Big Belly or Bust.....What to Expect Before Expecting

Feeling blue........

2010-10-08T17:56:00.000-04:00

I didn't think I'd have much to say on this blog.....seeing as how we have put TTC on hold.......

But I visited an old girlfriend the other day which brought up some mixed emotions I was thrilled to see her......We met up at Target as she was shopping for baby toys and pushing around a shopping cart with a little baby boy .......did I mention that this baby is not hers but actually her sisters who has neglected to care for the child and is basically not worthy of being a mother. I can't go into the details of explaining the situation but my friend is practically raising this child. UGH......and what's worse is that my friend has PCOS and struggles to get pregnant herself. I can tell how heartbroken she is to not be able to have her own child and to have an irresponsible sister who can. The worst part is that the mother has failed to give the child proper care in the way of regular doctor visits. The child has never had a checkup since leaving the hospital......no weight checks ,no vaccinations, and just flat out no concern. My friend has reported her sister to CPS but only discovered that they are not willing to act on the situation yet........WHAT THE HELL! Oh I guess that's not the worst part because.........she did drugs and smoked all through her pregnancy and this child is perfectly healthy. How is this possible?

Seeing this beautiful child has made me have the pain all over again. Holding him in my arms made me wonder how any woman could not want to spend every waking moment with their child. I came home and told hubby that when we have a child I won't be able to have my attention towards anything else and that I would probably obsessively stare at our baby all hours of the day.....forget TV, books, and all that other stuff.

Making Lemonade

2010-09-19T00:43:00.000-04:00

I didn’t know what to say……….so I just didn’t say anything.

It seems my life continues to spiral out of control, but somehow I manage to always look at the brighter side.

We have put TTC aside……………for how long? I have no idea. I don’t always understand how life works out, it seems every time I think I’ve got it figured out, something gives. We bought a house then had plans to get back into TTC, I was optimistic and thinking things were going to turn around for us.

BUT, in a weird twist of fate hubby was laid off! Yup, that’s right 3 days after we signed the contract on the house he was laid off. What to do……what to do?

Well, it’s been 3 months now and neither of us have found work…..Ohio is rough right now in the job market.

I swear it was before the purchase of the house that I was praying the purchase would fall through because we had just had the ectopic pregnancy and I was missing my family and feeling lonely and depressed. I wanted so badly to move back to the West and be near family and friends, but the purchase went through and we were trapped.

Not to worry……..we put the house up for sale…….real quick! It must be some kind of record for quickest home purchased and put back on the market.

But the best news of all……..we are moving back to the West! Yup, we are in the middle of packing up right now. We just had to get out of this place! Ohio has been the worst decision we have ever made, we should never have left Seattle. But we can’t go back in time so we just have to make the best of the present. I can’t think of anything that can make us happier than getting the hell out of here.

We decided to put TTC on hold because we don’t know where the near future will take us. Before we settled into careers, hubby and I dreamed about teaching abroad. It was something we gave up on because we had settled into our new roles as a married couple with a house and kids in the future. But with all the drama that took place we aren’t sure what is meant to be.

We looked into teaching in Korea, my family is from there, and we are giving it strong consideration. We plan to spend the next year with our family and treat ourselves to a little rest and relaxation and then we’ll decide where to go from there.

We already have several trips planned for this year. Gosh, we could use a vacation! It’s been a long and depressing year. We will be settled back in the West by October, and then heading to Hawaii in November! Can’t wait! Then it’s my dad’s 50^th Birthday, which I’m so glad I won’t miss. Then we’re taking a trip to Vegas and L.A., where we will visit Disneyland and my sister in law. Hooray! And to top off the end of the year my cousin from Korea will be arriving to spend the holidays with us. It will be her first visit to America and we plan to go all out for Christmas and New Years!

It looks like things are looking up, but we always seem to make lemonade when life throws us lemons. It’s difficult for me to look at this blog which is part of the reason why I have avoided it. It left me feeling empty and unaccomplished in the things I thought I could control. I hope my followers understand. Thank you to everyone who has cared for me and picked me up through good times and bad. You all have been a great support system for me and I hope that means you’ll continue to be there. I have decided to start a new blog, though it won’t be about TTC. I loved blogging and writing about my thoughts and feelings but just didn’t know where to start. I hope to keep in touch with you all and support you through your journey even if mine is on hold. My new blog can be found HERE.

Moving is Hard Work

2010-06-22T22:40:00.000-04:00

We spent our first night in our new home on Saturday. It was strange……I guess it will take some time until it really feels like home. Hubby says it feels like he’s staying at an aunt’s house or something and I kind of feel the same. All our stuff is half way unpacked and involves a lot of searching if you need something, but eventually we will be fully settled in and I’m sure it will be great.

Today we removed all the carpeting in the downstairs bonus room. It took us about 4 hours and was pretty sweaty intense work. We had to scrape off areas where the carpet was glued down and use a pry bar to remove all the tack strips that held the carpet in place. Now the floor is just a bare slab of concrete! We can’t wait to shop for new flooring……it should be really fun. We still have plenty more work to do before that though. The next step is to remove all the trim work from the walls and then we need to smooth out the wall surface. Currently there is a textured paint application that we are just not very fond off. The room should be beautiful once we are done though.

Here's a BEFORE photo. Notice the hideous carpet! Next to go is the ugly wood trim!

Here's the AFTER photo. We now have a nice concrete slab for a floor.....

We were so excited that our little dog Roxy would have her very own yard to play in. We put her outside while we were ripping up the flooring and wouldn’t you know it? She was begging to get back in! Apparently she’s an indoor dog! Oh well. She is still trying to figure out why we are in a new place. She is constantly smelling around the house and doing some exploring here and there.

On the TTC front we are still planning on waiting until at least September. I sure the time will fly by though. Oh and AF…..who knows what’s going on it seems I have 3 days of spotting then a week off. It’s been like this for 4 weeks now! I’m currently spotting right now…….who knows?

This Friday my FIL will be coming to visit us. Oddly he scheduled a trip out here to help us move so that I wouldn’t have to do any heavy lifting during the pregnancy. And well a few days after he purchased his plane ticket I had the surgery to terminate the pregnancy. It’s all kind of bittersweet I guess. We are excited to have family come see us anytime but yet it reminds me of why the trip was ever planned. When he booked the flight I think both hubby and I had made a comment about the awkwardness of losing the baby and now we just have to endure it.

And lastly, Thursday is my BIRTHDAY! I can’t believe it’s already here! I will be turning 27 and it all seems kind of weird…..we don’t have any plans and hubby already bought me a gift (tickets to Jack Johnson next month) so it should just be a mellow and otherwise boring kind of day.

I'm Back

2010-06-15T17:58:00.000-04:00

Hey there everybody.......I just got back from Bonnaroo on Monday and had a blast. You can read all about it HERE. There really is just too much to say about it. I did return home with a little sun poisoning and was puking my guts out the whole drive home. I also have a pretty red hot sun burn which should develop into a nice tan but along with it came a few heat rashes on my arms, hands, feet and legs. Let's just say aloe vera is me new best friend right now.

So my favorite performance at Bonnaroo was Kings of Leon. We've been following this band for a while now and have seen them perform twice. The first time we saw them they were barely known and now they are huge. It's weird when a small band you like makes it big, it almost feels personal because you've been by them from the beginning. Anyways there's a song that they performed during the encore and it brought both hubby and I practically to tears when we heard it. We've of course heard the song before but it took on a new meaning for us now. If you have a moment you should listen to it.

As I told you all before I thought AF had arrived for the second time around this month but I'm not so sure. I don't know if either of these spotting incidences were AF or not. But during Bonnaroo it was really hardly noticeable and sorry this is TMI but it was light brown and creamy white which leads me to believe it was most likely old blood. Either way I'm not sure if those count as an AF or not? Good thing we are not TTC right now because I'm all thrown off.

We are officially starting to move in now.......Today I spent the day shampooing the carpets so that they are nice and fresh when we are officially moved in. We will be replacing all the flooring by the end of this year but right now the carpet is actually new and really nice too. Tomorrow I 'm going to start patching up holes in the wall from old screws and nails and then it will be time to paint. I already have my colors picked out and can't wait to see how it all turns out.

I feel like summer is definitely here now and so far it's been off to a good start. We have a lot going on right now and it's nice to have each day to look forward to. I hope everyone is having a great start to summer as well.

And We're Off........

2010-06-09T17:45:00.000-04:00

We are currently just mere hours away from departing for our trip to Tennessee for Bonnaroo! We're all packed up and ready to PARTY........ We definitely need some time to cut loose!

On a completely other note........On May 31st I told you all that I thought AF had arrived.......It was light and only lasted 2 days but it had the makings of what seemed to be her arrival. Well today I have full blown bloating, cramps, severe lower backache, and some extremely faint pink spotting. Could this be AF? Wow, I have no idea! But I am armed to the teeth with AF gear should this be her actual arrival. Of course she would try to ruin my vacation huh? And she would torture me by showing up when I'll be camping for 4 days in the muggy heat with nothing but port o' potties and outdoor showers to comfort myself with. Oh well at least I can get jacked up on Midol and even indulge myself with a few adult beverages......DAMN it's been a long time!

Any who......I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their week and has a delightful weekend.

We Became Home Owners!!!

2010-06-07T22:07:00.000-04:00

Well I've been MIA for a few days and things have been crazy here.......

Thank you to everyone for all your cheering and support through our home buying process and such. Of course things never do go smoothly........On Friday we were supposed to get the keys to our home and wouldn't you know 30 minutes before we were heading to closing it was canceled! WTF total bullshit! I spent the entire weekend feeling bitchy because we had all these plans on getting a lot of cleaning done on the house over the weekend.

Well today we officially became home owners and closing took place at 3pm. We are super excited and tomorrow I'll be heading over to jump start the cleaning while hubby is at work.

On top of that we are leaving on Wednesday for the Bonnaroo Music Festival in Tennessee. We have been gathering all our camping gear and getting ready to spend 4 nights in the Tennessee heat and enjoying great music everyday till 4 in the morning. It should be super fun and hopefully my body will be able to stay awake for it all.

Happy Fiftieth Post to Me

2010-06-01T19:46:00.002-04:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful long weekend. Mine was rather uneventful but still relaxing nonetheless. We spent Saturday and Sunday running shopping errands mainly out of pleasure; just browsing through department stores and such. Then on Monday we drove over to a nearby lake and did some exploring. We drove completely around the lake and stopped off at all the little attractions; scenic viewpoints, wildlife viewing areas, the dam, public beaches, and we parked and did some exploring off the beaten path. All in all we were pleasantly surprised to see the lake had a lot to offer and will be a great swimming spot to bring our little dog Roxy. The water was a perfect temperature and actually had me wishing I was wearing my bathing suit at the time but my incisions are still healing and no need to try to get them infected.

On a completely other topic…….On Monday I think AF arrived. I say I “think” because I’m confused at how this could be possible. See Monday would only be 18 days post-surgery which would mean I would have ovulated basically just a few days after the surgery. Could this be? I have no clue but it appears that AF is ready to get the ball rolling. I just can’t believe it’s so quick! With my first miscarriage it took AF almost 2 months to return. I guess I can call myself lucky that it came back so quickly this time and not to mention she’s being rather kind. No bloating or cramps, but my boobs are super sore. All in all, if this is how she returns I’m very thankful.

Oh another thing that’s going on in our lives is the purchase of our first home. As it stands it’s still up in the air. We feel totally annoyed and frustrated! Our closing date was supposed to be last Friday but the paperwork for the appraisal had not been filed yet. It is the only thing holding us up so we were able to get an extension. So now the closing date is supposed to be this Friday……..We thought for sure we would hear about the appraisal paperwork coming through today but NO! We haven’t heard shit! So now we have 2 days until we are supposed to be closing on this house and we have no idea what’s going on. There’s no fucking way we could ask for another extension so if the paperwork doesn’t show up soon I guess we won’t be getting the house. I said it before that if we didn’t get the house we may strongly consider moving back to the West to be closer to family but all this up and down rollercoaster of emotions is really starting to fuck with my head. I’m not sure to be thrilled that we are getting a home or what? I just wish we had some answers so I don’t have to feel like our lives are in limbo. Finding out whether or not we are getting this home will take us on completely different life paths and being the control freak that I am I can’t handle all this “not knowing”.

Shout Out to My Secret Pal

2010-05-28T18:04:00.000-04:00

You ROCK! Today when I came home from a small shopping trip I found a box waiting for me on my doorstep. What could it be?

Oh just a show of love from my awesome Secret Pal. Check it out

It's perfect! It seriously made my day. My hubby immediately wanted me to put the earrings on.....he thinks big hoops are sexy. I could use a little sexiness in my life right now! LOL

I love reading travel memoirs......it's a serious hobby of mine! So I love that you picked me up Eat Pray Love
Summer reading here I come!

Thank you, Thank you who every you are! You ROCK!

Post Surgery Appointment

2010-05-28T12:26:00.000-04:00

Today I went to my post-surgery appointment………..Sitting in the lobby was brutal. It was super crowded today and wouldn’t you know the only open seat was next to a lady with a Big Belly! She had her little 3 year old daughter with her and she was pretending to be mommy’s doctor…..listening to her tummy to hear the heartbeat of her soon to be little brother or sister. I was forcing myself to look away and continue reading this silly Glamour magazine I pulled from the shelf. Oh and wouldn’t you know I came across an article in Glamour of all magazines titled “How to get Pregnant Exactly When You Want”. I tried hard not to giggle and gasp as it informed me to; “eat well” “avoid alcohol” “Give up Smoking” “Avoid Stress” HAHAHA if only it was that easy! They didn’t have any tips on how to stay pregnant but maybe that will be in the next issue. LOL

So what’s the verdict?

Well I’m officially no longer pregnant……and by that I mean no pregnancy hormones are existent inside me. I told the doctor that I had some signs that ovulation is about to occur and she said it was totally possible. I guess I’m in shock that my body could snap back so quickly. She explained this to be possible because when they removed the tube and its contents; they removed any presence that a pregnancy occurred and my body went back to normal within a 48 hour time frame. WOW! Just like that huh?

I asked the questions I had been pondering for the past few weeks…….

Me: When can we be intimate?

DR: Now, but you must use a preventative method.

Me: When can we TTC?

DR: After 2 cycles have passed

Me: What will my cycles be like now?

DR: They should still stay relatively the same

Me: How difficult will it be to conceive?

DR: It’s hard to say, it may take time…..but your young so don’t worry it will happen. (I hate when people say that)

Me: What is the function of my left ovary now that the tube is gone?

DR: It will still continue to perform its normal functions and the removal of your tube will not cause you to go into early menopause. The future of your fertility will greatly fall to the responsibility of your right ovary and tube. In very rare cases the eggs from one ovary will migrate to the other once a tube has been removed……but I must warn you it will likely not be the case. But like I said your right side is fully capable of conceiving it just may take longer than it would with both sides functioning.

Right now I’m feeling optimistic…….I know it’s possible to conceive and I’m confident it will happen. How long? I have no idea! Hubby and I discussed when we would like to start trying again and we are aiming for starting in September. When we first started our TTC journey it was in September of last year, and soon we will have come full circle, suffered two losses, and gained scars to prove it. I just hope the next part of the journey isn’t as rough. I guess I have the whole summer to relax and take my mind off of TTC, but I’m sure when we reach the start of fall and we’re back in the game my feelings of optimism may change especially depending on the months that pass with only BFN’s to show for it. But that’s in the future and right now I just need to enjoy myself. Enjoy the time that has been given to me to heal and find strength for the next step.

Smile

2010-05-27T09:28:00.000-04:00

I love you all for your open hearts and warm regards that you’ve given me. I think I’m starting to come around and I’m truly feeling better each day. In fact yesterday I had a wonderful day. It wasn’t filled with anything extraordinary but it was a good day. Of course I’ll probably still have days of sadness but I’m going to try extra hard to keep things on the bright side. After all I’m a really happy person and it’s very rare to see me not smiling. In fact when I was younger I often was asked why I smiled so much?

I smile so much because I love life…….I have many things to love about it too. I have a wonderful husband, supportive family (my fam and my in-laws), a cute little doggie, and great friends. I’ve traveled to beautiful places, experienced new and exciting things, and found appreciation in all things good or bad. I am fortunate because I have a wonderful home, food to eat, and I always have something to look forward to.....though at times it may not always seem that way.

I truly believe I am an optimist. I just get thrown off balance every once in a while. But not to fear because I’m standing strong right now and want to tell you all that I will get through this. It may not be anytime soon and there may even be more struggles along the way but in the end I’m confident I will prevail.

I came across a fun little poem that reminds me why smiling is so important.

Smiling is infectious,
You catch it like the flu,
When someone smiled at me today,
I started smiling too.

I passed around the corner,
And someone saw my grin,
When he smiled I realized,
I'd passed it on to him.

I thought about that smile,
Then realized its worth,
A single smile, just like mine,
Could travel round the earth.

So, if you feel a smile begin,
Don't leave it undetected.
Let's start an epidemic quick,
And get the world infected.

-Anonymous

Scarlet Letter

2010-05-25T19:54:00.000-04:00

For the second time I pulled down that exciting little book from my bookcase………you know the one; “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” it’s a gem of a book with references and exciting information to help build up your mommy to be appetite. And now for the second time I took it off my bedside table and placed it back on the bookcase. I begin to wonder if I’ll ever be ready to look at it again.

This Friday I will be going for my follow up visit with the doctor. It will be exactly 2 weeks post surgery. Exactly 2 weeks since I laid my body down on the surgical table and allowed them to slice me open and terminate the life of our child. I remember the evening before the surgery I tried to convince myself that this was all a bad dream. I wanted so badly to turn back the time to just 3 days before when the excitement of the pregnancy was all too consuming. The way I’d thoughtfully take care of myself and follow all the guidelines; what to eat, what not to eat, taking my prenatal vitamins, drinking water, enjoying the frequent bathroom breaks. Each moment was so invited, exactly what we had been waiting for, finally we had hope after our first loss………They say the third time’s a charm but what if I can’t even bring myself to try? I’m scared of another loss…..the feeling of emptiness, and the questioning of your purpose in this world.

My emotions are slightly in check and I will do my best to walk in and out of the doctor’s office with my eyes dry. I’m sick of being the woman who walks out of the back room into the waiting room with my face sobbing with tears as I try to avoid all eye contact with the women starring in the always full house. This scenario has happen to me twice now and both times I could not reach the parking lot quick enough. Yes, I deserve to cry……….but I don’t want anyone to see me do it. And I certainly don’t need these happily pregnant women trying to show me empathy when they most likely know nothing about loss.

And even after the tears are gone and the physical evidence has been shed, I get this eerie feeling that everyone that looks at me somehow knows. Almost like it’s tattooed on my forehead……CAN’T STAY PREGNANT. My own personal Scarlet Letter.

Living a Double Life

2010-05-24T10:58:00.001-04:00

DISCLAIMER: This is my blog and it is about the only place I can really say what’s on my mind. I don’t have the patience to pretend I’m something I’m not. I’m passionate for what I believe in, but this does not mean I will judge you if you don’t agree. I can appreciate all different viewpoints. I’m somewhat of a potty mouth……especially when I’m angry, sad, frustrated and even when I’m happy. If I’ve given you the impression that I will sugar coat everything, then I’m sorry; it’s just not me! I won’t hold back because I’m afraid of offending anyone. Sometimes certain words just need to be said.

The day of the surgery I turned to hubby and said, “I need a fresh start…….I think I’m quitting Facebook.” Well the surgery is over and the dust has settled and my account…….is still open.

So what’s the big deal with FB and why the hell did I think that quitting it would somehow give me a fresh start? Don’t get me wrong FB has allowed me to keep in touch with distant family from both my side and my husband’s side. It has helped me keep in touch with former co-workers and new acquaintances. But to be honest with you the majority of people who send me friend requests are people from high school. At first this was a novelty……. “oh, look at what so and so is up to now”, and shit like that. But I now find myself being face to face with ultrasound photos and baby updates every time I log in. Please don’t be offended if you are reading this and are guilty of posting such things. Because if it were me I would be doing exactly that! Who wouldn’t want to share these happy moments of pregnancy and new baby photos? You’d be crazy not to! And “yes” I look at these and I may even leave a comment about how adorable your little one is. But the truth is……… it hurts………and jealousy is not a pretty look and I certainly don’t want to wear it. I’m sure I sound really bitter right now and maybe I am; but just like after the first pregnancy loss, it took me sometime to walk passed a pregnant woman without wanting to push her over……OKAY I’M JOKING! I’m not psycho! But seriously starring at all these beautiful pictures of new parents and cute little babies has me wondering what the fuck did I do to deserve this?

And it especially doesn’t help when I see former high school classmates who managed to get knocked up right out of high school, divorced once or twice and now have a couple 6 and 7 year old children and post things like this;

“Can’t wait for my son to go spend the weekend with his daddy, I need to get shitfaced again!”

“I woke up in bed next to this guy and couldn’t remember how I got there; thank god he was fucking hot”

“My four year old daughter just asked me why there’s a naked man in my bathroom……Oops”

“Dropped the kids off at school, and now waiting for my man friend to come give me a workout”

“ I finally approached this hot guy I’ve been starring at for a couple of weeks at the gym. I asked him if he wanted to go out for a drink and he said I thought you were married and have a kid. I said so I guess you know I’m not looking for anything serious…….LOL………I rocked his world tonight!”

I can’t determine if reading these posts make me want to throw up, call social services or BOTH! And yet somehow I cannot successfully procreate and these people can!

Now let me explain my double life……….

The only people who truly know about what’s going on in my life are my hubby, my mom, and a couple of close friends. I don’t update my FB status with details of getting BFP’s, test results, Dr. Appointments, and pregnancy symptoms. Though it would be nice to feel so secure that my pregnancies would be a success that I could feel confident to notify some distant acquaintances; but I don’t! THANK GOODNESS! Because now I won’t have the awkward status update that says “oh lost another baby today……I just can’t stay pregnant!”

I just don’t see the need for the girl I sat next to in 5^th period math or my former ex-boyfriends or the person who requested to be my friend whom I never spoke a word to in high school that for some reason feels inclined to want to be my online friend now to know about my incompetent reproductive organs.

Instead my status posts are closely related to things like; the weather, what’s on TV, the latest movie I watched and other bullshit like that! And that’s why I can’t stand this double life! Basically this blog saves me. I can rant and bitch and say what’s going on and I won’t have to worry about being judged and that alone is enough to make me relax.

Maybe this is just a phase and maybe it isn’t……..all I know is that life seems pretty unfair right now. I’m looking for answers but I really don’t know where to look. I’ve never felt more insecure than I do right now. I feel lonely and miss my family and friends who are nearly 3000 miles away. A part of me wants to pick up and leave and really have a fresh start, and I think hubby feels the same way. We are supposed to be closing on the house this Friday but ran into some problems. Looks like we will need an extension and the listing agent is being an asshole and is threatening to put the listing back up. If he does we are strongly considering walking away and who knows we may just pack up and head back to the west coast.

Everything about living in the Midwest has been a nightmare. There hasn’t been one good thing happen for us. It’s all been a series of let downs and literally the only thing we have to look forward to right now is buying this house. If that doesn’t happen then it really is the last straw! I can’t find a job here, hubby hates his, 2 pregnancy losses, the purchase of our first home is about to fall through, and last night was the series finale of LOST and we haven’t even lived here for a year. Is it any wonder why the hell we want to leave?

Recovery (Part Three)

2010-05-22T11:48:00.000-04:00

When we arrived at the house getting up the stairs to the bedroom was beyond uncomfortable. I had to take one step at a time and pause in between each one. The pain was unbearable and hubby still needed to go drop off the prescription for the pain meds. He assisted me into bed and I think I must have instantly passed out. But it wasn’t for long because I woke up 2 hours later with a horrendous need to urinate. This was the first struggle of post surgery and it continued the remainder of the night. My bladder was sore and bruised from the catheter and I swear it refused to work. I sat in the bathroom for 20 minutes unable to relieve myself. I tried everything from rocking side to side to sticking my hand under the faucet; anything to try to trigger my bladder to release something until I managed to squeeze a few drops. This pattern of sleeping and attempting to pee continued on a 2 hour rotation for the entire rest of the day/evening.

Hubby picked up my medication and fixed me a warm bowl of mashed potatoes. He was even sweet enough to get me some chocolate pudding and helped me swallow my meds. He took such good care of me and was working so hard to clean up the house before his mom and sister arrived the next day. I had my cell phone next to me and called him every moment I needed his assistance. This ranged from; needing him to move my pillow, adjusting my legs, refilling my drink, helping me to the bathroom. He was/is amazing; I seriously don’t know what I’d do without him!

The next morning my body was stiff and sore. I had slept in only one position all night…….on my back. Hubby had to lift me out of bed and assist me to the commode. I sat there for almost 30 minutes struggling to fight through the pain. I can only describe it has a vicious mind game……your brain gets a signal of pain and decides to shut down your bladder and I try to do everything I can think of to get it going again. This back and forth sensation of pain and desire for relief goes back and forth until something finally gives.

Next it was time to shower…….I was still covered in that orange body paint they cover your surgical area with. I was told not to use soap and only allowed to rinse with water. Hubby gently sprayed me down and tried to rinse away all the orange stuff that had me looking like an Oompa Loompa. He washed my hair and then lifted me out of the shower. I was basically unable to do anything that involved my abdominal muscles which I now realize is EVERYTHING! From lifting your legs, bending, walking, sitting up, standing up, lying down, and everything else in between.

So let me tell you about my surgical wounds and if you could see my tummy what you’d find; there is a small incision in the lower part of my belly button. This is where they inserted a tube that they used to fill up my stomach with air like a balloon. This helps them see all around and gain easier access to my insides. Around my belly button stretched 4 inches apart are these 4 small punctures that look like I had been pricked with a fish hook and I assume that’s because I was. I think they have to support your tummy while it’s blown up and they used hooks to hold everything in place. In my bikini area there is a small incision that they used to insert a camera to help them see where they would insert tools and such. And then the last incision is on my right side, it’s still small but the largest one of the all. The pregnancy was located in my left tube so why the heck did they slice me open from the right? Well after inserting the camera into the bikini incision they were able to see the best angle of approach to retrieve the baby and they determined the best approach was from the right side.

I did not want to be a downer and I know that I had a free pass to be one, but hubby’s family had planned this trip several months back and I didn’t want their entire visit to be focused on taking care of me. I agreed to go to the zoo……hubby and I had never been, but only under the condition that I be pushed around in a wheel chair. Walking was still impossible and I could only slowly waddle. We spent 2-3 hours at the zoo and the wheelchair is not all it’s cracked up to be. I must inform you that sitting in that chair was painful……each bump in the sidewalk sent a bursting pain into my abdomen. You couldn’t see over people standing around you so the zoo had nothing to really entertain me with, and many of the exhibits were not handicap accessible. On top of all that my bladder was killing me and the pain killers were making me drowsy. It was a relief to be back home later that day. My bladder finally had a break-through and while still being extremely painful to go I was now able to get a full stream….sorry TMI.

The TMI continues……..

The days passed by and though I was still sore I could tell I was healing. I should mention that when I left the hospital there was some bright red spotting which of course was to be expected. They warned me to only worry if the bleeding became heavy to the extreme……….this is not something I questioned until Monday. That morning I woke up and after another painful trip to the bathroom it was clear that bleeding had picked up and was certainly heavy…..but what does it mean to be extremely heavy? Everything about my body is strange to me, it’s all unpredictable! That morning I also passed a big clot of gray tissue matter. Creepy? Oh YES extremely!

So I called the doctor and was informed that this was all normal. It was simply my body shedding the remains of the pregnancy and I could expect to pass several gray tissue matter pieces and once all was flushed the bleeding would subside. They were right that day I continued to have a heavy flow and passed 2 more clots then almost immediately after the bleeding slowed down.

I had some light spotting over the next few days but I’m so happy to say that yesterday it came to an end and there’s been no sign of it since, so now there’s at least one thing to celebrate now……..hooray. Now I patiently wait for these incisions to heal and more importantly STOP ITCHING!!

If you’ve stuck around to read my sob story……..well thank you! Thank you for your care and support and the many ((HUGS)) they truly mean so much to me. I can’t say the mood will be any brighter here anytime soon, but I hope my sorrows don’t chase you away.

Recovery (Part Two)

2010-05-21T10:33:00.000-04:00

About 30 minutes before the surgery the nurse brought in some paperwork for me to sign. I thought it was odd to be lying in a hospital bed just minutes before surgery and needing to sign paperwork. The first few documents were for my consent to operate, and to confirm that I had no allergies and health problems. Then she pulled out the last form and the waterworks began. It was the consent to terminate the pregnancy and fetal death consent. She informed us that all the remains are cremated and that we could request to have them if we’d like. I signed the papers as best I could and then turned my head away as she left the room.

All of a sudden it was time and a male nurse who I had not seen came into to wheel me into the operating room. He mentioned that it was time to say goodbye and hubby kissed me and said, “I love you” but I think we both thought he would walk down the hall beside me and when I all of a sudden realized he was no longer beside me I began to shake with uncontrollable tears.

I can’t begin to describe how quickly everything seemed to be moving……..The next thing I knew I was in the operating room. It was frightful to see all this equipment and the room full of people who would be helping with the procedure. I was moved on to the table and looking up all I could see were lights aimed in my direction and the people in the room were kind enough to remove their masks so I could see their faces. One of the assistants placed some warm blankets on me which helped fight off the freezing cold atmosphere. The anesthesiologist held onto my left hand and was rubbing my arm trying to keep me from shivering. I was crying and I remember him saying, “I need to put you to sleep quickly because I can’t stand to keep seeing you cry”. I let out a small laugh and then felt the doctor take hold of my right hand. She began to squeeze tightly and said, “I fought with infertility for five years and just had my first baby and all the struggle was worth it, I know it may not feel like it now but things will get better and it will happen for you. I want to help you and work with you so that you can have the joy you deserve. Don’t worry about a thing right now because I’m going to take good care of you”. The room became fuzzy and I quickly blacked out.

I woke up what seemed like only mere minutes. I felt an instant throbbing pain but everything was black and I couldn’t hear or see anything around me. I remember I was moaning through the pain hoping that someone would hear me because I was unable to hear or open my eyes. I finally heard a soft voice across the room but the sound was not directed towards me I kept bobbing my head side to side trying desperately to open my eyes. And finally I managed to slightly pop them open but they failed to remain that way and I kept trying to blink and capture a view of my surroundings with each opening. I noticed I was in a large open room and there were other patients around me lying in their beds and I can only assume they were doing exactly what I was at that moment. I then caught a glimpse of a clock and was trying to process the time. It was at that moment I knew something must have went wrong! The clock read 1:35! WTF! Why was I in surgery for nearly 3 hours for a procedure that was to take 30 minutes at most? The nurse came over and asked if I was in pain…….it was difficult to talk and I somehow muttered, “yes” and she quickly inserted something into my IV and the pain instantly seemed to subside. She told me to ask for more if I needed and then brought me a cup of ice and assisted a few chips into my mouth. I was so happy she remembered how thirsty I was. I closed my eyes for a few minutes and my only thoughts were how badly I wanted to see my hubby.

They wheeled me back into my room and were checking my vitals and making sure I was comfortable. One nurse began to read my paper work and turned to me and said, “I don’t see anything here about them removing the tube so looks like they were able to save it.” But just as she was speaking a second nurse came in and overheard, she interrupted explaining that she believes they had to take my tube. I was so confused and wanting answers and that’s when hubby walked through the door. I was so happy to see him but wanted to know if he knew anything and why the surgery took so long? He explained that the information was overwhelming and that he just spoke with the doctor and they ran into a few complications………they ended up removing my left tube. He told me how panicked he was in the waiting room as he watched the surgery pass the 2 hour mark and he hadn’t heard a word. The doctor said that they had trouble closing the incision in my tube because I kept bleeding and they just couldn’t get it to stop. In their attempts to save my tube the severe bleeding kept affecting their ability to keep it closed and too much damage had been done. For my safety they were forced to remove it completely.

I remember crying at the news because I knew this would mean a difficult road ahead……but I’m thankful that I won’t need to worry about my damaged tube possibly causing more ectopic pregnancies.

We stayed in the room only for an hour more……I was so tired and did not want to fall asleep in the hospital. All I wanted was to go home and be in my own bed. Hubby dressed me and checked us out. A nurse came in with a wheelchair and then just like that we were wheeled out to our car and began to drive home.

To be continued……..

Recovery (Part One)

2010-05-20T13:32:00.000-04:00

Before I begin I want to say thank you to everyone for their love and support. It’s wonderful to read all your comforting words and I’m excited to see I even had a few newbies visit and share their stories with me. I hope I can find inspiration and hope from all of you.

I wanted to write down my experience and feelings for the past few days while they are still vividly in my mind. Because the reality is it’s not something I want to often reflect back on so the more I can say now the better it will suit the situation.

Last Thursday night was HELL, but seriously could you fucking sleep if you knew you were about to be sliced open and forced to end the life of your child? EH…..I didn’t think so. I sobbed all night through and woke up with my eyes practically swollen shut. Hubby and I crawled out of bed around 6 am and began to get ready for what was ahead. I decided to not bother with hair or makeup and just brushed my teeth and got dressed. Luckily I planned ahead and reminded myself to wear loose fitting panties and pants so that the inevitable ride home that afternoon would not be so uncomfortable.

We left the house at 7 am and started the 23 mile drive down to the hospital. Everyone was headed to work and we hit a few snags on the freeway but it didn’t affect our arrival time because we somehow managed to pull up to the hospital valet promptly at 7:24. My mouth was parched after a night of crying and the inability to quench my thirst with a sip of water. I thought about how dreadful it was going to be having to wait many more hours unable to have a refreshment.

We walked up to the Women’s Surgery Unit and checked in at the desk. They gave hubby a little pamphlet with information about the hospital. They had a television screen that they kept updated with information about the surgery procedures each patient was undergoing. Each patient was assigned a code that would appear on the lobby screen and it would notify family of the patient’s status. They also gave him a little pager so that they could buzz him whenever they needed to reach him within the hospital. They sent us to the waiting room and we sat there for only a few minutes until they called us back. I remember thinking how horribly quick it all was and my hands were getting clammy and I was feeling an urge to panic.

The nurse showed me to my room and handed me the hospital gown and she left us in the room while I changed. Sweet hubby was trying to keep the mood light and was trying to make me feel somehow beautiful in this silly hospital gown. The nurse came back in the room and she hung my belongings in the closet and then I laid down in the hospital bed. The room was simple it had a bed, a recliner, a window that looked into downtown, a small TV mounted on the wall, and a cabinet that they stored supplies in.

The two nurses who helped me that morning were wonderful. They clearly understood the emotional situation and I could sense that they genuinely felt sorry that I was going through this procedure. I told them that this was my first time ever being in the hospital and they were very caring and gentle and did their best to keep me comfortable during my stay. I was freaked out by EVERYTHING! I didn’t know what to expect from; getting and IV, anesthesia, and how I would feel when I woke up. They were both very sweet and gently inserted the IV and I was shocked to see that I was so scared of something so painless. I was just hoping my fears for the remainder of the procedures would be just as easy. They kept me snug in bed with piles of nice warm blankets and I was so thankful to have such wonderful people taking care of me.

The anesthesiologist came in to meet me and discuss any concerns. He was so sweet and assured me that I would be in good hands. His words were comforting but they also brought the realization that this was all real and I couldn’t fight off the tears. It’s really hard to look someone in the eye when all I can think about is how badly I want to escape from my body and detach myself from the whole situation.

Next I was told the doctor who would be performing the surgery would be coming in to discuss the procedure and meet me. I was so happily surprised when I found out the doctor would actually be female. I can’t describe the sense of relief and I felt comfort in her presence. She seemed confident and laid back and was ready to answer any of my questions. My main concerns were; the amount of time surgery would take, when I would be able to leave, when could I have something to drink, can they save my tube, and what would recovery be like? She was awesome and went over it all…….she explained that the surgery would only be an hour and the actually operation would only be 20-30 minutes. She explained to hubby that things can always go wrong but that does not mean I won’t be ok, and that he should not worry unless he hears nothing for over 1.5 hours. She asked me tons of questions about our history and I told her of the previous miscarriage. She also asked if the doctor who informed me of the ectopic pregnancy went over the options and if she ever offered me the option to take Methotrexate? I told her that they did not give me the option to take the drug and simply told me that I must have the surgery. I told her that I had read about the drug and would have chosen surgery even if they had offered it to me. She still felt concerned and wanted to understand why they did not give me the choice and she opted to call the doctor to find out. She returned promptly and felt uncomfortable telling me. She simply said, “there is a good reason why they did not offer you the drug………it’s up to you if you’d like me to tell you?” I looked at hubby and quickly looked back and said “YES”. She said, “HEARTBEAT……you can’t take the drug if there’s a heartbeat” It stung because it was the first time someone had said the word….although I clearly saw it on the ultrasound the day before I just hadn’t heard anyone admit to it.

The doctor also said she would have to delay the surgery and that we would not start the operation until around 10:20 rather than the originally scheduled 9:50. I looked at the clock and realized I would have to lay in this bed for another dreadful hour in anticipation. But trust me that hour flew by faster than I could have imagined. The nurses slipped what they called “happy juice” into my IV to help take the edge off, though I swear it did not work.

To be continued………

FML

2010-05-13T16:23:00.000-04:00

Writing this is not easy and yet some how I had a gut feeling I would. The ultrasound took place today and it didn't feel right from the moment I woke up this morning. I was nervous as hell and had a sickening feeling in my stomach that things were not going to go as one would hope.

The ultrasound revealed that the pregnancy is ectopic. The baby is snug inside my left tube. As hard as it was to hear I'm actually more terrified of what comes next. Tomorrow morning I will need to check in at 7 am for surgery. They explained the procedure much to my discomfort......and the thought of it all makes me sick to my stomach.

Please excuse me if I take a short break from my blog. I'm at a loss for words and just need time to refocus and somehow figure out where to go from here. Thank you all for your love and support, it's truly appreciated and I couldn't ask for better people to comfort me during this difficult time.

Cleaning Up!

2010-05-10T14:18:00.000-04:00

Today I began the slow process of cleaning our house for family that will be arriving at the end of this week. And when I say SLOWLYI really mean it! We have a tri-level home and walking up and down those stairs can really wear you out. I find myself taking a break every 30 minutes just so I can sit down and figure out the next task. Did I mention that I’m always tired? I slept for 10 hours last night even after taking a 2 hour nap earlier that day. WOW! The cleaning process is going slowly but luckily hubby has volunteered to clean all the bathrooms which saves me the hassle of scrubbing and dealing with cleaning chemicals and such. It’s been about 2 weeks since I last did laundry so it’s REALLY piled up. That is my current project which is fine up until it comes to folding it all. YUCK! Other than that the only other big task is vacuuming but I think I will enlist the hubby for that chore so I won’t have to haul the vacuum up and down the stairs.

I’ve actually been feeling pretty good……the nausea comes and goes but I have yet to throw up so that’s a relief because I hate throwing up! Other than that my symptoms still remain as sore boobs, headaches, backaches, and sleepiness, and I happily deal with it all!

I hope all the mothers out there enjoyed a wonderful Mother’s Day! Hubby was so sweet to me and taking care of everything and making the day really relaxing for me, after all I’m a “mother to be”, which is so hard to even believe but so thrilling at the same time.

I can’t wait for this Thursday because the ultrasound will take place that day. I’m nervous but so excited I just hope to see my little love bug happily snug in my tummy. But my hubby reminds me that I have to be prepared for whatever the result may be, which of course is sometimes hard to hear. I will keep my spirits up and think positively…..I just know I won’t get any sleep on Wednesday night knowing what lies ahead……..

Did I mention I HATE Tilt-A-Whirls, or ANY other Moving, Spinning Attractions

2010-05-08T18:27:00.000-04:00

I think the queasiness has arrived! I haven’t yet thrown up but I can’t shake this constant stomach churning and turning feeling deep in my gut. It feels like I’ve been on a Tilt-A-Whirl and both my head and body are out of synch. I’m torn between feeling excited that my symptoms are brewing and feeling anxious to get rid of this constant nausea.

Hubby has been wonderful and has taken care of all the cooking and cleaning so that I can stay away from all off putting smells. And trust me there are plenty of them.

Food cravings? Not really…….I’ve been planning out meals for dear hubby to prepare but when it gets time to cook dinner what sounded good when I originally planned the meal is nothing but a turn off with it comes time to make it. I pretty much have resorted to making it up as I go. Scrambled eggs last night, bowl of cereal the night before, enchiladas another. Hubby was even brave enough to make our favorite Indian dish. My appetite is really varying and around dinner time seems to be the hardest meal for me to swallow. But thankfully the best meal of the day is lunch and my stomach seems open to eat pretty much anything which makes leftovers my best friend. It allows me to chow down on a combination of spaghetti and cheese enchiladas all in one sitting. One thing I do love right now is avocados……but that’s nothing new I’ve always loved them. I bought two bags of them so I can just split one open and eat it with a spoon…..YUMMY!

I have waves of sleepiness and some days I can get by without a nap and others the bed is my favorite spot in the house. It seems I don’t even need to have an active day to feel tired. Take today for instance. I woke up after getting 9 hours of sleep and slowly got ready for the day over a period of 2 hours which involved sitting in bed as I applied my makeup and watching the Nat Geo Animal channel. Then we took a drive over to Borders to take a look at some books. We stopped at the grocery store and picked up some Tofurkey sausage for dinner (still not sure if my tummy will be in the mood for that). Grabbed some take out Chinese food (big mistake because it’s the cause for my current nausea) and then took a 2 hour nap. And the agenda for the remainder of the evening involves moving my butt to the sofa and watching TV until my tummy feels fit to swallow some food and then after several hours of clearing our DVR I’ll probably head up to bed. How’s that for a Saturday?

Next week my MIL and SIL are coming to visit us and I just hope I don’t bore them to death with my constant lack of energy. The thought of entertaining anyone and heading out to visit local attractions exhausts me already. Plus I worry about my current state of picky eating habits clashing with the fact that my SIL is a vegan and my MIL is not as adventuress as dear hubby and I. I was asking hubby what type of food we should cook and what restaurants we could eat at. But we are both baffled at coming up with ideas. We were just discussing the foods that we cook on a regular basis; kema curry, Thai green curry, palak paneer, Honey peppered beef, and butter chicken. Our current refrigerate items consist of; sweet peppers, hummus, naan, mangoes, and mahi mahi. All of these items might not be exactly what they have in mind as tasty and delicious. I know they are just coming to spend time with us I just hope I’m able to stay awake for it and that we can all eat happily and within our own comfort zones. On top of that they will be arriving the day after the ultrasound, and while I’m trying to remain positive about the results and that our little love bug is nestled sweetly in my belly, I would dread spending a week with family if the news turned out to be devastating.

Well this post wasn’t really supposed to turn out to sound like woe is me. I’m actually very happy, very positive, and excited for what’s next. Just focusing on getting through the next few days……

Beta results are in.....

2010-05-06T17:42:00.000-04:00

Monday: 704

Wednesday: 1652

The doctor said the numbers are lower than she’d like to see, but it is good to see it increasing. I was so happy to hear the number had risen up until she made that comment. Now I’m freaked out!

She said doing another beta test won’t be necessary and we will just proceed with an ultrasound on Thursday May 13^th. That day cannot come quick enough!

Going through changes......

2010-05-04T19:51:00.000-04:00

My body is hard at work……

I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’ve been sleeping. I sleep for 9 hours each night and then take a 1-2 hour nap during the day time. It’s crazy! I feel so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open sometimes. Another thing that is hard at work is my bladder. Oh boy! I get up twice a night to relieve myself and practically every 30 minutes during the day. I swear for every ounce of water I drink I pee 3. LOL…TMI….

On top of that my breasts have changed immensely. They are swollen and sore. My areolas have doubled in size and look kinda freaky. My nipples seem to always be hard and painful to the touch and not to mention really dark. Lots of veins too……It’s all very exciting when you can see visible changes.

When sleeping I find the most comfortable position is on my side with a pillow in between my legs. I use to love sleeping on my stomach but I’m so bloated and sore that it’s near impossible.

Despite all these weird quirks I love it all. I love having this feeling of happiness and wonder. I love the way hubby spoils me. He cooked dinner tonight and did all the dishes while I sat there at the breakfast bar chatting him up and instructing him on how to do things. He’s so sweet…..I said, “I hope you are prepared to do this for the next 8 months?” His response, “I’ll do anything you need me to do”. How sweet is that?!

I had some dark brown spotting on Monday it freaked me out! So I called the doctor who gladly said she would see me right away. She wasn’t concerned about the spotting she took a sample and said it was old blood which was perfectly normal. But she wanted to make sure everything else was going well. So she ran all the usual tests. If all goes accordingly, looks like the baby is going to be due around 1/2/11. Tomorrow I have to return so they can get another blood sample to see if my HCG levels have increased. Please please please let the numbers be a good sign that my bean is growing. If all goes well and I seem to be progressing I will get an ultrasound in another week.

As much as I want to know everything is alright, I don’t want this feeling to go away. I want to remain naïve and happy to believe that there is a beautiful baby growing inside me. I keep telling myself that it might not work out and to not get so caught up but really this is the happiest moment ever and I don’t want it to be shattered yet, I don’t want it to be shattered at all.

Long wait....but hopefully worth it!

2010-04-29T20:21:00.002-04:00

I called the Dr. today to set up an appointment but just as I suspected they don't see you until you are 8 weeks! So my appointment is set for May 24th.......So very far away! Please please please be a sticky bean!

I can't even believe it still. I took another test today......it wasn't any darker but still a positive nonetheless. I'm just so thankful to have so many distractions in my life right now, that will certainly help pass the time.

And I've definitely been getting hit with a few symptoms. Talk about knock out tired.......and headaches........and bloating........and 2 trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night........and swollen sore BB's I practically live in my sports bra because all of my under-wire bras hurt! ouch!

Thank you to everyone who has been here to support me I cannot even begin to tell you how much I appreciate it. I just hope and pray that many of you can join me very soon. I will continue to keep my fingers crossed for all of us hopeful mommies to be.

CIty Daily Photo

2010-04-28T20:04:00.000-04:00

Those of you that have been following my blog know that I recently moved from Seattle to Cincinnati. Actually I've been living in Cincy for almost a year. But Seattle feels like yesterday! And it's always in my heart and will be forever. I follow this blog called Seattle Daily Photo and I just had to share this stunning image. It’s everything I love about the Pacific Northwest…….oh boy do I miss it! There’s blogs with daily photos from cities all over the world so if you feel like taking a trip around the world right from the comfort of your desk you should check it out.

......And then it Happened

2010-04-28T15:03:00.001-04:00

I’ve been patiently waiting for AF to arrive and she has yet to make an appearance and this morning I found out why……..

I’M PREGNANT!

OMG…..I don’t even know what to think in fact I’m still in disbelief!

I woke up this morning and thought I’d just take a test and had no expectations for seeing a BFP but I’m jumping for joy that I did! I have a big stack of those cheapy dollar store tests and figured what the heck I’ll just try one out. It came back a faint positive. I thought there’s no freakin’ way?? So then I waited 3 hours and decided to try my ClearBlue digital I wanted to see it all spelled out and sure enough the words PREGNANT appeared in the window. I’m over the moon with excitement right now!

But of course the worrier in me started thinking about how I haven’t really been taking my vitamins, I have been using allergy medicine, I have been taking Excedrin like every other day for 2 weeks because I was getting headaches, and how I guess I’ve been ignoring all the signs….partly because we’ve been busy with the whole buying a house thing, and secondly because I’ve been let down too many times by analyzing pregnancy symptoms that I decided to not consider every twinge or tenderness has a meaning.

Today I’m guessing I must be exactly 4 weeks, because my last AF was on March 28^th. As I said before my breasts have been sore but other than that I certainly don’t feel anything. I haven’t contacted my doctor yet…….and it’s really far from my mind. My insurance recently changed so now I have to find a new doctor and the anxiety of trying to pick out one has been one that I avoided but I guess I better step up and do it NOW!

I waited until hubby got home so I could spill the beans……..So it’s been just about 30 minutes since he found out and he’s just as thrilled as I am. We hugged and kissed and then he sat with me and flipped through the latest edition of Pregnancy magazine which conveniently arrived today.

Now all I want to do is take it easy…….

It's Getting Better All the Time

2010-04-26T20:13:00.000-04:00

Thank you for all the wonderful support and the many fingers that were crossed for us while trying to purchase a home. I THINK IT WORKED! The bank accepted our offer! And the home inspection was PERFECT! We found a real gem of a home……..and it sounds like it’s all ours so long as the loan goes through smoothly. And guess what ??? The closing date is on May 28^th! That’s just a mere 30 days away! Both hubby and I are ecstatic!! We’ve already discussed the changes we want to make to make it our own.

I want to send a great big ((HUG)) and thank you to my dear secret pal for the month of April. She sent me a delightful little stamp set and this adorable necklace in my favorite color nonetheless….turquoise!! THANK YOU THANK YOU! I LOVE IT! That was really very sweet and thoughtful. I sent my Secret pal a little package too….I hope it arrives to her safely soon…….

On the TTC front I’m at a standstill…..I thought for sure AF would have visited me over the weekend but she never did show. Tomorrow makes it CD31……which is not totally wacky…..BUT last month’s cycle was 28 days and the one before that was 30 days. So……Go figure that when DH and I are getting ready to hop back on the TTC wagon my AF decides to play games! The thing is my breasts have been sore and I was sure that meant AF but I’ll wait a little longer and see what happens. Like I said she is a trickster! Oh and this sometimes happens but this is the first time it’s really bothered me. My nipples are dry and chapped! Ouch they hurt so bad! I think this has something to do with allergy season because I always seem to get chapped nipples at least once a year. I’ve been trying to apply moisturizer to them but it only relieves it for a little while. If any of you can relate please share your remedy??

Hope everyone is having a wonderful start to their week.

Happy ICLW

2010-04-21T08:44:00.000-04:00

Welcome to everyone new and old! I love ICLW because each month I find new blogs to follow and new people within our blogging community. Feel free to read my old posts and learn more about me, but I’ll briefly tell you my story. My hubby and I have been TTC our first since October 2009 and we conceived on the first try…..But it didn’t have a happy ending and sadly it ended in December. Since then we have been trying to recapture a glimmer of hope and each month still find ourselves waiting. But I’m not bitter at least not at this moment. WHY? Because I realize that all things happen for a reason. Because of our loss it has made us stronger, it’s made me reach out to this beautiful community of women that I admire, it has given me a greater appreciation for the loved ones I have around me, it has pushed me to try harder and that makes me value the process all the more. And I know that all this waiting and heartbreak will make me love my future babies all the more.

Currently my life is hectic…..We are in the process of purchasing a home and made an offer on a bank owned foreclosure. Surprisingly they responded to our offer within a few days and gave us a verbal acceptance. We were thrilled! But now almost 2 weeks later we have heard nothing more and have yet to receive a written contract. This has us going crazy because the bank had requested that we have a home inspection completed within 2 weeks of the verbal acceptance. That day is tomorrow! I have an inspector ready to go but if we don’t get a written contract I will need to call and cancel, because without a written contract there is NO WAY we are paying for a home inspection. So what’s the hold up? Well it’s not the BANK!!! It’s their listing agent! He let our paperwork sit on his desk for days and after some strong wording from our buyers agent he finally sent the paperwork to the bank on Monday. Now today is supposed to be the day that we hear some news, but I must say I’m not too hopeful, too much waiting and dealing with incompetent people has made me lose my positive attitude. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep your fingers crossed for us, we could really use a win right now!

My Latest Project

2010-04-20T18:24:00.000-04:00

My neighbor threw out this cute table and I stole it! It was missing a knob, was covered in crayon drawings and some sticky gunk. I sanded it down, painted it, added a new knob and gave it a new home. YES, I'm the neighbor who rummages through your trash, and I’m not afraid to admit it. I’m saving our landfills one furniture piece at a time. LOL

What's Going On

2010-04-19T19:29:00.002-04:00

So I have a confession………I haven’t had a haircut in almost 2 years! I know …….that’s crazy; BUT, over the weekend I decided to just do it. I chopped off 15 inches! It feels incredible! My hair was getting so long the ends were very damaged and it was hard to maintain. Plus it’s getting hot and humid already and nothing is worse than having hair stick to your face and neck. It’s so nice because the haircut is so low maintenance that it doesn’t ever really get tangled and I don’t even have to style it and it looks good. I’m pretty happy!

My allergies are still killing me and everyday is a battle with the sneezes and seasonal headaches. I hate it! We are also still working on buying a home which has been so horribly frustrating so far. Our offer was accepted by Fannie Mae and they sent over the terms and conditions that we had to agree to. We signed them and our agent faxed them over to the listing agent who represents the home for Fannie and he has been impossible to deal with. First issue is that he added the closing costs and loan amounts wrong and has marked them lower than what they should be. When we pointed this out he said that he doesn’t suggest fudging the numbers with white out because Fannie will think the document has been tampered with. He assured us that they will either fix it or it will go unnoticed which would be a benefit to us. I hope that this doesn’t delay the process and come back to bite us in the ass all because he can’t add and was too lazy to write up a new agreement. Our agent then faxed the documents to him for him to pass along to Fannie Mae. Once Fannie receives these documents they can sign the contract stating that they are selling us the home. We waited……….two days later he says the fax transfer was poor quality and we need to send it again. Our agent offered to hand deliver it to him but he said that wasn’t necessary. So she scanned the documents and emailed them to him as well as faxed. Another two days passes…….He then calls this morning and says the copy is still not acceptable. Our agent begged to meet with him and give him the documents in person but he said he wasn’t sure he was available. I then called our agent and told her that we are getting very frustrated because we have been doing everything that Fannie has asked of us and this guy is delaying the process. On top of all this when Fannie sent over the acceptance letter they stated that we need to have the home inspection completed within 10 days. That makes the deadline this THURSDAY! I set up the home inspection but the fact is that we are responsible for paying for it and it is unacceptable to expect us to pay for an inspection on a home that we don’t have a written contract on yet. We need something in writing rather than the verbal agreement. I told are agent to pass this along to him and then he called back and magically he said, “ I fixed the documents and the quality is fine”. What the heck! Is this guy a complete idiot or what? Today we told the guy that if he can’t show us in writing that the home is ours within 48hrs then we are cancelling the inspection and walking away. We wasted 2 weeks on this home and the deadline to buy a home and qualify for the tax credit is only 11 days away. UGH!!! So frustrating!! I really hope we hear some good news by Wednesday.

In other news……I have been a horrible TTC’er! I don’t always remember to take my vitamins and I have been drinking caffeine, and my headaches have been so bad that I’ve been taking Excedrin like every day! I know we weren’t really trying this month but man did I fall off the band wagon. I just hope that I can get things back on track next cycle. I will be a fully dedicated TTC’er and I think I might even start taking my temp again every morning. As for now my AF should arrive probably this coming up weekend. Then it’s time to get serious!

My Reappearing Act.......TA-DA!

2010-04-12T09:23:00.000-04:00

I disappeared for awhile and I apologize for that. I’ve been so busy……….

Hubby and I decided to jump into home ownership and we have been house hunting for the past week. It has been exciting and overwhelming, but we did find a home we love and put an offer on it on Friday afternoon. It’s bank owned; Fannie Mae to be exact so we have no idea how long we will have to wait to hear back about our offer. Our agent feels it will be this week and we are really hoping she’s right about that. But of course that’s not the only thing we are worried about……… The listing agent that represents the home had said there was another offer but from the sound of it it’s much lower than asking price. So we went in just right above asking hoping that we could entice the bank to sell to us. The home is priced well below value and out of all the bank owned properties we saw it’s literally in move-in condition. Plus it’s in a desirable area with shopping and a great school district so getting it for that price would be instant equity. Over the weekend it was National Open House Day so there’s no doubt that there were people looking at the property and if we liked it then there’s bound to be others that like it. This could mean even more competition. So now we just have to sit and wait………and we all know how terrible waiting is! It’s really out of our hands we just hope that the home had no offers greater than ours, but if they do then we hope the bank sends out a request for all interested buyers to submit their best and final offers. That way we would be given a second chance to offer exactly what we are willing to pay, and if we lose we can feel better knowing that we offered as much as we would pay. We are trying to be optimistic but it’s really hard. We have discussed that losing this home would not be the end of the world because we also saw 2 other homes we are interested in. Homes seem to be getting snatched up faster than you can see them. So sitting here waiting when there’s other homes out there is REALLY hard, especially if our offer is rejected because we will have wasted valuable searching time. So keep your fingers crossed for us that we hear something soon.

Some wonderful news is that I got in touch with a dear friend of mine from High School that I haven’t spoke with her for like 6 months. After catching up for about an hour I realized that she truly is my “kindred spirit”. I went on to tell her everything that has been going on with me; TTC, my loss, life, family, and all that kind of stuff. She is so supportive and I discovered that she too has been going through these same motions. She also shared with me her experiences with being surrounded by preggo women , one of which is her sister and how difficult it can be physically and emotionally to be supportive when you know how badly you wish to conceive. I think we both feel the anticipation and joy of TTC is ruined as each month passes by. There is comfort in knowing you’re not alone……..

As for TTC we really haven’t been thinking about it……..I actually forgot what cycle day I was on and because I stopped using Fertility Friend over a month ago I couldn’t even go on there to check. But thanks to my blog I was able to look back and see when I mentioned AF. So I guess I’m on CD15, which means I may have ovulated already but seeing as how I’m not doing any OPKs I really have no clue. Hubby and I have been so busy that BDing has been far from our minds so I’m sure we missed the window. But as you all know we weren’t really trying all too hard this cycle. However next cycle kicks off the big change…….I will be back in and going in full force. Hopefully May or June will be our month. I need to order some more OPKs and gear up so we will be good and ready.

Until then I’ll be doing what I’m always doing………. WAITING!

Happy Easter!!

2010-04-04T00:41:00.000-04:00

Yuck! Allergies have hit me hard! Sniffling, sneezing, throat itching, nose twitching, eyes watering, and nose bleeding…….. when will it end???

On top of that it has been 80 degrees and while I love the warm weather it has been so hot in our home we started to wonder if we need to run the a/c already. Sleeping at night has been brutal! It’s too hot and sticky to be under the blankets and even with the window wide open it doesn’t seem to bring in any breeze. Looks like it’s going to be a long hot summer and we haven’t made it through spring!

Speaking of Spring…..I wish everyone a Happy Easter! We don’t have any plans really. We bought stuff to cook a nice dinner and discussed how fun it would be to decorate some eggs and put together Easter Baskets……..some day that will be in our forecast. But for now it’s just another lonely Holiday far away from our family and friends. Being in a new city far from everyone you know and love is always hardest at times like these. It can feel so isolated……..

My AF is nearly gone. I think tomorrow she will be officially outta here! So hooray for that! My BB's have been killing me. They are so sore! I have no idea why....they are usually only sore right before AF starts and maybe the first day of AF but not towards the end.......but who knows my body is so wacky these days. Now on to another month of low key not really trying to hard business but hoping somehow we magically conceive kind of month. I’ll let you know how that works out……..

Memories

2010-04-01T10:13:00.000-04:00

I love Jack Johnson!

I can pretty much never get tired of listening to him. But let me set the scene for you on October 21^st 2007. It was a drizzling day in Seattle and the fall leaves were in full color. Bright oranges, yellows, and reds. It was around 7 am and I was finishing up my hair and makeup getting ready to slip on my beautiful white dress. YES ! It’s my wedding day………

Our Wedding day was a long day in the making because Zack and I first met in the 7^th grade……….We shared so many childhood memories together and experienced some of our most memorable moments in life together. Hanging out in our classes, same teachers, same friends, after-school clubs, sporting events, parties, Prom, graduation and college. So it was only fitting that after sharing 12 years together that we finally tied the knot.

Zack and I planned to meet each other at 9 am on the campus of the University of Washington with the photographer and our families for formal photos. I was so excited and nervous because I was hoping the rain would not begin to pick up while we were outside and exposed.

We spent an hour getting our photos taken and wouldn’t you know during the last few shots the rain began to pour. It was almost cinematic how our timing could not have been planned better. And now it was time to walk down the aisle with my one true love…….

Our wedding venue was called The Lakeside and located on Lake Union and directly across the lake was a view of the city and all its beautiful buildings. If you’ve ever seen Sleepless in Seattle then you would recognize all the little floating homes perched nearby. Our ceremony was to take place out on the boat dock under a white tent to shelter us from the rain that made a soft muffled pitter patter sound as it fell down on it.

As our guests arrived they were greeted with Seattle coffee……..of course and little pastries too, and as they seated themselves they heard the sweet sounds of Jack Johnson. Songs like;

Better Together

Banana Pancakes

Do You Remember

Bubble Toes

I walked down the aisle beside my Dad…………

And when the ceremony finished Zack and I celebrated and walked down the aisle together to the tune of this song……….

We went on to have a beautiful wedding and I'll always remember how Jack Johnson was a part of our day.

6 months later we went to Hawaii and we got to see the neighborhood he grew up in and the school he attended and wouldn’t you know it that same weekend we were there he was performing in Hawaii. We wanted so desperately to go but unfortunately we were in Hawaii for a wedding and couldn’t break away.

I have spent nearly 3 years waiting for the opportunity to arrive to see him and it’s finally here. He is performing 3 hours north of here this July and tickets go on sale in 2 weeks!!!!!

My Update

2010-03-31T22:14:00.000-04:00

My mind has been far from TTC so much that I forgot to mention that my AF showed up 2 days ago which is earlier than I expected. On the upside there was no need to waste a pee test and we're getting closer to booking a vacation. But of course it sucks because I’m always wishing and hoping that maybe I’m pregnant. My monthly visitor has been extremely light ever since the miscarriage. It’s strange because usually the flood gates are open for a few days. Sorry for TMI…….But for the past 3 months they have been so light that I barely notice it and it only lasts 3 days. Bizarre…..

The weather has been so nice here and I can’t wait t get outside and start running. But the days seem to pass so quickly I wonder if I’ll ever find the time. Even with the extension of daylight I still can’t seem to fit it in my schedule. Hubby and I have been talking about creating a schedule for years now and somehow we have failed to ever put one together. And even if we did who’s to say we’d even follow it. LOL. We also bought the Wii Active which I guess is kind of like a personal trainer. I’m going to try to do the 30 day challenge that goes with it. I’ll keep everyone posted on how that goes.

Hubby splurged and bought this fancy little coffee machine called the Keurig. It’s pretty cool because it makes single cup servings using these little cups that you insert and the machine does the rest. I don’t drink coffee; I can’t seem to appreciate the taste. But I do love chai tea, and so today we bought the chai tea for the machine and I tasted it and was pleasantly surprised. I guess this fancy coffee machine might have a purpose to me too. Of course it's not exactly a chai tea from Starbucks but hey it satisfies my craving and it only costs me 75 cents vs. $3.00.

I'm trying to make time for reading as well and I'm currently on the lookout for a new book. Any suggestions?? I'd love to hear them??

Demons Among Us

2010-03-30T23:05:00.000-04:00

Today I received some heart wrenching news about a dear family member. I have not seen or heard from her in over 8 years now and my only memories of her were from my childhood. Sadly I had heard that she has been suffering and battling personal demons that stem from years of abuse during her childhood that have remained a secret for all these years until now. I cried for her today and reflected on the days that we spent together. I desperately tried to remember if I ever saw any signs or strange behavior that could have hinted to the abuse. I feel a piece of my heart has blackened as I’m now reminded of the evil that lurks in this world. I feel anger and disgust to know that someone could harm her. I wish I could reach out to her and comfort her. But I know she is healing and the time is not appropriate. We haven’t spoken to each other in nearly a decade and I only remember her as the small girl who went through her childhood and teen years beside me. I remember her as the rebellious teen who snuck a bottle of peach schnapps from the liquor cabinet with me during Thanksgiving while everyone else was inside the house eating and gawking at the feast before them. We walked around the block passing the bottle back and forth giggling the whole time and discussing how we only see each other on the holidays. I remember her has the little girl who’d sit with me and listen to hours of music. The girl who played Barbie’s with me when were about 8 years old and the girl who stayed up all night with me on Christmas Eve and snuck a peak at our Christmas gifts before it was time to open them. She seemed so happy and we were both kids who enjoyed playing dress-up. I can’t believe that in the background of this child was a life of terror and loss of innocence. I debated whether I should write about my feelings over this news. But writing is therapeutic and that’s why I needed to do this. I need to express how my heart has broken and even though I have no way to tell her how I feel I needed it to be said. You see there was a 2 year period where she came to live me as kid. We shared a room together and she was my friend, and practically my sister. That time was so long ago, 20 years ago to be exact.We had our fights as most young girls would but I loved having her as a part of my childhood and it brought us closer. I just wish I was close enough for her to have told me then. My mom told me today that one time we had a big fight and she slapped me across the face. I cried and when my mom asked her why she hurt me she sat in silence for awhile and then burst into to tears screaming, " She hates herself". I hope somewhere out there she knows that I love her and miss her and care about her. I hope she knows that if she ever needs me I’ll be there for her. But mostly I hope that while she has placed herself in seclusion and asks for this request to be fulfilled that she finds the strength to heal, to find purpose and meaning, and finds that she is a beautiful woman.

She quoted this song;

I've been hanging out down by the train's depot, no I don't ride, I just sit and watch the people there. And they remind me of windup cars in motion, the way they spin and turn and jockey for positions and I want to scream out that it all is nonsense, oh your life's one track, can't you see it's pointless? But just then my knees give under me, my head feels weak and suddenly it's clear to see it's not them but me who's lost my self-identity.

~Bright Eyes

My Amazing Secret Pal

2010-03-26T12:49:00.000-04:00

Things are so much better when they are unexpected……

Today a packaged was delivered to our home and I thought nothing of it because every day this week a box was dropped off from Amazon because as you all know I like to shop there. Well an Amazon package arrived on my doorstep I grabbed it expecting it to be these new cake pans I recently purchased. But when I opened it I found a lovely wrapped box with a card that read;

To my Secret Pal,

Sending this little gift of turquoise to brighten your day! I hope you can find something yummy to fill it with!

Love,

Your Secret Pal

Oh my goodness! When I opened that lovely little box I found a beautiful Wok shaped bowl and it was painted in my favorite color Turquoise!

My Secret Pal who has already revealed herself to me as Lis really hit the nail on the head. I absolutely love it! Plus thanks to the Secret Pals project I found a new blog to follow. Can’t wait to join your journey Lis.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You’ve inspired me to fill it with some Honey Peppered Beef tonight! I can’t wait to get cookin’!

I really can't stop smiling!

Eat, Sleep, Shop

2010-03-24T22:44:00.000-04:00

Free Myspace Layouts and Graphics - LayoutsPlanet.com

Let’s talk about my day………..Wow, I had a major migraine! And then I resisted all temptations to start popping some pills by taking a 3 hour nap. Great! Now how will I get any sleep tonight! UGHH! I fell asleep at 5 and woke up at 7:45. But on the upside my migraine had disappeared so I guess that part was worth it.

Found a leak in our roof today so that was exciting….NOT! Turns out I wouldn’t have even known it was there if it wasn’t for Dish Network needing to crawl up into the attic space while wiring the guest bedroom for satellite. Good news is that the guest bedroom now has a working signal, bad news we have a leaky roof…….

My hubby came home today around 1pm and took me out to lunch. We headed on over to the Cheesecake Factory which we haven’t eaten at in awhile and of course it was delicious. I ate what I usually get there the soup, salad and half sandwich combo. And hubby had the caramel chicken. We both indulged ourselves and shared a piece of red velvet cheesecake…..oh my goodness was that tasty! But it was around this time my migraine had began to peak and I was feeling disoriented and nauseas. I slipped off to the bathroom before leaving the restaurant because I felt my bladder would burst, and the moment I went in to the stall I felt the overwhelming need to throw up but I heard someone in the stall next to me and decided to hold it back as best I could to not sound like a bulimic in the Cheesecake Factory Restroom. Then we started to head home and I swear my bladder is out of control because I had to pee again and the traffic was so bad we were stuck in the car for two hours!!! The combination of a crushing migraine and an exploding bladder had me unbuttoning my pants and begging for mercy all the way until we reached our front door. Thank god I made it! But is it any wonder why I passed out and fell asleep for 3 hours??

I’ve been having this nagging cramp in my lower abdomen, it almost feels like I did a billion sit-ups and it’s constant and doesn’t ever let up. This has caused me to avoid all abdominal workouts, which is hard to do because it even hurts when I ride my bike or even sit. And don't even get me started with BD.

I guess this post really sounds like I had a crappy day but really it wasn’t. How could it be? My hubby surprised me and took me out for a lovely little lunch. We swung by Toys R Us and picked up our latest deal that I’d like to share with you, and when I was thinking about my previous cycles and the bizarre in-between spotting and uncomfortable cramping and such. I’m thankful to say that as of yet my body is rather normal. No spotting! If all goes well and my body is back to normal then come April 3^rd my AF will be here to visit, or if not then maybe there’s some chance we may have conceived and all it took was a cycle of not trying so hard. Either way I’ll be happy because we are one step closer to either getting Preggo or going on vacation. LOL

As for my latest shopping deals……..I had such a great response to my shopping skills which led to believe that I must have a talent for bargain hunting. So today we picked up Toy Story and Toy Story 2 for a grand total of $5.07 on Blu-Ray. How you ask? Well we had these coupons for $10 off each Blu-Ray that we got from here. Plus these $5 off coupons that we got from here. On top of that the hubby and I have been addicted to our Wii again and we picked up this from Amazon.Wii 15-in-1 Family Pack - White

Thank you all for listening to my daily thoughts. What did you do today?

Rain Rain Go Away........

2010-03-22T21:05:00.002-04:00

Where did my sunny weather go??

We are stuck in a rainy rut. I hope it passes quickly because I’m dying to get outside. Hubby and I had a fantastic weekend of bargain hunting like we always do and stumbled on some great finds……

1. A cute wooden patio table set complete with chairs and an umbrella for a grand total of $50. I’m dying to set it up and put it to good use as soon as the sun greets us.

2. A small set of casual dinnerware that we picked up at Ikea for $15.

3. A beautiful new tablecloth for $5, found in the “As- Is” bin at Ikea originally $25, turns out it just needed to be washed.

4. A 19’’ LCD TV for the guestroom for $97, thank you Amazon.com my favorite place to shop

5. A 10x10 EZ-Up Sun shelter for $29 found on the clearance rack un-marked and no barcode. I negotiated the price with an associate at Meijer and ended up walking out with 3 of them for that price. We have been looking to buy one for our trip to Bonnaroo this June and they were all priced +$90 for one.

6. A cute pair of boots from the Cincinnati Outlet Mall for $10 originally $94.

7. A flag pole for the front yard and a flag to go with it for $8 found at Kohls.

8. A beautiful hanging planter for the front deck for $3

I LOVE FINDING DEALS!!

On top of all of this shop till you drop business, the hubby and I have been having lots of fun here at home. We busted out the the Wii games and challenged each other to an assortment of games; Bowling, Tennis, Baseball, and Golf. I forgot how fun it was to play on our little Wii, but my arm was quickly reminded how sore you can get from swinging that controller around. LOL

Tomorrow I’m prepared to do some spring cleaning and lots and lots of laundry is calling my name as well.

On the TTC journey, we are enjoying are relaxed approach to this cycle. We’re prepared for whatever the outcome is whether it be BFP or BFN.

If you are stopping by for ICLW, I thank you for your comments and you can find out more here and here.

Welcome ICLW

2010-03-21T19:57:00.002-04:00

Welcome to my blog everyone from ICLW, glad you could stop by. My name is Patricia and my husband and I have been trying to conceive after a miscarriage in December of last year. You can learn more about me by reading this.

I thought I’d list the 10 things that make me smile

1. Getting my good morning kiss from my hubby before he heads off to work. I usually have my sleep mask on and when he puts his lips to mine I’ll gently wake up and smile.

2. Singing at the top of my lungs to my favorite songs.

3. The feeling you get after working out. It’s so hard to even want to start but then once you do there’s this unbelievable feeling to push harder and keep going.

4. Going to the movies. I’ll watch practically anything on the big screen.

5. Being near the water. It soothes me. After moving away from Seattle last year to a land locked State I knew it would be difficult. So my hubby and I found a home near a small lake to help get through it.

6. Traveling…….I love to go places and always dreamed about the adventures I’d like to have. We have already had a few memorable travel moments but I know the future holds many more. Top of my list is South East Asia…..all of it!!

7. Cooking, I love to cook and I love to eat. I love trying out new recipes. On an average week I try at least 3 new recipes. I love finding new ingredients and getting cool kitchen gadgets.

8. Our dog Roxy, she is so sweet and cuddly. She is so in love with us and you can tell. It’s nice to have a furry companion to greet you when you come home.

9. Shopping….especially when it involves getting a bargain. My hubby and I are bargain hunters and are obsessed with this forum called Slick Deals. For instance our latest deal was today; we picked up Disney’s Princess and the Frog on Blu-Ray for $2.79. YES! A brand new Blu-Ray movie for two dollars and seventy-nine cents!

10. Organization! I’m very crazy about it. When I see a neatly organized drawer or a well kept closet it makes me smile. I love being able to bust out my label maker and go to town on something.

A New Reflection

2010-03-19T22:43:00.002-04:00

I can’t even begin to tell you how much BDing there has been this month! And the best part is that it wasn’t forced due to O symptoms or positive OPKs; nope it was just.......... for FUN! It’s really hard to believe how relaxed I’ve been this cycle. I don’t even have a clue when I would have O’d or if I even did. I ignored all symptoms and I didn’t even look for CM signs. I feel like a whole new me!

Another funny thing is that we started trying to plan a vacation in September or October. We have been thinking about taking a cruise to some where beachy and our options are very open as prices are so low right now. We found nearly 10 different cruise itineraries that we could choose from all leaving around the same time frame. The only catch……..well you can’t take a cruise unless your less than 24 weeks. In a way it has really given me something positive to look forward to if we don’t get pregnant in the next few months. If the months of April and May do not bring us a BFP we will be booking our trip. It puts a positive spin on a negative result. I think this makes it a little easier to except. And I’m truly feeling like I could deal with seeing reoccurring BFN’s for now. I’m more focused on getting back in shape, eating right, various home projects, working on a tan, and simply being normal again……….. I haven’t felt normal since the miscarriage.

It's like A NEW person is looking back at me in the mirror.....

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

2010-03-17T11:39:00.002-04:00

Time has really flown by since I started not trying to track my cycle. It has been extremely relaxing to not have to continuously worry about temping and POAS. I can’t describe how wonderful I feel. I have been keeping busy around the house and started all kinds of new projects that will keep me occupied for a while. I cleaned the garage and organized all of our tools and reconfigured the garage layout. I also purchased two fabulous cookbooks; actually they are textbooks on French Culinary Techniques. They are amazing and I plan to work through each page testing out the techniques and hopefully picking up a few good recipes along the way. I’m sure there will be a few disasters but that’s all part of the learning process. I was so excited when they arrived and I immediately flipped through the books (which was not easy because they are both over 500 pages) and came up with a shopping list of the tools and supplies I’ll need to get started. Luckily I’m already a decent cook so many of the tools I already had but now I can focus on sharpening up my skills.

I’m also working on finding art pieces for our living room. Most of our house is decorated with art, painted walls and such but I just never could decide how I wanted to do the living room. But now I have an idea and I’m on the hunt for the pieces of furniture and art to compliment the space.

I’m also thinking about breaking out the sewing machine again. I’m an amateur at best, and I would really love to learn more. I think I might stop by Barnes and Noble and pick up a few books to help get me started. Maybe I can finally learn how to sew using an actual pattern. I usually just randomly start stitching and some how I’ve managed but I really want to learn how to do some more detailed projects.

Another project I have been working on is putting together my gift for my Secret Pal. I finished it and sent it through the mail yesterday. I hope it makes it to her safely........I signed up for this project on Wistful Girls Blog. Check it out and maybe you’ll want to get a Secret Pal of your own.

And of course I have been really sticking to working out. I haven’t weighed myself so I have no idea if I’m actually losing any weight which is obviously the goal but I feel great and my energy level has shot up. I usually do 45 minutes of hard cardio aerobics in the morning and then in the evening while watching tv with my hubby we both hop on the good old exercise bikes. On average I ride them for 20 miles per day. But yesterday I watched two movies and biked the whole way through so I actually rode 49 miles. The only downside is my bum hurts so bad and feels like it’s bruised. I joked with hubby and said I need one of those doughnut cushions for my tushy!

The warm sunny weather has really kept me motivated. I love waking up to the bright sun shining through the windows. It makes me smile and comforts me to know that today is a beautiful day and worth getting up for. Since Last week we have been working on training our dog. She is so smart and I can’t believe how quickly she is learning. We have a meeting with the trainer today and I hope it goes as smooth as it went last week. Hopefully Roxy remembers the trainer and can just pick up right where we left off.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day….Don’t forget your GREEN!

Oh the Places You'll Go.......

2010-03-10T08:32:00.024-05:00

I was reflecting on the past decade and the exciting things that have happened. And as we continue to embark on this journey of life it was nice to remember some of the sites we've seen along our journey so far......

Oh the Places We've Called Home......

Reno, Nevada Las Vegas, Nevada Seattle, Washington Cincinnati, Ohio

Oh the Places We've Seen.....

Cabo San Lucas, Mexico Cannon Beach, Oregon Cozumel, Mexico

Galveston, Texas Grand Cayman, Cayman Islands Hamilton, Bermuda Honolulu, Hawaii La Paz, Mexico Loreto, Mexico Los Angeles, California Mazatlan, Mexico Montego Bay, Jamaica (Mt. Rushmore)Keystone, South Dakota Niagara Falls, New York Philadelphia, Pennsylvania Puerto Vallarta, Mexico San Francisco, California San Juan, Puerto Rico Sioux Falls, South Dakota St. Maarten, Netherlands Antilles St. Thomas, US Virgin Islands Yellowstone National Park, Wyoming AND MANY OTHER LITTLE CITIES ALONG THE WAY....

Memorable Moments......

Walking the miles and miles of sandy beach on a cool overcast day in Cannon Beach, Oregon. We brought our dog Roxy too; and she loved dodging waves and sniffing out strange sea creatures that washed up on shore. Our favorite movie The Goonies was filmed there and we reminisced on the location and relived the film in our heads.

Beach Bumming on Horseshoe Bay Beach in Bermuda was amazing! The pink sand is something I'll never forget I even scooped up a handful to take home. The beach was practically deserted and we played in the powerful waves as they brushed the shore.

Hiking in Mayfield Falls in Jamaica was one of the craziest things we've ever done. We hitched a ride up into the jungle with a thugged-out Jamaican we could barely understand and he drove us in this rickety van like a mad man up a windy dirt hill. The van swerved and slided as we took hairpin turns for nearly an hour. At one point we turned to each other and said, "You know we could die up here and nobody would even know". Along the rocky dirt road we saw the very real side of Jamaica; shanty shacks made out cardboard and fabric, raggedy clothing and often shoe-less villagers, no running water, chickens and mountain goats wandering freely through the streets, Police officers armed with machine guns, and drug dealers carrying bricks of Mary Jane that they would pound against the vehicle windows trying to get you to buy. When we reached the the top of the hill we were greeted by the lush scenery and as we hiked we noticed men patrolling an area off to the right armed with weapons and we realized it was a marijuana farm. We ignored it but we both gave each other the "look"; after all this isn't something you see everyday. The falls were beautiful and totally worth the adventure. While swimming in the cool water we saw many of the locals heading down to the stream to either bathe, drink, or wash their clothing. It was strange to think that this place we traveled so far to see was nothing more than a watering hole to the locals. All in all it was a place I'll never forget, but probably never go to again.

Snorkeling in St. Thomas was something I'll never forget. We found a local diver to take us around the area for the day. We rode along with him in his "Beach Ride" he called it; and he took us for a round trip around the island. The entire island is only 13 miles long and 4 miles wide, but with traffic and the zig zagging roads it can really seem much bigger. He took us to several snorkel spots and we all hopped out and took a swim. He even showed us a trick with dog biscuits, YES, you could hand feed the fish with these biscuits which was fun but we were startled a few times when giant yellow fins came chomping towards us with their jagged teeth. Our tour guide was awesome though and he had lots of fun stories to share. He had previously been a radio DJ out in L.A. and moved out to the islands for his love for diving and island life. He was a true beach boy living the dream......

2 weeks in Hawaii! Oahu to be exact. We rented a house on the North Shore and spent our days sight-seeing and living like true locals. Eating plate lunches, Ahi Poke, Spam masubi, moco locos, Matsumoto's Shaved Ice, Haupia Pie from Ted's, and buying fresh mangoes and papayas. We visited Waikiki, Waimea Falls, and Pearl Harbor. We snorkeled at Waimea Beach and Sharks Cove. But my favorite spot along the trip was spending the day in Haleiwa. We also had fun spotting location spots where the TV show LOST is filmed. I think I could totally live in Hawaii!

Swimming with Sting Rays in Grand Cayman! Yeah the boat ride out to the sand bar was a little rough....but it was worth it because out in the middle of the turquoise ocean water was a sand bar! A sand bar is an incredible piece of land submerged underwater but still shallow enough to stand and it was in the MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN! Amazing! and the sting rays were really cool too. We got to kiss them and feed them which was something I'll never forget.

ATVing on Megrino Beach in Cabo San Lucas! So fun! That's really all I can say. FUN FUN FUN!!

Disneyland! Yes we love Disneyland and can't wait to take our own children there. We have been too many times to count and it never gets old. Still waiting to go to Disney World but really it's Disneyland that started it all.......

Can't wait to see what's next........

Taking a New Approach

2010-03-05T21:31:00.002-05:00

The next two cycles we’ve decided to change the game plan. DH and I have went back and forth about whether or not to try these next two months. I’ve been stressed out and there’s a lot of pressure and I need time to compose myself; mentally and physically.

So together DH and I decided that we would take a new approach…………….We decided we won’t try as hard, but we certainly won’t prevent these next few months!

So goodbye OPKs!! Goodbye BBT!! Goodbye checking CM! Goodbye checking CP!

I can now spend these next two months a little more carefree, which I’m certainly looking forward to. And after these next two cycles if nothing happens then I'll go back to the good old OPKs and all that other business. But for now I don't want to think about it.

Down for the count!

2010-03-03T14:54:00.001-05:00

After having the miscarriage I thought I had come to terms with it. I was used to the things people say and many of them I took some comfort in. They said things like;

“It’s so much easier to get pregnant after miscarriage because you’re more fertile”
“At least you know that you can get pregnant”
“You can always try again”
“You’re still young”
“It was a bad egg”
“At least you lost it early”

And at first I was optimistic……I was ready to hop back in a try it again. I was happy and anxious and thrilled about what could be. I felt that nothing could stop us……

But now we’re going into the third month since the miscarriage and I grow more furious that the little bean I had was taken from me. I grow more enraged that it was all a lie; and it never really was going to be easy. I grow more depressed as each week passes. They feel like an eternity. Where have the past three months gone…..I’ve been lost in checking temperature charts and cervical mucus; so much that I’ve forgotten what it means to be a human. A human with the desire and need to get out of the house, to be excited for the weekend, to look forward to events like a new movie being released, to spend the day shopping at the mall, to pick up a good book to read, to go on the computer without navigating through baby websites for hours. What have I become?

Whatever it is it can’t continue. I can’t believe it’s March! The excitement of finding out we were pregnant in October and the disappointment of the miscarriage in December are months behind me now but I have yet to move on from the agony of trying to capture a glimmer of hope.

All hope is lost for this cycle!! Yesterday seemed so promising as I woke up with my temperature still climbing. I was anticipating the day to end so I could wake up today and test. But then late afternoon yesterday the spotting seemed to pick up so I spent the remainder of it running to the bathroom every hour to check the progress. This morning I woke up expecting the worst and it was a good decision to do so, because my temp dropped way below my cover-line and my morning pit stop proved that this is definitely AF.

Another cycle passes! I’m defeated once more. I feel like a boxer who’s put up a good fight. I landed a few punches on my opponent and when they landed some on me I came back swinging harder. I even came close to winning a few rounds, but it’s the 12th round with only a minute left and I just suffered a knock-out punch. I’m down for the count!

Sunshine Award

2010-03-01T10:57:00.007-05:00

For me? Oh really you shouldn’t have…..BUT I’M GALD YOU DID!!

My first Blog Award…..

Well I just have so many to thank; Let’s see...... thank you to Soup Mama for passing this award along to me, thank you to my readers I love all your support and love, and thank you to my body and mind for not only providing me with the material to write about but for giving me the strength to actually do so.

The rules for this award are as follows:
•Put the logo on your blog or within your post.
•Pass the award onto 12 bloggers.
•Link the nominees within your post.
•Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
•Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

Here are the bloggers I pass this award onto:
Life, Love, and Persuit of Our Fairytale
I Will Be A Mom
My Basic World
Inconceivable!
Rachel's Randomness
The (In)fertility Diaries
The Brestar Family~ Confessions of neurotic parents
The Journey Through Life
The Road to Happily Ever After
Thoughts from a Blonde
Wistful Girl
Journey into the Pastry World

Congratulations! I've selected you because I love reading your posts and you have given me inspiration and hope. So here’s a little sunshine in return.

Patricia-ology

2010-02-27T21:31:00.002-05:00

I saw this on Leslie’s Journey through Life blog and thought it would be fun to pass on!

Rules: YOU! Yes, you, reading this. You're tagged. Now that you know more about me than you ever wanted to know, play the game, it's fun! Let others know a little more about yourself, repost this as your name followedy by "ology."

FOODOLOGY:

What is your salad dressing of choice? Vinaigrette

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant? We really miss Pen Thai in Bellevue, WA

What is your favorite fast food restaurant? Port of Subs, I wish we had one in Ohio

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of? Sub Sandwiches from Port of Subs

What are your pizza toppings of choice? Mushrooms and Provolone

How many televisions are in your house? Two

What color cell phone do you have? Black

BIOLOGY:

Are you right-handed or left-handed? Right

Have you ever had anything removed from your body? Wisdom teeth, Mole on my lower back

Have you ever been knocked unconscious? Nope

Have you ever fainted? Nope

BULLCRAPOLOGY:

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die? I do not want to know my expiration date!

If you could change your name, what would you change it to? I like my name

How many pairs of flip flops do you own? Too many to count, I love ‘em

Last person you talked to? My DH

FAVORITOLOGY:

Season? Autumn

Holiday? Christmas.

Day of the week? Saturday

Month? October

Color? Turquoise

Drink? Chai tea

Alcoholic? margaritas
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CURRENTOLOGY:

Missing someone? My family back in Reno, NV

What are you listening to? Interpol

What are you watching? nothing

Worrying about? Testing……will it be BFN or BFP?

What's the last movie you saw? The Crazies

Do you smile often? Yes, and it’s contagious

If you could change your eye color what would it be? I’m a brown eyed girl and love it!

What's on your wish list for your birthday? A BFP and a happy and healthy 9 months

Can you do a chin-up? No and never could

Does the future make you more nervous or excited? BOTH

Have you been in a car wreck? A ROLLOVER!!

Have you caused a car wreck? No

Do you have an accent? No

Last time you cried? Two days ago

Plans tonight? Pizza and a movie with DH

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom? No

Name three things you bought yesterday? Pregnancy tests, yogurt, movie tickets

Have you met someone who changed your life? my DH.

For the better or worse? Better of course

How did you bring in the New Year? with DH at home.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Yes.

What songs do you sing in the shower? Too many!

Have you held hands with someone today? My DH

Who was the last person you took a picture of? well not a person, but my dog!

Are most of the friends in your life new or old? Old and they live very far away. We haven’t made any friends in Ohio yet.

Do you like pulpy orange juice? I love the pulp

Last time you ate peanut butter and jelly? I eat like 2 a week.

What were you doing at 12 a.m. last night? Finishing up a movie

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up? Did my temp go up??

I NEED STRENGTH

2010-02-25T10:58:00.001-05:00

Please give me strength…..

The urge to test is killing me, but I know it would be a huge let down if I did that because it’s probably too early!! I’m really bad at temping but for the past week I have been very diligently trying to keep my temps as accurately as possible, because earlier this month I was temping with hours of difference each day (I know that’s REALLY bad). But know I have been actively taking my temp at the same time each morning for a week. I know it’s hard to believe but I just really want to see it rise. So just so everyone knows I have found that a normal temp for me is 96.7 which I found out back in the month of October of last year. At first I was freaked out thinking I had some abnormality because my temp seemed so low, but I was reassured by my doctor that I was perfectly healthy and my temp was fine. So now that that’s settled let me begin to describe my wacky temps this cycle and hope and pray these are good signs.

CD7 I had a huge temp drop which I relate to the ending of AF

CD12-CD14 I think I may have O’d one of these days because despite the lack of +OPK I had all the other symptoms of O

CD15- CD18 my temp was much higher these days which leads me to believe I can confirm O (hopefully)

CD19-CD20 I had a big dip that I associate with Implantation

CD21-CD23 my temp went back up and was still higher than my normal temp

CD24-CD26 I had light pink discoloration to my CM which I believe to be IB

CD27 which is today; my temp jumped up another .3 degrees!

Hopefully this means good things and if you can’t tell already I’m really getting my hopes up, which is a dangerous thing to do. I’m constantly running to the bathroom to see if AF is going to show up. PLEASE DON’T SHOW UP AF!!!

I’m still having lots of dull cramping down there and every once in a while I will feel a pulling sensation. My bb’s are so sore I can barely walk without wearing a bra. The pink spotting is now gone I think but maybe it will still show later this afternoon. Either way I usually don’t spot mid cycle and if it was AF I feel that from past experiences she would be full force by now if it was.

Silly me, I was watching A Baby Story this morning on TLC and I was sobbing and I have no idea why. I was just so happy for that family and it was so beautiful because they adopted this sweet little boy from Korea. I felt an overwhelming sense of emotion watching the happiness in that woman’s eyes as she met her little boy for the first time. I was crying so hard that I started to gasp for air. You know that feeling? When the tears are falling down so hard and so fast that you can’t even catch your breath? Yea, I was doing that. And then a moment later I just stopped and laughed at myself thinking why in the world are you crying?

So right now all my blogging friends I ask you to give me strength…

The strength to fight the urge to test until next week….

The strength to gain control of my emotions…..

The strength to not let my hopes build my expectations……

and most importantly the strength to not beat myself up if it doesn’t happen this cycle…..

I need Strength!!

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

2010-02-24T14:54:00.003-05:00

Now I’m in the 1ww…..

So the faint spotting still continues and I’m having dull cramping and pulling still. These are all very similar to the last time I was pregnant so I can’t help but get my hopes up. I really try hard not to go insane during these wait times….but today this is proving hard to accomplish. I don’t know why I allow myself to get like this. Last night I dreamed of getting a BFP as I do many nights but this one really felt so real. I’ve already been scrolling through web pages searching for answers and looking for clues. Is this a symptom? Is that? I’m an internet junkie and right now it is KILLING ME!! A part of me wishes I didn’t have a desire to plan things and I just randomly got knocked up. Then I could have that classic movie like experience where the women doesn’t know she’s pregnant and all of sudden she gets morning sickness and boom takes a test and it’s positive. But NO!!! Instead I have to sit here and dream and ponder and analyze and question!!!! I’m going crazy!

I’m waiting for DH to get home so we can go to the store together, I need a break from the house and plus I want to pick up some Clear Blue Digital Pregnancy Tests. I used them last time and they make it so much easier. I hate trying to interpret lines!!!

Outside of TTC things are pretty dull. The weather started to get cold and snowy again, just as the previous snow started to melt. I did get to watch LOST last night so that was a nice break from reality and gives my week a little excitement. Also DH and I are thinking about going to Church this Sunday……..If you know anything about me then you are shocked! Yes it’s true, I decided to go to church because I need to have more purpose to my life. Currently I’m not working and there’s nothing really for me to do that feels significant so I thought I’d start to do some volunteering. After all I have an amazing opportunity seeing as how for the first time it’s not needed that I contribute to the income and although I’ve offered to work just for the sake of some extra money the fact is that I enjoy my time I just wish it had more meaning. So that’s where church comes in; the best way to get out there and volunteer is through a church plus I can meet new people which since we moved to Ohio I haven’t done at all! I’m actually pretty excited about it because it will give me something to clear my mind and I need that.

I can be an Optimist

2010-02-23T13:46:00.001-05:00

I happily confess that I have once again actively started working out. For those of you who are just getting to know me. I go in and out of my working out phases. But back in June of last year I started running 2 miles every day! This continued all the way into December; but it ended there because I had a m/c with our first PG. So I convinced myself that extreme workouts were probably not the best when TTC. So now 2 months have passed since the m/c and let’s just say I’m feeling a little sluggish. So I started to work out again and the past four days I have been amazed by how quickly I got out of shape. But not to fear I’m back in the game! This morning I really was not feeling up to it. I forced myself to work out for about 40 minutes this morning. There’s something significant to the feeling you get when sweat is pouring down your face, and puddles are forming in the small your back, your muscles are throbbing, the taste of guzzling down that first glass of water, and then finally that delightful shower that rejuvenates your body and mind. Aaahhhh……I feel great. Today is a good day!

For TTC matters; well for the past few days I’ve been having some twinges in my lower abdomen , my breasts have been sore, and I started to have a pinkish discharge when I wipe. Sorry if that’s TMI. I don’t want to get my hopes up but it could be IB. maybe?

My first ICLW

2010-02-22T21:20:00.000-05:00

I’m new to blogging and thought this would be a fun way to kick it off. I’m participating in ICLW. So in honor of ICLW I thought I’d do the ABC’s of me….

THE ABC’S OF ME

A – ADVOCATE FOR: the removal of heavy TV censorship…it’s ridiculous!

B – BEST FEATURE: my hair and naturally tan

C – COULD DO WITHOUT: pregnancy loss

D – DREAMS & DESIRES: to have a beautiful child with my DH

E – ESSENTIAL ITEMS: internet, running water, and makeup.

F – FAVORITE PAST TIME: traveling, a few highlights include; Hawaii, Jamaica, Bermuda, Mexico, South Korea, and St. Maarten.

G – GOOD AT: cooking and baking!

H – HAVE NEVER TRIED: surfing….I’d like to.

I – IF I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS: Travel the world learning to cook different cuisines and experience different cultures.

J – JUNKIE FOR: watching movies and I cannot turn down a brownie!

K – KINDRED SPIRIT: don’t have one yet….

L – LITTLE KNOWN FACT: I’ve never had a broken bone…..ever!

M – MEMORABLE MOMENT: Getting married on October 21, 2007

N – NEVER AGAIN WILL I: drink to point that I need guidance to the bathroom and I’m repeatedly telling my DH that I think I’m dying as vomit is spraying from my mouth. That was a bad night!

O – OCCASIONAL INDULGENCE: getting my nails done, I usually don’t do those things but sometimes the mood strikes me.

P – PROFESSION: currently a stay at home wife

Q – QUOTE: “I always wondered why they were called roofies, 'cause you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. They should call 'em floories, or maybe rapies” (The Hangover)

R – REASON TO SMILE: I have a wonderful husband who loves me and would go to the ends of the world to give me anything I want or need.

S – SORRY ABOUT: sometimes not returning your calls, sometimes zoning you out, and sometimes sleeping way too much!

T -THINGS THAT ARE WORRYING YOU RIGHT NOW: Wondering if we can successfully conceive and have a happy and healthy pregnancy….

U – UNINTERESTED IN: people who are un-willing to try new things.

V – VERY SCARED OF: not being able to have children.

W – WORST HABITS: not being able to focus, not being able to stick to a diet, and not being able to exercise regularly.

X – X MARKS MY IDEAL VACATION SPOT: Traveling though Southeast Asia!!

Y – YUMMIEST DESSERT: my homemade brownies!!

Z – ZODIAC SIGN: Cancer

Another week passes.....

2010-02-22T11:04:00.000-05:00

This weekend was rather uneventful. But we did go to the movies on Friday and saw Shutter Island. It had a definite feeling of a Hitchcock type movie, so I definitely recommend it as a good one to see. Poor DH had to work on Sunday….tax season is always crazy for him at work. So while he was at the office I spent the day cleaning. I vacuumed everything; the stairs, closets, rugs, etc… which is quite a chore seeing as our home is a Tri-level. Carrying the vacuum up and down each staircase can be hard work. I cleaned the kitchen, organized cabinets, scrubbed the bathrooms, and washed and folded laundry. I was actually kind of enjoying it. I know that sounds weird but I do like to clean! The problem is I like to clean so much that sometimes it distracts me from what I really should be doing.

Oh, I also tried out a new recipe for dinner last night. I made Pad Kee Mao (Thai Drunken Noodles) and it was fantastic. For the past few months I’ve tried to spice things up in the kitchen and we have been trying to add some fun new recipes to our weekly repertoire. The Pad Kee Mao was really simple and it will now be a part of our little cookbook. If you are interested in making this dish I can pass along the recipe to you. As for this week; I have planned quite a food adventure. We are having Honey and Black Pepper Beef with rice tonight, Vegetable Thai Green Curry on Tuesday, Beef Bourguignon on Wednesday, Keema Curry with Naan on Thursday, and Friday is still up in the air but I’m sure I will figure it out.

On the TTC journey….. I’m totally annoyed! It’s CD25 for me and I never did get a confirmed +OPK! I thought I had a possible positive a few days ago but my temp was never really able to confirm it. I ran out of tests and I have no desire to pick up any more. It’s strange because at CD15 I had all the signs of O…EWCM, sore BBs and slight cramping, I totally thought I would get a +OPK but it never happened. So I kept testing and testing and testing…NOTHING! DH and I have been BDing every other day since AF left so we could be sure not to miss O. Now the only thing I can do is hope that I O’d and that the OPK missed my surge. The other confusion I have is that because this is my first cycle since the m/c, I’m not sure when to expect AF. Before the m/c my cycles were 33 days so if all goes back to normal I guess I should expect either a BFP or an AF around March 3rd. I’m not getting my hopes up and if it doesn’t happen this cycle I’m ready to move to the next.

I feel GUILTY

2010-02-18T22:46:00.001-05:00

Nothing chases the romance out of the bedroom like TTC. My DH and I are no strangers to the flat out inconvenient pressure that TTC puts in the bedroom. Everything is so technical and mapped out; When, Where, How, etc… Nothing is more annoying than having to feel so obligated to commit to BD just because you’re worried to miss your window of opportunity. I won’t lie it’s taken the joy out of intimacy, now it’s just flat out work. Last night I was far from being in the mood in fact I think we both were. But I had a slightly positive OPK (I think)………so we both put on a brave face and did the deed. This is how the past week has been for us and I feel guilty……..Guilty because I feel like it is a chore when it shouldn’t be. Guilty because my miscarriage has only made me want a baby more. Guilty because I spent many years avoiding pregnancy only to now desperately want it. Guilty because I cannot relax or take my mind off of it. Guilty because I was naïve to believe that every pregnancy has a happy ending. Guilty because I’m jealous of other women when I shouldn’t be. Guilty because I like to watch Baby Story and Bringing Home Baby just so I can cry. Guilty because I spend hours searching the internet about TTC. Guilty because I read the books too. Guilty because I’m angry when I see unfit parents with babies (like 16 and Pregnant on MTV). Guilty because I feel so useless…....

I feel Guilty

BBT Confusion!!

2010-02-17T11:12:00.000-05:00

Trying To Conceive graphics

So I have been charting my BBT and I’m getting really frustrated and confused. I don’t really know what I should be seeing, but I think my temps are wacky. I started charting on January 25th, which was a few days before AF. My temp bounced up and down during AF. Then on the day AF ended it dropped from 97.1 to 96.1 which is insane! Then it only continued to bounce up and down. If you look at my chart below you can see for yourself. Even today’s temp has a significant drop! I’m confused because I started testing with OPKs on CD8 and have yet to see a BFP. So now it’s CD20 and I have been having all the signs that O is approaching for the past few days; EWCM, sore breasts, cramping, some slight bloating, but I cannot seem to get a BFP on my OPK!!! I’m going CRAZY!!! If my temp doesn’t increase and I’m not getting a positive OPK then why the heck do I see these other symptoms?!?!?!?!?

Winter Wonderland

2010-02-15T20:50:00.001-05:00

We had a wonderful Valentine’s Day. Zack and I stayed home and prepared a delightful dinner for two. Currently we are snowed in! I can’t believe the snow has not let up once. Poor Zack had to get out a shovel twice today and we will still be buried in snow tomorrow.

As far as TTC goes…..we have been hard at work. My OPK still reads negative and I’ve been testing twice a day. But we’ve been getting lots of practice nonetheless. I’m almost positive I’ll O sometime this week, all the signs are there. I never realized how much waiting is involved in TTC. It can make time feel so slow and I’m a very impatient person. But on the upside I have been keeping myself very busy. So that helps pass the time.

We have been intensely watching the Olympics and it has been rather entertaining. We are of course now wishing we still lived in Seattle because we had intended on making a trip up to Vancouver to see the event and would never have thought we would be living in Ohio now. But life has a funny way of making things happen. So now here we are in our own winter wonderland some 3,000 miles away from everything we are familiar with.

To anyone reading this I hope you had a wonderful Valentine’s Day!

My Most Watched Movies of the Decade

2010-02-15T20:11:00.002-05:00

My list of most frequently viewed films of the 00’s decade. This is NOT a list of my favorite films of the decade but a list of the films that I enjoyed and watched over and over again through this past decade.

10. The Hangover

We went and saw this film opening weekend, it was of course silly but hilarious and continues to make me laugh. I am of course a Todd Phillips fan and enjoyed watching Old School and Road Trip; this film was very reminiscent of what I love about those silly comedies.

9. SuperBad

When I first saw this film I wasn’t sure what to think. It was pretty funny and slightly vulgar but there was something redeeming about this coming of age story. It reminds me of a newer age American Pie and I can appreciate that. Michael Cera plays the perfect awkward teenager and I’ve been a fan of his since Arrested Development. This movie makes me laugh more and more every time I watch it.

8. Slumdog Millionaire

Way before this film was ever hyped for Oscar bait I saw it and fell in love. In fact we had followed this movie way before it was released and were anticipating its arrival. The story is as much of a love story as it is a rags to riches tale. I love the music, the vibrant colors, and the unique look into another culture. They top it off by ending the film with a fun Bollywood style dance. I love it!

7. Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

I love Tim Burton, I love Johnny Depp, and most of all I love musicals. I saw this film 3 times in theaters and too many times to count at home. I know all the words and all the songs. I’ve been known to break out randomly singing the tunes. Yes, it is a dark and strangely disturbing tale about revenge and murder but I can’t help but fall in love with the eerie darkness, and the quirky absurdities and character to this film.

6. 40 year old virgin

This movie cracked me up from the beginning. I love Steve Carell and the guy plays the part of a sexually inexperienced male quite well. It’s raunchy but somehow still romantic. You are certainly rooting for the virgin by the end. Carell is hilarious and he even performed the chest waxing scene in the flesh which makes it that much funnier.

5. 500 days of summer

Let me start off by saying that I’m a huge fan of Joseph Gordon-Levitt and this film is absolutely on my list of favorites. Sadly this film really didn’t get much love as far as Oscars go, so if you haven’t seen this please do! It has revolutionized the love story with a look into the ups and downs of a relationship and that breaking up is hard to do. The movie is emotional and your right beside Tom as he falls in love and quickly has his heart broken. AMAZING!

4. Hot Fuzz

Absolutely Brilliant! I love Simon Pegg and Nick Frost; they truly work well together. This film had me laughing and enthralled with the excitement of shoot-outs, car chases, witty twists, and quirky English humor.

3. Shaun of the Dead

I’ve seen this film so many times I could practically recite it. My husband and I even use quotes from the movie on what seems like a daily basis. A hilarious look at the tale of the zombie apocalypse, it’s suspenseful, comedic, bloody, and even has a love story; there’s something for everyone.

2. Role Models

I laugh at something new every time I see this movie. Bobb'e J. Thompson and Christopher Mintz-Plasse are a hilarious combination with Paul Rudd and Seann William Scott. Yes, the story is rather predictable but it is funny nevertheless.

1.Forgetting Sarah Marshall

The first time I saw this I wasn’t really sure if I liked it; after all who isn’t freaked out by the odd male nudity, but it grew on me and now I watch it practically every time it’s on. The fact that I have a love for Hawaii may have some influence on why I love this film, but it’s more than that. It’s another story about moving on after a break up and the film features some pretty funny characters along for the ride. This is a movie I’ll probably continue to laugh at each time I see it.

Silly wishes and Garbage TV

2010-02-11T12:50:00.001-05:00

I love when you wish for something and it comes true…

Okay so it may be a silly wish but last week I hoped and prayed that Hobby Lobby this fantastic craft store around the corner from our home would have a 50% off sale on their scrapbooking section. And to my pleasure they DID! So I headed on over and shopped to my little heart’s content and managed to rack up a bill of over 100 dollars. But before you gasp with a displeased sigh let me inform you that this amount of money bought me 12 albums, 3 packs of paper, 8 packs of page refills, and 10 packs of assorted stickers…..Yes I am a thrifty shopper and not even a snowy blizzard could keep me from getting to that sale!!! LOL!

So you may be wondering why the heck I would need that much scrapbook stuff? Well Zack and I have an extensive collection of autographed photos. Our collection includes over 600 autographed photos which include; Johnny Depp, Robert DeNiro, Michael Jordan, Mark McGwire, Willie Mays, Denzel Washington, Hilary Swank, Cameron Diaz, Elizabeth Taylor, Charlize Theron, Halle Berry, Faye Dunaway, Clint Eastwood, Tom Cruise, Kevin Spacey, Mel Gibson, Geroge Clooney, and we even have Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. I could go on but I won’t because you get the point! All of these autographs have shamefully been stored in a file box and hidden in a closet. I wanted to create albums of the photos so that they can be better appreciated. So that is currently what I’m working on.

On another note…..

I disgracefully must admit that I have been watching “Toddlers and Tiaras”…..I know…..I know…. I really didn’t want to admit that! Don’t worry I have no desire to become a pageant mom but what I do want to say about the show is…..WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE! It’s truly disturbing that these mothers must parade their daughters in princess outfits, makeup, false teeth, fake tans, fake hair, manicured hands and toes, SWIMSUITS, and top it off with stripper dance moves across a stage in front of creepy judges who have done nothing to qualify them as beauty experts on 4 year olds!!!!!! I’m in total disgust especially when a male judge admits to the camera that he was working in an office supply store and a woman came in and said, “You look like a nice professional person would you like to come be a judge for us at a children's beauty pageant?” I can’t decide what’s creepier the fact that they asked a random guy to be a judge or the fact that he accepted!!! Then there’s the mom who adopted a little girl from China and forces her to participate in these ridiculous pageants just so that this mom can parade around beside her. This mother has a stripper pole in her home and performs in front of her own mother as well as her daughter. She actually threatened to take away her daughters favorite toys if she performed poorly!!! This is sick!

Sorry I had to vent…..I don’t know why I watch……it’s so bad you just can’t look away!!!

Hoping to Occupy My Time

2010-02-09T23:30:00.001-05:00

I was avoiding coming on here because I wasn’t sure if I had anything to say……I’m still not sure if I do.

Today is CD13 for me and the search for my O has begun. I assume it will arrive this weekend but really have no idea if it will or won’t. But I will say that the time has happily flown by which I’m very grateful for because I know my patience will wear thin when I reach the 2WW.

Life outside of TTC is rather entertaining or at least it’s keeping me busy. Today was once again “LOST Tuesday” so that is always something to look forward to. My DH and I were also wrapped up in checking out the Bonnaroo lineup for the festival this June. We are very excited as this will be our first year attending. Hopefully I will be pregnant and we can really enjoy what may be our “last” concert festival for a long time. And lastly; I have been constantly working on finishing up some old scrapbooks and I’m getting close to reaching my goal. All in all I have done a good job of keeping myself occupied.

We are currently snowed in and outside is quite a scene. The snow is falling in a blizzard like swirl and EVERYTHING is white! I really do love snow, and I love it even more when I don’t have to drive in it. They predict that the snow will continue through Valentine’s Day, so I guess we’ll be staying snug here at home.

Rantings of a crazed "LOST" fan and other daily thoughts

2010-02-02T12:12:00.002-05:00

I started thinking it was a big step for me to sit down and really write how I feel. I have spent the past few months searching the web looking for support. I found it! I found it at the many communities I joined like the Baby Center Community and the Parents Community Support. I have read some amazing stories about women who have triumphed through life’s tragedies. Some of them broke my heart and many were hard to read. I found support from reading these blogs of women who have suffered loss. Many who have had extremes far worse than I; from stillborns and preemies to horribly difficult pregnancies. It made me realize that no loss big or small is insignificant. All of these stories have helped me see a positive aspect to a tragic situation that no woman should have to go through.

I’m not sure how writing in my blog about the day to day dealings with TTC will pan out in the end. But for now it’s a way to vent and whether or not any one reads or pays attention to my words doesn’t really matter. The fact is that this is my journal and it may not be exciting to read as I rant about my frustrations, but if my day to day writings gives one ounce of support to someone out there who is doing exactly what I was a month ago (searching the web for support) then I can feel a sense of purpose.

On another note; I can’t always discuss my daily battles with TTC. Let's face the facts it's not exactly entertaining, and not to mention there are days when my thoughts may be far from it or at least trying to forget it. This is one of those times…...

Tonight is the Season premiere of “LOST” and I’m not ashamed to admit I’m a total geek for that show. I’m such a fan that going to sleep last night I was like a kid on Christmas Eve. I was tossing and turning and constantly looking at the clock wondering if it was time to wake up yet. Both DH and I have been acting like today is the Super Bowl of TV shows. I’ve even planned dinner around a central theme of the “LOST Island”. Yes, I am that much of a dork. DH has been chatting me up via email all day sending me web links to get me pumped up even more, but that truly wasn’t even necessary. So while everyone else in the world may be settling in for a normal Tuesday evening. I promise you that our house will be nothing of the sort. We will be tuning in and watching episodes just to wet our appetite before the 3 hour event begins. We will be eating mangoes, drinking coconut water, and possibly dipping our veggies in some DHARMA Ranch Composite(yes I went there) …and I dare you to try to stop us. LOL!

Introduction to Me

2010-02-01T17:48:00.002-05:00

Let’s begin from the start. My DH and I have been married for a little over 2 years. We first met in the 7th grade and started dating at age 17. We have been inseparable since. We always knew we wanted to be parents; we just weren’t sure when we would be ready. All of a sudden a switch was flipped and we knew we wanted to start a family right away. We just moved to Cincinnati, OH in July 2009 after living in the West our entire lives. It’s a fresh start here and the beginning of a new adventure for us. So we settled in to our new habitat and the baby making began.

We were so optimistic when we first took on this endeavor. It was October, 21 2009 our second anniversary and day one of operation baby. I had spent the previous few months getting things figured out. Between exercising, diet changes, BBT, prenatal vitamins, dental work, and a doctors checkup…..BOOM my body was a healthy baby making machine and was ready to go. So we jumped right in and spent a week in Upstate New York for a little romance and some BD. Though we weren’t sure when I would O we assumed it was around October 29th according to FF.

So we continued to BD through Halloween. The 2ww began and it was brutal! I remember waiting desperately for it to end so I could POAS on an HPT and see if we had accomplished the mission. The day finally came I remember not even being able to sleep during the night. I had visions of double pink lines dancing in my head. I woke up and DH got the video camera and……BFN! So now what do I do? We decided to wait another week and see if AF would make an appearance. She never did. So POAS week 2, once again DH grabbed the video camera and……..BFN! Wow really? So we decided to just wait for AF to show up. We waited and waited and waited….LITERALLY!

Thanksgiving morning came and we had planned on running a 10k. We figured it would keep our minds busy seeing as how AF was now over 2 weeks late. Even though I had no signs of AF and no obvious signs that I was PG I decided to take another HPT before we left for the race. Once again DH got the video camera ready and……..BFN! We left for the race. During the race I was having some pretty bad cramping and feeling rather sick and the urge to pee kept building. I had to take a pee break mid race and probably could have had a couple more of them if I wasn’t so good at holding it in. We finished the race, came home and the two of us passed out for the remainder of the holiday weekend.

Life began to return to normal though I was still awaiting the arrival of my dear AF. She never did show and it was getting ridiculous. On December 6th I woke up and felt the need to POAS. This time DH did not get the video camera per my request; it was getting annoying to have documentation of the BFN let downs. So I did the test and………1 bright pink line and 1 very faint pink line. It was so faint I asked DH if I imagined it. But he saw it too. So we raced to the store and bought one of those digital HPTs that simply say “Pregnant” or “Not Pregnant”. I waited till the next morning though it nearly killed me but I really wanted to use FMU. I woke up feeling oober excited! I studied the directions to the test prior to going to sleep so I was over prepared. I POAS and waited; the timer came up on the test and I watched that clock spin for the full 3 minutes and then the result appeared……BFP! I nearly fainted! I ran to the bedroom and DH was asleep and I woke him up and said, “I think we did it”. He jumped out of bed took one look at the test and we both were brought to tears.

I called the doctor immediately and set up an appointment for the following day. When we went in we didn’t know what to expect we were still in shock at the possibility that I really was PG. The doctor saw us and checked my uterus. He said it was the size of an “orange” which he exclaimed meant I was a little more than 7 weeks. WOW! He then told us what to expect and set up our next appointment for the first u/s . We went home and began to conjure up a plan on how to tell the family. We quickly delivered the message and both our families were thrilled to hear the news.

The baby bug had hit us big and it was all we could think about. It was so fun and exciting; really too good to be true………

On December 12, 2009 we headed out for a little “us” time. We went to the mall and had some lunch at The Old Spaghetti Factory. I went to the bathroom 3 times during our meal, which I had come accustomed to doing in the past week. However when I went to the bathroom I saw some light spotting. I was shocked but I had read in many books that spotting came be perfectly normal. We finished off our wonderful day and went home. The next day the bleeding became more intense. I was in denial that anything could be wrong and was trying to be optimistic. But then came a 4 hour period where I was passing some really large clots. So large I could feel then move through me…which was weird but thankfully not painful. I called the Dr. office but they were closed seeing as how it was Sunday. We debated going to the ER but the fact was that I was bleeding but I wasn’t in pain. So we decided to wait until morning.

I called the Dr. ASAP the next day and they asked me to come in right away for a vaginal u/s. When we arrived at the hospital I remember being super nervous. We had to sit in the lobby which was filled with babies and PG ladies. They called us back and the process began. The u/s tech wiggled that probe all around I watched the screen looking for something but it was all too new for me to understand. She snapped some photos and excused herself from the room. I remember DH and I both looked at each other and said, “Did you see anything?” The doctor appeared seconds later and started babbling, “sometimes there are several factors that contribute to the end result and blah blah blah……..the good news is that you’re healthy and you have the ability to ovulate and many women go on to have a successful pregnancy after miscarriage….you guys can try again in 2 weeks.” I sat there stunned and trying to process the words and medical jargon she was feeding me. It was like she was reading a script and I was playing the part of distraught patient. I kept replaying her words as I sat there and then an uncontrollable urge to cry burst out and the tears would not stop welling in my eyes. The u/s tech said, “we’ll give you a moment to gather yourself and then we need you to come give us a blood sample” and then she popped out of the room. DH and I hugged and I tried to gather myself. We exited the room and I went to get a needle jabbed in my arm. As I sat there I didn’t say one word to the nurse nor did she to me. She removed the needle I grabbed my purse and DH and I quickly passed through the busy lobby of PG women with our heads down, then stood in a crowded elevator for 7 floors until we reached the parking garage, then we walked to the car, I quickly climbed in and let out the biggest burst of tears that I have ever given. Words could not even form in my mouth as I sat there sobbing during a 40 minute drive back home. When we arrived home, DH and I spent a full day in bed without food or water or anything. I just wanted to sleep and possibly wake up from this nightmare I must be having. I wanted to escape from my body and I questioned why it failed me.

It took a few days before I could even look at a PG woman or a baby without tears forming. But I am fortunate that I have a supportive husband who will go to the ends of the earth to comfort me and together the sadness soon faded and we began to discuss the desire to try again.

Today February 1, 2010 is the first day on our new TTC journey. I’m currently experiencing my first AF since the m/c. This puts me on schedule to O around Valentine’s Day. We hope cupid is looking out for us and will give us a little love baby. We are super prepared and I’m armed with OPKs and ready to POAS at the first sign that AF has finished her visit. Here’s to a fresh start and lots of *Sticky Baby Dust* because right now it’s Big Belly or Bust!