these posts make me want to throw up, call social services or BOTH! And yet somehow I cannot successfully procreate and these people can!

Now let me explain my double life……….

The only people who truly know about what’s going on in my life are my hubby, my mom, and a couple of close friends. I don’t update my FB status with details of getting BFP’s, test results, Dr. Appointments, and pregnancy symptoms. Though it would be nice to feel so secure that my pregnancies would be a success that I could feel confident to notify some distant acquaintances; but I don’t! THANK GOODNESS! Because now I won’t have the awkward status update that says “oh lost another baby today……I just can’t stay pregnant!”

I just don’t see the need for the girl I sat next to in 5^th period math or my former ex-boyfriends or the person who requested to be my friend whom I never spoke a word to in high school that for some reason feels inclined to want to be my online friend now to know about my incompetent reproductive organs.

Instead my status posts are closely related to things like; the weather, what’s on TV, the latest movie I watched and other bullshit like that! And that’s why I can’t stand this double life! Basically this blog saves me. I can rant and bitch and say what’s going on and I won’t have to worry about being judged and that alone is enough to make me relax.

Maybe this is just a phase and maybe it isn’t……..all I know is that life seems pretty unfair right now. I’m looking for answers but I really don’t know where to look. I’ve never felt more insecure than I do right now. I feel lonely and miss my family and friends who are nearly 3000 miles away. A part of me wants to pick up and leave and really have a fresh start, and I think hubby feels the same way. We are supposed to be closing on the house this Friday but ran into some problems. Looks like we will need an extension and the listing agent is being an asshole and is threatening to put the listing back up. If he does we are strongly considering walking away and who knows we may just pack up and head back to the west coast.

Everything about living in the Midwest has been a nightmare. There hasn’t been one good thing happen for us. It’s all been a series of let downs and literally the only thing we have to look forward to right now is buying this house. If that doesn’t happen then it really is the last straw! I can’t find a job here, hubby hates his, 2 pregnancy losses, the purchase of our first home is about to fall through, and last night was the series finale of LOST and we haven’t even lived here for a year. Is it any wonder why the hell we want to leave? 

Recovery (Part Three)

When we arrived at the house getting up the stairs to the bedroom was beyond uncomfortable. I had to take one step at a time and pause in between each one. The pain was unbearable and hubby still needed to go drop off the prescription for the pain meds. He assisted me into bed and I think I must have instantly passed out. But it wasn’t for long because I woke up 2 hours later with a horrendous need to urinate. This was the first struggle of post surgery and it continued the remainder of the night. My bladder was sore and bruised from the catheter and I swear it refused to work. I sat in the bathroom for 20 minutes unable to relieve myself. I tried everything from rocking side to side to sticking my hand under the faucet; anything to try to trigger my bladder to release something until I managed to squeeze a few drops. This pattern of sleeping and attempting to pee continued on a 2 hour rotation for the entire rest of the day/evening.

Hubby picked up my medication and fixed me a warm bowl of mashed potatoes. He was even sweet enough to get me some chocolate pudding and helped me swallow my meds. He took such good care of me and was working so hard to clean up the house before his mom and sister arrived the next day. I had my cell phone next to me and called him every moment I needed his assistance. This ranged from; needing him to move my pillow, adjusting my legs, refilling my drink, helping me to the bathroom. He was/is amazing; I seriously don’t know what I’d do without him!

The next morning my body was stiff and sore. I had slept in only one position all night…….on my back. Hubby had to lift me out of bed and assist me to the commode. I sat there for almost 30 minutes struggling to fight through the pain. I can only describe it has a vicious mind game……your brain gets a signal of pain and decides to shut down your bladder and I try to do everything I can think of to get it going again. This back and forth sensation of pain and desire for relief goes back and forth until something finally gives.

Next it was time to shower…….I was still covered in that orange body paint they cover your surgical area with. I was told not to use soap and only allowed to rinse with water. Hubby gently sprayed me down and tried to rinse away all the orange stuff that had me looking like an Oompa Loompa. He washed my hair and then lifted me out of the shower. I was basically unable to do anything that involved my abdominal muscles which I now realize is EVERYTHING! From lifting your legs, bending, walking, sitting up, standing up, lying down, and everything else in between.

So let me tell you about my surgical wounds and if you could see my tummy what you’d find; there is a small incision in the lower part of my belly button. This is where they inserted a tube that they used to fill up my stomach with air like a balloon. This helps them see all around and gain easier access to my insides. Around my belly button stretched 4 inches apart are these 4 small punctures that look like I had been pricked with a fish hook and I assume that’s because I was. I think they have to support your tummy while it’s blown up and they used hooks to hold everything in place. In my bikini area there is a small incision that they used to insert a camera to help them see where they would insert tools and such. And then the last incision is on my right side, it’s still small but the largest one of the all. The pregnancy was located in my left tube so why the heck did they slice me open from the right? Well after inserting the camera into the bikini incision they were able to see the best angle of approach to retrieve the baby and they determined the best approach was from the right side.

I did not want to be a downer and I know that I had a free pass to be one, but hubby’s family had planned this trip several months back and I didn’t want their entire visit to be focused on taking care of me. I agreed to go to the zoo……hubby and I had never been, but only under the condition that I be pushed around in a wheel chair. Walking was still impossible and I could only slowly waddle. We spent 2-3 hours at the zoo and the wheelchair is not all it’s cracked up to be. I must inform you that sitting in that chair was painful……each bump in the sidewalk sent a bursting pain into my abdomen. You couldn’t see over people standing around you so the zoo had nothing to really entertain me with, and many of the exhibits were not handicap accessible. On top of all that my bladder was killing me and the pain killers were making me drowsy. It was a relief to be back home later that day. My bladder finally had a break-through and while still being extremely painful to go I was now able to get a full stream….sorry TMI.

The TMI continues……..

The days passed by and though I was still sore I could tell I was healing. I should mention that when I left the hospital there was some bright red spotting which of course was to be expected. They warned me to only worry if the bleeding became heavy to the extreme……….this is not something I questioned until Monday. That morning I woke up and after another painful trip to the bathroom it was clear that bleeding had picked up and was certainly heavy…..but what does it mean to be extremely heavy? Everything about my body is strange to me, it’s all unpredictable! That morning I also passed a big clot of gray tissue matter. Creepy? Oh YES extremely!

So I called the doctor and was informed that this was all normal. It was simply my body shedding the remains of the pregnancy and I could expect to pass several gray tissue matter pieces and once all was flushed the bleeding would subside. They were right that day I continued to have a heavy flow and passed 2 more clots then almost immediately after the bleeding slowed down.

I had some light spotting over the next few days but I’m so happy to say that yesterday it came to an end and there’s been no sign of it since, so now there’s at least one thing to celebrate now……..hooray. Now I patiently wait for these incisions to heal and more importantly STOP ITCHING!!

If you’ve stuck around to read my sob story……..well thank you! Thank you for your care and support and the many ((HUGS)) they truly mean so much to me. I can’t say the mood will be any brighter here anytime soon, but I hope my sorrows don’t chase you away.