Recovery (Part Two)

About 30 minutes before the surgery the nurse brought in some paperwork for me to sign. I thought it was odd to be lying in a hospital bed just minutes before surgery and needing to sign paperwork. The first few documents were for my consent to operate, and to confirm that I had no allergies and health problems. Then she pulled out the last form and the waterworks began. It was the consent to terminate the pregnancy and fetal death consent. She informed us that all the remains are cremated and that we could request to have them if we’d like. I signed the papers as best I could and then turned my head away as she left the room.

All of a sudden it was time and a male nurse who I had not seen came into to wheel me into the operating room. He mentioned that it was time to say goodbye and hubby kissed me and said, “I love you” but I think we both thought he would walk down the hall beside me and when I all of a sudden realized he was no longer beside me I began to shake with uncontrollable tears.

I can’t begin to describe how quickly everything seemed to be moving……..The next thing I knew I was in the operating room. It was frightful to see all this equipment and the room full of people who would be helping with the procedure. I was moved on to the table and looking up all I could see were lights aimed in my direction and the people in the room were kind enough to remove their masks so I could see their faces. One of the assistants placed some warm blankets on me which helped fight off the freezing cold atmosphere. The anesthesiologist held onto my left hand and was rubbing my arm trying to keep me from shivering. I was crying and I remember him saying, “I need to put you to sleep quickly because I can’t stand to keep seeing you cry”. I let out a small laugh and then felt the doctor take hold of my right hand. She began to squeeze tightly and said, “I fought with infertility for five years and just had my first baby and all the struggle was worth it, I know it may not feel like it now but things will get better and it will happen for you. I want to help you and work with you so that you can have the joy you deserve. Don’t worry about a thing right now because I’m going to take good care of you”. The room became fuzzy and I quickly blacked out.

I woke up what seemed like only mere minutes. I felt an instant throbbing pain but everything was black and I couldn’t hear or see anything around me. I remember I was moaning through the pain hoping that someone would hear me because I was unable to hear or open my eyes. I finally heard a soft voice across the room but the sound was not directed towards me I kept bobbing my head side to side trying desperately to open my eyes. And finally I managed to slightly pop them open but they failed to remain that way and I kept trying to blink and capture a view of my surroundings with each opening. I noticed I was in a large open room and there were other patients around me lying in their beds and I can only assume they were doing exactly what I was at that moment. I then caught a glimpse of a clock and was trying to process the time. It was at that moment I knew something must have went wrong! The clock read 1:35! WTF! Why was I in surgery for nearly 3 hours for a procedure that was to take 30 minutes at most? The nurse came over and asked if I was in pain…….it was difficult to talk and I somehow muttered, “yes” and she quickly inserted something into my IV and the pain instantly seemed to subside. She told me to ask for more if I needed and then brought me a cup of ice and assisted a few chips into my mouth. I was so happy she remembered how thirsty I was. I closed my eyes for a few minutes and my only thoughts were how badly I wanted to see my hubby.

They wheeled me back into my room and were checking my vitals and making sure I was comfortable. One nurse began to read my paper work and turned to me and said, “I don’t see anything here about them removing the tube so looks like they were able to save it.” But just as she was speaking a second nurse came in and overheard, she interrupted explaining that she believes they had to take my tube. I was so confused and wanting answers and that’s when hubby walked through the door. I was so happy to see him but wanted to know if he knew anything and why the surgery took so long? He explained that the information was overwhelming and that he just spoke with the doctor and they ran into a few complications………they ended up removing my left tube. He told me how panicked he was in the waiting room as he watched the surgery pass the 2 hour mark and he hadn’t heard a word. The doctor said that they had trouble closing the incision in my tube because I kept bleeding and they just couldn’t get it to stop. In their attempts to save my tube the severe bleeding kept affecting their ability to keep it closed and too much damage had been done. For my safety they were forced to remove it completely.

I remember crying at the news because I knew this would mean a difficult road ahead……but I’m thankful that I won’t need to worry about my damaged tube possibly causing more ectopic pregnancies.

We stayed in the room only for an hour more……I was so tired and did not want to fall asleep in the hospital. All I wanted was to go home and be in my own bed. Hubby dressed me and checked us out. A nurse came in with a wheelchair and then just like that we were wheeled out to our car and began to drive home.

To be continued……..

Recovery (Part One)

Before I begin I want to say thank you to everyone for their love and support. It’s wonderful to read all your comforting words and I’m excited to see I even had a few newbies visit and share their stories with me. I hope I can find inspiration and hope from all of you.

I wanted to write down my experience and feelings for the past few days while they are still vividly in my mind. Because the reality is it’s not something I want to often reflect back on so the more I can say now the better it will suit the situation.

Last Thursday night was HELL, but seriously could you fucking sleep if you knew you were about to be sliced open and forced to end the life of your child? EH…..I didn’t think so. I sobbed all night through and woke up with my eyes practically swollen shut. Hubby and I crawled out of bed around 6 am and began to get ready for what was ahead. I decided to not bother with hair or makeup and just brushed my teeth and got dressed. Luckily I planned ahead and reminded myself to wear loose fitting panties and pants so that the inevitable ride home that afternoon would not be so uncomfortable.

We left the house at 7 am and started the 23 mile drive down to the hospital. Everyone was headed to work and we hit a few snags on the freeway but it didn’t affect our arrival time because we somehow managed to pull up to the hospital valet promptly at 7:24. My mouth was parched after a night of crying and the inability to quench my thirst with a sip of water. I thought about how dreadful it was going to be having to wait many more hours unable to have a refreshment.

We walked up to the Women’s Surgery Unit and checked in at the desk. They gave hubby a little pamphlet with information about the hospital. They had a television screen that they kept updated with information about the surgery procedures each patient was undergoing. Each patient was assigned a code that would appear on the lobby screen and it would notify family of the patient’s status. They also gave him a little pager so that they could buzz him whenever they needed to reach him within the hospital. They sent us to the waiting room and we sat there for only a few minutes until they called us back. I remember thinking how horribly quick it all was and my hands were getting clammy and I was feeling an urge to panic.

The nurse showed me to my room and handed me the hospital gown and she left us in the room while I changed. Sweet hubby was trying to keep the mood light and was trying to make me feel somehow beautiful in this silly hospital gown. The nurse came back in the room and she hung my belongings in the closet and then I laid down in the hospital bed.  The room was simple it had a bed, a recliner, a window that looked into downtown, a small TV mounted on the wall, and a cabinet that they stored supplies in.

The two nurses who helped me that morning were wonderful. They clearly understood the emotional situation and I could sense that they genuinely felt sorry that I was going through this procedure. I told them that this was my first time ever being in the hospital and they were very caring and gentle and did their best to keep me comfortable during my stay. I was freaked out by EVERYTHING! I didn’t know what to expect from; getting and IV, anesthesia, and how I would feel when I woke up. They were both very sweet and gently inserted the IV and I was shocked to see that I was so scared of something so painless. I was just hoping my fears for the remainder of the procedures would be just as easy. They kept me snug in bed with piles of nice warm blankets and I was so thankful to have such wonderful people taking care of me.

The anesthesiologist came in to meet me and discuss any concerns. He was so sweet and assured me that I would be in good hands. His words were comforting but they also brought the realization that this was all real and I couldn’t fight off the tears. It’s really hard to look someone in the eye when all I can think about is how badly I want to escape from my body and detach myself from the whole situation.

Next I was told the doctor who would be performing the surgery would be coming in to discuss the procedure and meet me. I was so happily surprised when I found out the doctor would actually be female. I can’t describe the sense of relief and I felt comfort in her presence. She seemed confident and laid back and was ready to answer any of my questions. My main concerns were; the amount of time surgery would take, when I would be able to leave, when could I have something to drink, can they save my tube, and what would recovery be like? She was awesome and went over it all…….she explained that the surgery would only be an hour and the actually operation would only be 20-30 minutes. She explained to hubby that things can always go wrong but that does not mean I won’t be ok, and that he should not worry unless he hears nothing for over 1.5 hours. She asked me tons of questions about our history and I told her of the previous miscarriage. She also asked if the doctor who informed me of the ectopic pregnancy went over the options and if she ever offered me the option to take Methotrexate? I told her that they did not give me the option to take the drug and simply told me that I must have the surgery. I told her that I had read about the drug and would have chosen surgery even if they had offered it to me. She still felt concerned and wanted to understand why they did not give me the choice and she opted to call the doctor to find out. She returned promptly and felt uncomfortable telling me. She simply said, “there is a good reason why they did not offer you the drug………it’s up to you if you’d like me to tell you?” I looked at hubby and quickly looked back and said “YES”. She said, “HEARTBEAT……you can’t take the drug if there’s a heartbeat” It stung because it was the first time someone had said the word….although I clearly saw it on the ultrasound the day before I just hadn’t heard anyone admit to it.

The doctor also said she would have to delay the surgery and that we would not start the operation until around 10:20 rather than the originally scheduled 9:50. I looked at the clock and realized I would have to lay in this bed for another dreadful hour in anticipation. But trust me that hour flew by faster than I could have imagined. The nurses slipped what they called “happy juice” into my IV to help take the edge off, though I swear it did not work.

To be continued………

FML

Writing this is not easy and yet some how I had a gut feeling I would. The ultrasound took place today and it didn't feel right from the moment I woke up this morning. I was nervous as hell and had a sickening feeling in my stomach that things were not going to go as one would hope.

The ultrasound revealed that the pregnancy is ectopic. The baby is snug inside my left tube. As hard as it was to hear I'm actually more terrified of what comes next. Tomorrow morning I will need to check in at 7 am for surgery. They explained the procedure much to my discomfort......and the thought of it all makes me sick to my stomach.

Please excuse me if I take a short break from my blog. I'm at a loss for words and just need time to refocus and somehow figure out where to go from here. Thank you all for your love and support, it's truly appreciated and I couldn't ask for better people to comfort me during this difficult time.

Cleaning Up!

Today I began the slow process of cleaning our house for family that will be arriving at the end of this week. And when I say SLOWLYI really mean it! We have a tri-level home and walking up and down those stairs can really wear you out. I find myself taking a break every 30 minutes just so I can sit down and figure out the next task. Did I mention that I’m always tired? I slept for 10 hours last night even after taking a 2 hour nap earlier that day. WOW! The cleaning process is going slowly but luckily hubby has volunteered to clean all the bathrooms which saves me the hassle of scrubbing and dealing with cleaning chemicals and such. It’s been about 2 weeks since I last did laundry so it’s REALLY piled up. That is my current project which is fine up until it comes to folding it all. YUCK! Other than that the only other big task is vacuuming but I think I will enlist the hubby for that chore so I won’t have to haul the vacuum up and down the stairs.

I’ve actually been feeling pretty good……the nausea comes and goes but I have yet to throw up so that’s a relief because I hate throwing up! Other than that my symptoms still remain as sore boobs, headaches, backaches, and sleepiness, and I happily deal with it all!

I hope all the mothers out there enjoyed a wonderful Mother’s Day! Hubby was so sweet to me and taking care of everything and making the day really relaxing for me, after all I’m a “mother to be”, which is so hard to even believe but so thrilling at the same time.

I can’t wait for this Thursday because the ultrasound will take place that day. I’m nervous but so excited I just hope to see my little love bug happily snug in my tummy. But my hubby reminds me that I have to be prepared for whatever the result may be, which of course is sometimes hard to hear. I will keep my spirits up and think positively…..I just know I won’t get any sleep on Wednesday night knowing what lies ahead……..

Did I mention I HATE Tilt-A-Whirls, or ANY other Moving, Spinning Attractions

I think the queasiness has arrived! I haven’t yet thrown up but I can’t shake this constant stomach churning and turning feeling deep in my gut. It feels like I’ve been on a Tilt-A-Whirl and both my head and body are out of synch. I’m torn between feeling excited that my symptoms are brewing and feeling anxious to get rid of this constant nausea.

Hubby has been wonderful and has taken care of all the cooking and cleaning so that I can stay away from all off putting smells. And trust me there are plenty of them.

Food cravings? Not really…….I’ve been planning out meals for dear hubby to prepare but when it gets time to cook dinner what sounded good when I originally planned the meal is nothing but a turn off with it comes time to make it. I pretty much have resorted to making it up as I go.  Scrambled eggs last night, bowl of cereal the night before, enchiladas another. Hubby was even brave enough to make our favorite Indian dish. My appetite is really varying and around dinner time seems to be the hardest meal for me to swallow. But thankfully the best meal of the day is lunch and my stomach seems open to eat pretty much anything which makes leftovers my best friend. It allows me to chow down on a combination of spaghetti and cheese enchiladas all in one sitting. One thing I do love right now is avocados……but that’s nothing new I’ve always loved them. I bought two bags of them so I can just split one open and eat it with a spoon…..YUMMY!

I have waves of sleepiness and some days I can get by without a nap and others the bed is my favorite spot in the house. It seems I don’t even need to have an active day to feel tired. Take today for instance. I woke up after getting 9 hours of sleep and slowly got ready for the day over a period of 2 hours which involved sitting in bed as I applied my makeup and watching the Nat Geo Animal channel. Then we took a drive over to Borders to take a look at some books. We stopped at the grocery store and picked up some Tofurkey sausage for dinner (still not sure if my tummy will be in the mood for that). Grabbed some take out Chinese food (big mistake because it’s the cause for my current nausea) and then took a 2 hour nap. And the agenda for the remainder of the evening involves moving my butt to the sofa and watching TV until my tummy feels fit to swallow some food and then after several hours of clearing our DVR I’ll probably head up to bed. How’s that for a Saturday?

Next week my MIL and SIL are coming to visit us and I just hope I don’t bore them to death with my constant lack of energy. The thought of entertaining anyone and heading out to visit local attractions exhausts me already. Plus I worry about my current state of picky eating habits clashing with the fact that my SIL is a vegan and my MIL is not as adventuress as dear hubby and I. I was asking hubby what type of food we should cook and what restaurants we could eat at. But we are both baffled at coming up with ideas. We were just discussing the foods that we cook on a regular basis; kema curry, Thai green curry, palak paneer, Honey peppered beef, and butter chicken. Our current refrigerate items consist of; sweet peppers, hummus, naan, mangoes, and mahi mahi.  All of these items might not be exactly what they have in mind as tasty and delicious. I know they are just coming to spend time with us I just hope I’m able to stay awake for it and that we can all eat happily and within our own comfort zones. On top of that they will be arriving the day after the ultrasound, and while I’m trying to remain positive about the results and that our little love bug is nestled sweetly in my belly, I would dread spending a week with family if the news turned out to be devastating.

Well this post wasn’t really supposed to turn out to sound like woe is me. I’m actually very happy, very positive, and excited for what’s next. Just focusing on getting through the next few days……

Beta results are in.....

Monday: 704

Wednesday: 1652

The doctor said the numbers are lower than she’d like to see, but it is good to see it increasing. I was so happy to hear the number had risen up until she made that comment. Now I’m freaked out!

She said doing another beta test won’t be necessary and we will just proceed with an ultrasound on Thursday May 13^th. That day cannot come quick enough!

Going through changes......

My body is hard at work……

I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’ve been sleeping. I sleep for 9 hours each night and then take a 1-2 hour nap during the day time. It’s crazy! I feel so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open sometimes. Another thing that is hard at work is my bladder. Oh boy! I get up twice a night to relieve myself and practically every 30 minutes during the day. I swear for every ounce of water I drink I pee 3. LOL…TMI….

On top of that my breasts have changed immensely. They are swollen and sore. My areolas have doubled in size and look kinda freaky. My nipples seem to always be hard and painful to the touch and not to mention really dark. Lots of veins too……It’s all very exciting when you can see visible changes.

When sleeping I find the most comfortable position is on my side with a pillow in between my legs. I use to love sleeping on my stomach but I’m so bloated and sore that it’s near impossible.

Despite all these weird quirks I love it all. I love having this feeling of happiness and wonder. I love the way hubby spoils me. He cooked dinner tonight and did all the dishes while I sat there at the breakfast bar chatting him up and instructing him on how to do things. He’s so sweet…..I said, “I hope you are prepared to do this for the next 8 months?” His response, “I’ll do anything you need me to do”. How sweet is that?!

I had some dark brown spotting on Monday it freaked me out! So I called the doctor who gladly said she would see me right away. She wasn’t concerned about the spotting she took a sample and said it was old blood which was perfectly normal. But she wanted to make sure everything else was going well. So she ran all the usual tests. If all goes accordingly, looks like the baby is going to be due around 1/2/11. Tomorrow I have to return so they can get another blood sample to see if my HCG levels have increased. Please please please let the numbers be a good sign that my bean is growing. If all goes well and I seem to be progressing I will get an ultrasound in another week.

As much as I want to know everything is alright, I don’t want this feeling to go away. I want to remain naïve and happy to believe that there is a beautiful baby growing inside me. I keep telling myself that it might not work out and to not get so caught up but really this is the happiest moment ever and I don’t want it to be shattered yet, I don’t want it to be shattered at all.